How Being Good Can Be Bad for You

If you're like most people, your parents brought you up to be a "good" person - "be polite", "don't talk back", "stop pouting", "always share", "tell the truth", "stop complaining", "smile", "don't cry", "stop asking questions", "don't be selfish", and so on. This so-called "good" child is the pride of Mommy and Daddy and grows up, in the early years, to be everyone's darling.

But when this "good" child grows into an adult, these are the kinds of behaviour they display - they force themselves to smile even when they're upset, they accept tasks and situations they don't like just to accommodate others, they hardly ever assert their own needs, pepper their words with "should" and "ought to", cannot accept compliments and never believe that they're really good at something, and occasionally become perplexingly upset then try to put you on guilt trips or punish you in some way.

I could go on, but you get the idea. You see how these "good" boys and girls can be frustrating as men and women? Their parents meant well, as most parents do, but these parents have taught their children to suppress their real emotions and needs in order to fit in with the world. These people are often emotionally-draining because they come across as two-faced, and they rarely give useful feedback. As a result, they're often not successful in their relationships with others.

Adults who were raised as "good" children are also less able to cope with change and the unpredictable turns in life. They are most comfortable within rigid structures and routines and are terrified of any deviance from the path. They cannot distinguish between destructive and constructive criticism. Any negative comment made about them is seen as harsh. They love playing the victim because doing so gives them an excuse for continuing their behaviour. They require a lot of attention and love but cannot truly accept them. They pride themselves on their steadfast adherence to rules and establishment. "Good" people are made to become cogs in the wheels of industry. They make great workers but hardly succeed at being a leader, friend, or partner. They smile and agree with the people they actually oppose and regard them with suspicion and envy. They criticize these so-called "deviants" but secretly wish they could be like them, to have their freedom. But the iron cages of childhood conditioning are often too strong.

I'm not saying that you raise brats, but examine more closely how you're bringing up your child. Are you raising him to be a successful and happy adult? Or an eternal child trapped in a grown-up's body?

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Raising Thinking Children

Do you find that you have to constantly tell your child what to do? Brush your teeth, clear up your toys, make your bed, finish your homework, put on your shoes, walk on the pavement, don't watch TV too close to the screen and so on? The list can be endless especially if you have a very young child.

As parents, it's natural to feel that we have a duty to instruct our kids, to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. But when we adopt an approach of always commanding our children, they can very often become stubborn or rebellious. Excessive commands can lose their efficacy. Worse still, we're teaching them to always follow orders and never to think for themselves, which can lead to poor self-esteem and inability to make decisions later on in life.

This is not to say however that parents shouldn't guide their children. Just don't keep holding their hand or bringing out the cane. Why not try a different approach?

If you're sick of always playing the discipline master, stop demanding. Try asking your children questions instead. We often underestimate young children's ability to analyse situations and make sensible decisions on their own. So instead of saying "Brush your teeth now!", try asking "What do you need to do before having breakfast?"

Asking children questions gives them the opportunity to think for themselves and come logically to an answer. You can help them along by pointing out the benefits of that particular action, but let them discover the conclusion themselves - "What do you need to do after dinner?", "What do you need to do before we can go out?" Before you head to the zoo, ask "Do you have everything you need?" The child quickly learns responsibility and the value of planning ahead, and is more likely to internalize this kind of behaviour because he feels that he has made the decision himself.

Of course there will be times when only a no-nonsense direct command will do. But there is often another way. And if you use the "questioning", "gently guiding" approach consistently, you'll find that over time, you don't even need to remind your child anymore.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Time for a Time-Out?

If you watch "Super Nanny" and sigh to yourself "I wish I could hire her?", then here's a great tool for managing your rampaging kids.

It's called a time-out. Now this is already a well-known discipline technique in the U.S. It's not a punishment; it's a teaching method that helps your child learn how to control his or her own behaviour. When used consistently and properly, time-out helps your child learn how not to push your hot buttons.

Time-out is usually used when a child is arguing, using improper language, being disobedient, whining, throwing things, hitting, or having a tantrum.

Time-out is effective because it's a method where your child can see and know that you are backing up what you are saying, i.e., "If you don't stop whining, then there'll be time-out for you." Most children truly don't like time-out because it takes them away from something they enjoy doing.

So what exactly is a time-out?

Each parent has a unique way of presenting time-out and you'll discover your own. Prepare a time-out room where there are no distractions and nothing that can harm your child. Then, find something to represent the start of a time-out. Some parents use an egg timer or some parents use a buzzer. What you do is you place it on a table in the room then calmly tell their child to sit in a chair quietly until the timer rings. Again, explain to your child that you want the misbehaviour to stop. Once you've told your child that they have earned time-out, do not change your mind or be fooled by your child's sudden obedience and cooperative ways. Leave your child in the room with the timer (with or without the door open) and tell your child that you'll be right next-door. Time-out is breathing space for both you and your child to calm down, reflect and regain composure.

