When it comes to relationships, most of us are pretty hands-off. The prevailing mindset seems to be that relationships should work out all by themselves. In any case, because there is no manual, most of us accept that we will just blunder through them and hope for the best.
I mean, who do you know actually bothers to analyse their relationship and think critically about what they can do to improve it?
Yet, most relationships suffer precisely because we are apathetic towards them. We assume they are obscure and unknowable and so don't put any effort to understand them or improve them.
For the most part, the approach we have towards our relationships is pretty superficial. We tend to think mostly in terms of what our partner can and should do for us, how much time we spend together instead of the quality of the time, and how much our partner "loves" us without really understand what that "love" means to entails.
Many of us also have a very resigned kind of attitude towards our relationship, believing for example that, "well, it's supposed to feel dull after a while", or "We are not young anymore, we can't do those things again!".
But lie any endeavor, a relationship benefits immensely from critical evaluation - "what are we doing right?", "what are we doing wrong?", "what can we do to make things better?".
After all, we are talking about the person we claim to love, and in some cases, the person we swore to take care of for the rest of our lives. We often forget that, and only think about how our desires can be met. So consider your partner's physical and emotional needs. Do you even know what they are? Are you fulfilling those needs?
Think back to the times when your relationship was at its most fulfilling. What were you doing then that you are no longer doing? We can often get so comfortable in a relationship that we don't feel the need to do anything exciting or surprising anymore. But those little thrills are what keep the fire of romance alive.
And if you were to assess yourself as partner, how would you score? Would you be happy being in a relationship with yourself? What changes you make to become a better partner? We often blame the "natural course" of things or the other person when really we aren't doing much ourselves to make the relationship work better. So take a critical look at your role in the relationship. Isn't there more you can do?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Bonding With Your Partner
In any given moment in our relationship with our partner, we are in one of two possible intents - the intent to have control over getting love and avoiding pain, and the intent to learn about being loving to ourselves and to others.
Virtually all of us have learned many ways of trying to have control over getting love and voiding pain. We learned these defensive behaviours when we were children, and as adults we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviours. For example, we may use anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. For most people, these protective, controlling behaviours have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear triggered, we automatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, or controlling, then they cannot emotionally connect with each other. No matter how much time they spend together with the typical romantic trappings, like candles, wine or expensive lingerie, the connection will not be there. Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, what we create is a lack of love and much pain.
However, if both partners are open to learning, they will be emotionally available to each other, and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word. The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving. Because we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behaviour in the face of fear, being open to learning needs to be a conscious choice. Developing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even in the face of fear.
In your interactions with your partner, do you always seek to be right? do you strive to protect your own feelings rather than risk opening your heart? Do you have the courage to swallow your pride in order to avoid an argument? Do you listen and seek to understand instead of talking all the time?
When relationship partners are both able to reliably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish.
Virtually all of us have learned many ways of trying to have control over getting love and voiding pain. We learned these defensive behaviours when we were children, and as adults we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviours. For example, we may use anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. For most people, these protective, controlling behaviours have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear triggered, we automatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, or controlling, then they cannot emotionally connect with each other. No matter how much time they spend together with the typical romantic trappings, like candles, wine or expensive lingerie, the connection will not be there. Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, what we create is a lack of love and much pain.
However, if both partners are open to learning, they will be emotionally available to each other, and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word. The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving. Because we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behaviour in the face of fear, being open to learning needs to be a conscious choice. Developing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even in the face of fear.
In your interactions with your partner, do you always seek to be right? do you strive to protect your own feelings rather than risk opening your heart? Do you have the courage to swallow your pride in order to avoid an argument? Do you listen and seek to understand instead of talking all the time?
When relationship partners are both able to reliably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
A Deeper Understanding of Love
You know there is definitely something there when you look at your partner, he or she smiles, and you smile too.
And surely there is something there that makes you give up something you like or need so that your partner can benefit from it.
There is probably something at work too when you refrain from doing something because you think it might hurt your partner.
Some people say it's a chemical, a biological process; that it's indistinguishable from the pleasure you get from sinking your teeth into a scoop of moist chocolate lava cake.
Well, chemical process or not, love fro many of us is still mysterious, though centuries of practice have taught us some of the more profound truths of deeply caring of deeply caring for someone or, in some cases, an exceptionally well-made confectionery.
Love is not about needing someone to be there, but to be there for that person.
Love is not about how much time you have spent together, but how well you two seem to "fir".
Love is not about finding the perfect partner. It is about being the best person you can be.
Love is not just about being together. It's also about letting go.
As we learn more and more about love, we realise that it is not just a flutter of emotions, Byronesque sonnets, passionate kisses or warm embraces. In face, there is also much pain, heartache and sacrifice. Just like the line in that Burt Bacharach song that goes "What do you get when you kiss a guy? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia"!
You cannot compel love. You cannot court love and expect it to fly into your arms. Nor can you trap in a jar like a butterfly that will not doubt soon die anyway. You can only be loving, and hope that someone can see that love and appreciate it.
Love is infinite. It does not diminish even when you are giving it away freely. In fact, the more you share, the more you create and receive.
"Love" is not a word you say to someone if it's not love you feel. And if it truly is love, then it need not be spoken at all!
To love someone is to want the best for someone, even if that "best" thing isn't you.
Love can hurt and love can heal. The results are entirely up to you.
So make your relationships richer and more rewarding with this deeper understanding of love. Even if you are alone at the moment, you have always got that chocolate lava cake!
And surely there is something there that makes you give up something you like or need so that your partner can benefit from it.
There is probably something at work too when you refrain from doing something because you think it might hurt your partner.
Some people say it's a chemical, a biological process; that it's indistinguishable from the pleasure you get from sinking your teeth into a scoop of moist chocolate lava cake.
Well, chemical process or not, love fro many of us is still mysterious, though centuries of practice have taught us some of the more profound truths of deeply caring of deeply caring for someone or, in some cases, an exceptionally well-made confectionery.
Love is not about needing someone to be there, but to be there for that person.
Love is not about how much time you have spent together, but how well you two seem to "fir".
Love is not about finding the perfect partner. It is about being the best person you can be.
Love is not just about being together. It's also about letting go.
As we learn more and more about love, we realise that it is not just a flutter of emotions, Byronesque sonnets, passionate kisses or warm embraces. In face, there is also much pain, heartache and sacrifice. Just like the line in that Burt Bacharach song that goes "What do you get when you kiss a guy? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia"!
You cannot compel love. You cannot court love and expect it to fly into your arms. Nor can you trap in a jar like a butterfly that will not doubt soon die anyway. You can only be loving, and hope that someone can see that love and appreciate it.
Love is infinite. It does not diminish even when you are giving it away freely. In fact, the more you share, the more you create and receive.
"Love" is not a word you say to someone if it's not love you feel. And if it truly is love, then it need not be spoken at all!
To love someone is to want the best for someone, even if that "best" thing isn't you.
Love can hurt and love can heal. The results are entirely up to you.
So make your relationships richer and more rewarding with this deeper understanding of love. Even if you are alone at the moment, you have always got that chocolate lava cake!
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
An Evolving Relationship
Every relationship has the potential to become stagnant. This risk is especially real when the parties involved treat change with apprehension and fear. They think that change is what makes the relationship go sour or dull.
We often hear people say "Oh, she has changed" or "Things are just not the same" delivered in the tone of a Shakespearean tragedy's hero. It's as if change is not natural... as if we expect a relationship to be as vibrant and thrilling ten years down the road as if was in the first ten weeks.
A couple will inevitably go through many changes (or shall we say "evolution") in their years together. And some of the changes may make the relationship seem less exciting or rewarding, but they are really taking the relationship through the various stages of maturity.
If we recognise the power that these changes have to develop our relationship; to turn it from a fresh seeding into a sturdy oak, we will be able work with them to ensure that our relationship remains strong and fulfilling.
Living with expectation is the key. Once you stop having things to look forward to together, the relationship begins to feel stale. Doing things together becomes a chore rather than a delight. So regularly look ahead to and do new and different things together.
Make change exciting for both of you. Change though, doesn't mean trying to change your partner. Many of us make the mistake of trying to "fix" our loved ones. Instead of accepting and loving them for who they are, we think that they would be so much better if they'd only act and do things our way. This kind of expectation poisons a relationship and only leads to disappointment. We drive our loves away with our constant need to enlighten them.
The only person you can change is yourself. And once your partner sees the change and growth in you, he or she will feel more comfortable about making changes to himself or herself.
If your relationship feels lacklustre and cold, think deeply... is it really because you don't love each other anymore? Or is it simply because things have begun to feel routine and without expectation?
Rejuvenate your relationship by harnessing the power of change. Learn together, develop together, grow older together.
We often hear people say "Oh, she has changed" or "Things are just not the same" delivered in the tone of a Shakespearean tragedy's hero. It's as if change is not natural... as if we expect a relationship to be as vibrant and thrilling ten years down the road as if was in the first ten weeks.
A couple will inevitably go through many changes (or shall we say "evolution") in their years together. And some of the changes may make the relationship seem less exciting or rewarding, but they are really taking the relationship through the various stages of maturity.
If we recognise the power that these changes have to develop our relationship; to turn it from a fresh seeding into a sturdy oak, we will be able work with them to ensure that our relationship remains strong and fulfilling.
Living with expectation is the key. Once you stop having things to look forward to together, the relationship begins to feel stale. Doing things together becomes a chore rather than a delight. So regularly look ahead to and do new and different things together.
Make change exciting for both of you. Change though, doesn't mean trying to change your partner. Many of us make the mistake of trying to "fix" our loved ones. Instead of accepting and loving them for who they are, we think that they would be so much better if they'd only act and do things our way. This kind of expectation poisons a relationship and only leads to disappointment. We drive our loves away with our constant need to enlighten them.
The only person you can change is yourself. And once your partner sees the change and growth in you, he or she will feel more comfortable about making changes to himself or herself.
If your relationship feels lacklustre and cold, think deeply... is it really because you don't love each other anymore? Or is it simply because things have begun to feel routine and without expectation?
Rejuvenate your relationship by harnessing the power of change. Learn together, develop together, grow older together.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Love vs Career
Relationships, particularly romantic ones, often end up the casualty of a work-dominated or career-focused lifestyle. These days, with both spouses often having to work, the risk of endangering the relationship is quite high. Failure to properly manage your professional and romantic roles can send cracks through the foundation of your relationship. Many couples call it a day because at the end of the very long and stressful day, they find love just a tad too exhausting to keep alive.
Many working couples boil it down to the lack of time... and though poor time management is one of the culprits, there are several other factors at play.
Many professionals are so involved with their work that it consumes their thoughts and actions. They are usually very passionate about their work and are very successful in their field. They feel respected and empowered at work and when they come home, they expect the relationship to do the same for them. Unfortunately, a happy marriage does not happen by default.
You may be the boss at the office and might not have compromise much in your professional capacity, but the dynamics are radically different when you switch back to being a spouse and a lover. If you are used to getting your way at work, you may find it difficult to negotiate at home.
The key to making a dual career relationship work is mutual respect. Honour the work that your spouse does. Never make light of it or speak poorly of it. Respect your partner's professional aspirations and don't always expect that you come first in every situation.
Coordinate your schedule with your spouse's. At least once a week, plan an activity you can both enjoy - it could be a night out, an afternoon by the beach or even a game of Scrabble. Interaction within a fun and relaxed space is crucial to keeping your relationship loving and rewarding - it reminds both of you that your marriage is more than just household or parental responsibilities.
And never stop communicating with your spouse - and I don't mean yet another reminder about fixing the car or applying for that loan - share your real emotions, dreams and hopes, even something as simple as a compliment.
Keep that special connection open.
Many working couples boil it down to the lack of time... and though poor time management is one of the culprits, there are several other factors at play.
Many professionals are so involved with their work that it consumes their thoughts and actions. They are usually very passionate about their work and are very successful in their field. They feel respected and empowered at work and when they come home, they expect the relationship to do the same for them. Unfortunately, a happy marriage does not happen by default.
You may be the boss at the office and might not have compromise much in your professional capacity, but the dynamics are radically different when you switch back to being a spouse and a lover. If you are used to getting your way at work, you may find it difficult to negotiate at home.
The key to making a dual career relationship work is mutual respect. Honour the work that your spouse does. Never make light of it or speak poorly of it. Respect your partner's professional aspirations and don't always expect that you come first in every situation.
Coordinate your schedule with your spouse's. At least once a week, plan an activity you can both enjoy - it could be a night out, an afternoon by the beach or even a game of Scrabble. Interaction within a fun and relaxed space is crucial to keeping your relationship loving and rewarding - it reminds both of you that your marriage is more than just household or parental responsibilities.
And never stop communicating with your spouse - and I don't mean yet another reminder about fixing the car or applying for that loan - share your real emotions, dreams and hopes, even something as simple as a compliment.
Keep that special connection open.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Top Marriage Myths
Many of us have grown up with misconceptions about what makes a marriage work. We might have gotten these false ideas from observing our parents, from mainstream movies and music, from romance novels and magazines, or from friends who perpetuate the stereotypes that they themselves have embraced into belief system without deeper evaluation.
These are the top myths responsible for the disintegration of marriages:
First, the myth that your spouse should automatically know what you want and need. Now if this were true, your partner would have to be able to read your mind. So don't tow this tired old line... communicate your needs and wants honestly to your spouse, instead of expecting him or her to second guess your desires.
Another marriage myth assumes that your marriage would improve if only your spouse would just change his or her behaviour... you know, the nagging little habits and traits that get under your skin. This myth is damaging because you are playing a passive role... playing the "victim" while waiting for and expecting your spouse to change while not doing anything to improve yourself! To prevent this myth from destroying your marriage, work on improving yourself instead of waiting for your spouse to change. Decide to be happy with your spouse in spite of his or her shortcomings.
The next marriage myth expects you to always put your spouse's needs above your own. It demands that you always compromise your own desires and opinions in order to accommodate your spouse's, which of course is not sustainable because it's illogical. How long can you keep sacrificing yourself before you start to feel resentful? How long before your spouse begins to take your consistent submissions for granted? To bust this myth, make sure you respect both your spouse's needs and your own. Work on finding a middle ground where both of you can find some agreement.
And this final marriage myth assumes that your spouse should always, in all areas, contribute to half of the marriage - in terms of income, household work, managing the kids, and so on. Needless to say, this kind of strictly calculated system does not work when it comes to human beings. Of course there has to be space for flexibility.
When it comes to your marriage, don't blindly follow the stereotypes you have absorbed from other sources... Use your heart and your head.
These are the top myths responsible for the disintegration of marriages:
First, the myth that your spouse should automatically know what you want and need. Now if this were true, your partner would have to be able to read your mind. So don't tow this tired old line... communicate your needs and wants honestly to your spouse, instead of expecting him or her to second guess your desires.
Another marriage myth assumes that your marriage would improve if only your spouse would just change his or her behaviour... you know, the nagging little habits and traits that get under your skin. This myth is damaging because you are playing a passive role... playing the "victim" while waiting for and expecting your spouse to change while not doing anything to improve yourself! To prevent this myth from destroying your marriage, work on improving yourself instead of waiting for your spouse to change. Decide to be happy with your spouse in spite of his or her shortcomings.
The next marriage myth expects you to always put your spouse's needs above your own. It demands that you always compromise your own desires and opinions in order to accommodate your spouse's, which of course is not sustainable because it's illogical. How long can you keep sacrificing yourself before you start to feel resentful? How long before your spouse begins to take your consistent submissions for granted? To bust this myth, make sure you respect both your spouse's needs and your own. Work on finding a middle ground where both of you can find some agreement.
And this final marriage myth assumes that your spouse should always, in all areas, contribute to half of the marriage - in terms of income, household work, managing the kids, and so on. Needless to say, this kind of strictly calculated system does not work when it comes to human beings. Of course there has to be space for flexibility.
When it comes to your marriage, don't blindly follow the stereotypes you have absorbed from other sources... Use your heart and your head.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Art of Love
Some people believe that love is a spontaneous emotion that springs forth from each of us to unfaillingly soothe and heal. While love does have that potential, it is a delicate art that requires constant nurturing, understanding and dedication to truly blossom. As jazz singer Michael Franks wrote, "homework never ends (when) learning the art of love".
Many of us think we are in love, when we are really in love with the idea of being in love. We are besotted with the image of ourselves being with someone. As a result, our so-called love is actually self-centered, possessive, fettered and false. This can lead to relationships that satisfy us only superficially, or to a vain search for that "perfect" partner while oblivious to the love that's all around us.
For love is not limited to its romantic sense. Romantic love, especially in the early stages, energises us, makes us generous and forgiving, fills us with hope and makes every moment seem wonderful. But how long does it last? Why aren't we in love all the time?
The art of love, if perfected, enables us to love all of life. Romantic love can only thrive if it's supported by this kind of all-embracing, all-encompassing love. Let me clarify myself here and say that we should not, needless to say, love things like power, adulation, money or violence. What I'm referring to is love and respect for oneself, for example, love for preservation rather destruction and waste, love for nature and creation, love for fellow human beings, and a deeper appreciation of the people who love us.
The art of love is a lifelong endeavour. It's seldom perfected, if at all, but the greater the semblance we achieve, the fuller and richer our lives will be. For it was once said, that "we never ask the meaning of life when we are in love".
Indeed, love, if practised in the way it was meant to be practised, has the power to engender a constant sense of well-being, peace and happiness. It has the ability to create, perserve and heal.
Let's look as some reasons why we sometimes fail to find love, why the euphoria of love is often shortlived, and how we can open up our hearts to find and give love wherever we may be.
Have you heard people saying how they've tried searching for the right person for such a long time when he or she was right there under their noses? Sounds like a cliche? Or a cheap movie script? Well, yes and yes. but it is true that we are often so engrossed in our search for the "perfect" partner that we are oblivious to the people around us who do love us for who we are. Everyone has the potential to love. Most of the time though, we are simply too blinded by our own expectations and ideals that we fail to see the potential for love in them.
I'm not saying you should jump into a relationship with anyone who might express a liking for you. I'm saying do not simply dismiss someone whom you feel is not right for you. Allow time to reveal if love can indeed flourish. Do not make commitments you cannot fulfill. Do not make empty promises. But don't always push people away either. The move we can open up to people, the more we can appreciate what is being offered now.
Most of us feel compelled to play roles - both in relationships and in society. We think that these interpretations of us a re desirable and acceptable, and that the real "us" will not able to attract love.
The opposite is true. Most of the time, we are unable to find love because we're so busy playing oles and games that our partners never get to know who we really are. Notice how you are when you are with someone you have feelings for. Are you comfortable? Are you the real you? Or are you trying to present a version of you that you think is more impressive? People like people who are comfortable with themselves. you are most loveable and beautiful just the way you are. It's the roles that get in the way.
We human beings have the tendency to hold on. We want to hold on to our youth, we want to hold on to our possessions, and we want to hold on to the people we love. But love between two people has a life of its own, a freedom that no one can chain down. We must allow this love to arise and descend freely.
When people come into our lives, we should accept and cherish them while they're with us. When it's time for them to go, let them go. Do not turn the departure into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. The person's leaving has got nothing to do with you. Practise doing this with yourself as well. Do not let your love be unnecessarily shackled. when we allow love to ebb and flow naturally, we love more freely and truly.
Many of us bring a lot of emotional baggage into a relationship. Our own expectations and demands, the fear from past failed relationships, the criteria that we feel a relationship should hae. These are all obstacles to creating a free, fulfilling and loving partnership.
Take a look at what you feel is crucial for a relationship. The expectation of marriage, perhaps. maybe the person has to be intellectually-stimulating, emotionally-sensitive, humourous, caring and charming. The need to have the person available anytime you need support. The approval of your friends. The need for the person to find no one else attractive besides you. The need for the other person to appreciate and share your interests. Are these things keeping people and possiblities away? Are they wearing down your relationship?
Try putting some of this baggage down. You don't have to become selfless, generous, forgiving, emotionally-independent, confident, and understanding in one day. Practise it little by little. You will find that not only did you not need the baggage, it was preventing you from finding real happiness and love. Over time, you will feel lighter, happier, less resentful and more accepting and loving of yourself. What's more, you'll discover new people and opportunities you never noticesd before.
As someone once said, "When there are no unnecessary thoughts in your mind, everyday is a good day."
Many of us think we are in love, when we are really in love with the idea of being in love. We are besotted with the image of ourselves being with someone. As a result, our so-called love is actually self-centered, possessive, fettered and false. This can lead to relationships that satisfy us only superficially, or to a vain search for that "perfect" partner while oblivious to the love that's all around us.
For love is not limited to its romantic sense. Romantic love, especially in the early stages, energises us, makes us generous and forgiving, fills us with hope and makes every moment seem wonderful. But how long does it last? Why aren't we in love all the time?
The art of love, if perfected, enables us to love all of life. Romantic love can only thrive if it's supported by this kind of all-embracing, all-encompassing love. Let me clarify myself here and say that we should not, needless to say, love things like power, adulation, money or violence. What I'm referring to is love and respect for oneself, for example, love for preservation rather destruction and waste, love for nature and creation, love for fellow human beings, and a deeper appreciation of the people who love us.
The art of love is a lifelong endeavour. It's seldom perfected, if at all, but the greater the semblance we achieve, the fuller and richer our lives will be. For it was once said, that "we never ask the meaning of life when we are in love".
Indeed, love, if practised in the way it was meant to be practised, has the power to engender a constant sense of well-being, peace and happiness. It has the ability to create, perserve and heal.
Let's look as some reasons why we sometimes fail to find love, why the euphoria of love is often shortlived, and how we can open up our hearts to find and give love wherever we may be.
Have you heard people saying how they've tried searching for the right person for such a long time when he or she was right there under their noses? Sounds like a cliche? Or a cheap movie script? Well, yes and yes. but it is true that we are often so engrossed in our search for the "perfect" partner that we are oblivious to the people around us who do love us for who we are. Everyone has the potential to love. Most of the time though, we are simply too blinded by our own expectations and ideals that we fail to see the potential for love in them.
I'm not saying you should jump into a relationship with anyone who might express a liking for you. I'm saying do not simply dismiss someone whom you feel is not right for you. Allow time to reveal if love can indeed flourish. Do not make commitments you cannot fulfill. Do not make empty promises. But don't always push people away either. The move we can open up to people, the more we can appreciate what is being offered now.Most of us feel compelled to play roles - both in relationships and in society. We think that these interpretations of us a re desirable and acceptable, and that the real "us" will not able to attract love.
The opposite is true. Most of the time, we are unable to find love because we're so busy playing oles and games that our partners never get to know who we really are. Notice how you are when you are with someone you have feelings for. Are you comfortable? Are you the real you? Or are you trying to present a version of you that you think is more impressive? People like people who are comfortable with themselves. you are most loveable and beautiful just the way you are. It's the roles that get in the way.
We human beings have the tendency to hold on. We want to hold on to our youth, we want to hold on to our possessions, and we want to hold on to the people we love. But love between two people has a life of its own, a freedom that no one can chain down. We must allow this love to arise and descend freely.
When people come into our lives, we should accept and cherish them while they're with us. When it's time for them to go, let them go. Do not turn the departure into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. The person's leaving has got nothing to do with you. Practise doing this with yourself as well. Do not let your love be unnecessarily shackled. when we allow love to ebb and flow naturally, we love more freely and truly.
Many of us bring a lot of emotional baggage into a relationship. Our own expectations and demands, the fear from past failed relationships, the criteria that we feel a relationship should hae. These are all obstacles to creating a free, fulfilling and loving partnership.
Take a look at what you feel is crucial for a relationship. The expectation of marriage, perhaps. maybe the person has to be intellectually-stimulating, emotionally-sensitive, humourous, caring and charming. The need to have the person available anytime you need support. The approval of your friends. The need for the person to find no one else attractive besides you. The need for the other person to appreciate and share your interests. Are these things keeping people and possiblities away? Are they wearing down your relationship?
Try putting some of this baggage down. You don't have to become selfless, generous, forgiving, emotionally-independent, confident, and understanding in one day. Practise it little by little. You will find that not only did you not need the baggage, it was preventing you from finding real happiness and love. Over time, you will feel lighter, happier, less resentful and more accepting and loving of yourself. What's more, you'll discover new people and opportunities you never noticesd before.
As someone once said, "When there are no unnecessary thoughts in your mind, everyday is a good day."
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Love in a Time of Dual Career Families (2)
Because of rising living standards, education and self-empowerment, both parties in many marriages are career-oriented - they love their jobs, they thrive on the challenges, authority, respect and sense of achievement they get from their work. But when they come home and realize the complexities of maintaining a healthy marriage, they can often become disillusioned with their spouses and devote more and more of their time and energy to their careers. Needless to say, the relationship becomes diluted and unrewarding over time.
One of the biggest problems dual career relationships face is lack of time. You hear statements like this all the time - "But I just can't afford the time to say little-sweet-nothings!", or "I work 12 hours a day! I'm too tired for anything else when I get home!". Many couples do realize that their relationship is suffering from a lack of quality time, but they often do nothing about it. They behave almost as if their hands are tied and they're simply doomed. If you know you're not investing enough time in your spouse, do something about it! A happy lovelife will also give your career a boost!
Coordinate your schedule with your spouse's timetable. At least once a week, plan an activity you can both enjoy - it could be a night out, an afternoon by the beach or even a game of Scrabble. Interaction within a fun and relaxed space is crucial to keeping your relationship loving and rewarding - it reminds both of you that your marriage is more than just household or parental responsibilities.
Just as important is allocating some timeout for yourself by yourself. Don't cram out your inner soul with work and duties and other people. Find some time every week or every day if possible to just let your spirit settle. Your pool reflects much more clearly when it's calm. This is when you will organize your thoughts and tasks and receive answers to the problems you might be facing.
And never stop communicating with your spouse - and I don't mean yet another reminder about fixing the car or applying for that loan - I mean a sharing of real emotions, dreams and hopes, even something as simple as a compliment.
And remember, your spouse's career is an important part of him or her. So if it makes him or her happy, give your support. Your spouse will appreciate you for respecting his or her professional role.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Love in a Time of Dual Career Families
We live in an age of dual career families - as living standards rise, it's inevitable that more and more couples find it necessary for both parties to bring in the bacon. And as women become more empowered, it's natural that they too would want to earn their keep and develop satisfying careers.
But because each person has to dedicate a huge chunk of their lives to their careers, the risk of endangering the relationship is quite high. Failure to properly manage your professional and romantic roles can send cracks through the foundation of your relationship. Many couples call it a day because at the end of the very long and onerous day, they find love just a tad too exhausting to keep alive.
So if you're both career-oriented people, how can you continue to make the relationship fulfilling?
Too often, working couples boil it down to mere lack of time - "I've no time to be romantic", "I've no time to indulge her", "I've no time to take a vacation". Though poor time management is one of the culprits, there are several other factors at play when a relationship begins to fray.
Many professionals are so involved with their work that it consumes their thoughts and actions. They're usually very passionate about their work and are very successful in their field. They feel respected and empowered at work and when they come home, they expect the relationship to do the same for them. Unfortunately, a happy marriage doesn't happen by default.
You may be the boss at the office and might not have to compromise much in your professional capacity, but the dynamics are radically different when you switch back to being a spouse and a lover. If you're used to getting your way at work, you may find it difficult to negotiate at home.
The key to making a dual career relationship work is mutual respect. Honour the work that your spouse does. He or she probably experiences a lot of stress at the office and the home should be a sanctuary. Respect your partner's professional aspirations and don't always expect you to come first in every situation.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Marriage-Killing Myths
Many couples enter a marriage with critical misconceptions of what it takes to make it work. They go in thinking that love will take care of everything, that just because they're now legally united that both parties are automatically obligated to meet each others' whims and expectations. That your partner will gradually change to suit your ideals, that time and familiarity will smooth over the rough edges and magically transform him or her into the giving, loving, reliable, mature spouse and parent.
These misconceptions are not only inaccurate, they're the main reasons why marriages fail. Today, let's talk about these false beliefs and how they can destroy your marriage.
Many married couples take it for granted that their spouse should automatically know what they need and want. That because they "love" them, that they can somehow read their minds. They often don't express their authentic thoughts and desires, preferring instead to drop hints or pretend to be ok with the way things are. When their needs continue to be unfulfilled over time, the pent-up hurt and disappointment can result in a nasty display. The spouse meanwhile is completely baffled.
To many couples, marriage also appears to be the panacea for any defects in the relationship. Marriage is so often portrayed or spoken of as the ultimate dream, a sacrosanct union, and so on that it has taken on an almost magical sheen. People actually do believe that marriage can and will solve all problems, that once that destination has been reached, that they can heave a sigh of relief and let go. They believe that marriage will change whatever flaws they see in their partner - that she will finally begin to wash and cook and well, turn into a Stepford Wife, that he will stop going out with his beer buddies, that she will want three children, that he will become more mature, stop clowning around and make more money. Again, a complete myth. Marriage is the next step in the journey. It's not a solution, nor a dream, nor a magic spell. Don't marry your partner because you think it will turn him or her into your ideal partner.
It's also commonly believed that you should always put your spouse's needs first. Again, a dangerous conviction. Marriage is not about being an emotional slave. It's not about guilt that you feel if you fail to meet your spouse's expectations. Always putting other people's needs before your own demonstrates a lack of respect and love for yourself, and it won't be long before your own repressed needs begin to sour the relationship.
So check your reasons for marriage. How many of them are really myths?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Love No Enough
You love your partner very much, and you're pretty sure he or she loves you. So why are you always fighting? Why do both of you always seem to be in different places? Why are you feeling disappointed?
As we progress in our relationships, it becomes clearer and clearer that love is not enough. Love brings two persons together but other factors come into play to keep a union harmonious and mutually rewarding.
The most important of these is a high level of self-esteem in both parties. When either or both partners have low opinions of themselves or some aspects of themselves, they tend to breed insecure feelings, fear and resentment over mostly-imagined injustices. They tend to cage their true feelings, always giving in, putting up with their partner because they feel that this is the best they're ever going to do.
Here's a way to check your sense of self-worth and the true foundation for a successful relationship:
Close your eyes and rate your self-esteem by seeing or sensing a number from one to ten, with ten being high. Now imagine that you are seeing an image of yourself standing in front of you. Tell the image of yourself what he/she needs to do in order to raise his/her self-esteem. Now visualize yourself acting out in the future what you need to do in order to experience more self-love. Ideally you and your partner's score should be eight or higher. If it isn't, follow your plan on how to become more self-assured.
After self-esteem comes effective communication. Many couples resort to fight or flight responses when they get into an ugly area. The deep, inner layers of the problem therefore never get resolved and over time your relationship begins to feel like a minefield; you're both simply looking for areas to avoid and not much else. So make a commitment to yourself to learn better ways to express your thoughts and feelings, and to solve your problems.
Finally, a couple needs to grow together in order to stay together. Watch it when one party focuses on his or her own growth and the other remains stagnant or even regresses. Make sure that you and your partner are always learning together, looking forward to similar objectives and actively working towards them, together. If you can do all this with your partner, then over time you would have built a bond that nothing can break.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Improving Communication With Your Partner
Consistent, healthy communication is vital for your relationships. It's like the heart in the human body. It's easy to see why really - if you don't talk about your feelings, how will your partner know how you feel? And if your partner doesn't know, how can he or she react properly?
There are some things to note for healthy communication though; some couples seem to communicate often but it doesn't help the relationship because they're just venting and not listening. Or they're presuming too much, or taking things too personally.
Start by learning to listen. Now, some people seem to do that, but what they're really doing is waiting for their chance to cut in and defend themselves. They often sit while the other person is talking, waiting for a space to jump into the conversation to defend their actions, explain themselves, or explode in anger.
What you should do is listen actively and emphatically to your partner. Watch the facial expressions, the body language. Learn to listen to more than just the words since we often can't express what we're really trying to say in words alone.
Also, don't assume that you understand what your partner is trying to say. Ask for clarification. Sometimes, it can seem as though your partner is being sarcastic or insulting, or making a cruel joke about you, but you're basically just being over-sensitive. If you're not sure, ask. Very often, you'll find that you were off the mark completely. And trust your partner's clarification. If you can't trust your partner, then the relationship is doomed anyway.
Also, words have different meanings for different people. Some people say "interesting" when they mean "I think it's awful but I don't want to hurt your feelings". Learn to remember how your partner uses certain words or tones and what he or she is trying to convey. Take the time to study what he or she means by saying certain things. This will make your sharing experience much more pleasant.
There are certain topics that may trigger a fight-or-flight reaction. Sometimes in sharing you might bring up topics or feelings that scare your partner and put them into a flight situation where they close-up and avoid sharing or it might be something that touches a painful memory and they get into a defensive mode. Being aware of these triggers helps you learn how to either carefully back off or gently probe for answers.
Yes, healthy communication is tough, but if you're serious about making your relationship work, few things are more important.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Repairing Your Marriage
All couples fight to some degree and in various manners, but the difference between those that last and those that break apart is the ability to repair the subsequent damage.
Couples are united by love but sundered by their weak skills at relationship maintenance. Love is a spontaneous, fulfilling emotion and we don't need to learn how to love someone (not in the initial stage anyway); it just comes naturally. But how many of us truly know how to handle the ill feelings, cold wars and emotional disengagement arising from conflict? Given enough time to accumulate and simmer, these insidious emotions could wreck any happy couple.
That's why acquiring the skills to repair the damage done by clashes is so crucial in a marriage. In life we cannot avoid hurt, but we can learn how to heal.
Most of us go into relationships "blind", that is, not fully comprehending what's required to forge a rewarding, lasting bond. And so we're bound to make follies; after all, we all have our bad days, stress from other sources, or simply judge a situation poorly. Rather than ignoring the issue or your partner or allowing the anger to seethe, try fixing it.
If you feel that you're more clearly the offender, don't hold on stubbornly to that olive branch. And if your spouse is the more evidently at fault, don't sit on your high horse - be ready to accept any apology or atonement. You know it's not easy to admit you're wrong, and if your spouse does it sincerely, that shows that he or she truly cares about you and wants to mend bridges.
Here are some ways you can begin to repair the wreckage resulting from a bad crash.
First (and I bet you're thinking this too), apologise. A simple and heartfelt apology can sometimes do wonders for a relationship. Beware of overdoing it though; too many too often appears insincere and can backfire on you.
Then, try confiding feelings. Very often, conflict occurs because of deep insecurities and latent fears. Your partner is more likely to empathise with you if he or she knew these feelings, but obviously they can't tell unless you tell them. For example, you may be just really worried about the kids when you lost your cool. Express these concerns.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
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