Set the timer for two to five minutes. Start the timer once your child is seated and quiet. If your child starts to scream or have a tantrum while in time-out, just simply ignore it. After the timer rings, go to your child. Don't lecture your child after time-out. In fact, change the subject matter when your child leaves the room. The child must want to get out of time-out into an enjoyable place again, not another lecture.

Many children will cease misbehaving once they see their parent reach for the timer. They know what's coming and they modify their own behaviour to become more cooperative. But do bear in mind that time-out is not effective for children below two, and time-out should be only used for correcting one particular misbehaviour at a time.

So is it time for a time-out?

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Stress Reduction for You and Your Kids

We're always hearing about how children are naturally happy, that they are generally immune to worry and guilt. Well, that might be true, but only until we grown-ups teach them how to be stressed. Our children look to us parents for appropriate behaviour, to learn what's right, what's wrong, how to react to certain stimuli and so on. In this way, we are also their role models for stress reduction. If we cannot manage our own stress levels, our kids in turn will not be able to deal with their own stress effectively.

A lot of stress is really self-inflicted. We may blame the high cost of living, competition, social expectations and so on for our crazy schedules but ignoring our own part in it is irresponsible and disempowering. Many of us lead exhausting lives because we overbook our schedules. We just try and cram in too much. We convince ourselves that certain things have to done by certain times and when they fall through, we feel guilty or inadequate.

We do that to our children's schedules too. Enrolling children in too many extracurricular activities can really stress them out. Generally speaking, kids seem to gain more satisfaction from focusing on a few interests that they truly enjoy. Just like adults, they tend to suffer physically and emotionally when they spread themselves too thin. Besides, if you allow your children to focus their energy on a handful of their favourite hobbies, say tennis and piano, they will continuously gain more and more skills in these areas, which will in turn boost their self-esteem.

Before you can learn to understand how stress is affecting your child, you need to know how to ask the right questions. How you ask your questions are also crucial. It's great to ask your young children some open-ended questions about school or camp or daycare, but proceed sensitively - listen carefully and look for cues about their anxiety level. Don't push your kids into areas in which they feel uncomfortable. Young children are natural storytellers and they will tell you about their experiences in school, with friends, teachers and other important subjects when they are ready. So very often it's best to gently nudge them in the appropriate direction and let them initiate the story-telling process.

You want to make them understand that stress is normal and that there is always something that can be done to get the levels down. Your children will pick up your calm, positive energy or your nervous, negative energy so focus on managing your own stress effectively. Allow them to see how you do it, and they will naturally learn and internalize these habits. And don't make the mistake of thinking that working excessively hard is necessarily going to help your kids. If you break down, who's going to help them? So if you're a nervous wreck, your children will probably crumble when they're stressed too. Here are some ways you can reduce your own stress, and in turn teach your child, by example, how anxiety can be minimized.

Simplify your home life in as many ways as possible. Very often our lives are chaotic because we simply do not take the time to organize them. Concentrate on a few key tasks and do them efficiently. Shut down your computer after a certain time in the evening and spend the rest of the day engaging with your children.

Minimize the level of "emotional drama" in your life. We can't stop exhausting or toxic people from entering our lives from time to time, but we can stop ourselves from thinking about them after the episodes have past. Let go of the meanness and nastiness that they've left in your hearts every now and again. This teaches your kids that they don't have to keep odious people in their lives. And also that they need not become bitter and hateful themselves.

When your children are around, always turn to your spouse when you need a friend to talk to. This shows them that a good and lasting marriage is possible when both parties can confide in one another without turning to outside sources. Ask for different perspectives, funny stories or a fun experience. And most importantly, laugh as often you can!

Another great way to de-stress is to perspire! Take your children out for a walk, a run, a swim or a game. Our bodies naturally retune themselves when the endorphins start flowing.

Also don't be afraid to spend time on what you love doing. Encourage your children to develop some hobbies and interests of your own. For example, if you find writing poetry or coming up with ridiculous recipes de-stressing, don't be embarrassed about it! A lot of the stress we give ourselves is from the holding back and worrying about what others might think of us.

And begin and end your day as calmly as possible. Make it a point to get up perhaps five or ten minutes earlier so you don't have to rush. Spend the extra time just breathing deeply with your eyes closed. Do this with your children. Ask about their dreams, their hopes. Talk about how blessed you are, to be healthy, to have one another, a beautiful home, a mind to learn new things, a heart to love. Take mental snapshots of you giving thanks for all that you have and keep them in your mind.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd