It'd be nice if we could read out partners' minds, wouldn't it?
Then we wouldn't have to guess or presume.
Telepathy though doesn't come naturally to most of us, and the inability to see our partner's point often results in many a harmless conversation turning into an unsightly quarrel.
What are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want while also giving our partners what they need?
Dr Brenda Shoshana give us the top three communication problems that most couples have, and the solutions to them in their article "The Relationship Saver".
Pitfall number one is communicating to manipulate. Sometimes we communicate solely to get what we want, regardless of whether the person can fulfill the request or not. We sulk, cajole, pout and do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, though temporarily effective, has a terrible effect on the health of the relationship in the long run. Give it up, and respect what the other person has to offer. Try and see whether you can meet your own need.
Pitfall number two is communicating to deceive. Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication as it destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games, and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the foundation of a relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it, for when you are honest and forthright, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others.
Pitfall number three is communicating with double messages. Saying one thing and doing another is a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something either with actions or words and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to a person's actions. Actions are always more aligned with the truth than their words. Try and understand people who don't deliver what they promise as they are probably just as confused as you are at their reactions.
Love cannot build a strong foundation when it's trying to set up camp in an earthquake zone. Keep the eruptions to the minimum when possible, talk in love, and be truthful and sincere. Then you will see a relationship being built out of mutual respect of each other's flaws and a gracious partnership based on true knowledge of your other half.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Dealing With Criticism At the Workplace
Nobody likes to be told off. Not really. Some people appear to take it very well, but that doesn't meant they enjoy it. No, criticism is tough, especially if it comes from someone you are not close to or necessarily respect.
At the workplace particularly, we can find ourselves in the firing line.
Whether it's our supervisor, a co-worker or a business associate, there will times when someone will disagree with some aspect of you or your work and express that view, sometimes not in the most pleasant of terms.
So what do we do? Do we counter attack? Do we defend ourselves vigorously? Or do we let it slide?
Well, first of all, consider if the disapproval is worth reaching to.
People often say things without thinking, sometimes to distract others from their own shrinking egos.
If you think the remark warrants some self-defense, then do so briefly and calmly. Sometimes, an attack is launched simply to provoke an emotionally charged reaction that may work against you. Generally though, don't take these jibes personally - you are not in a soap opera, you are not in primary school.
Criticism is a fact of life and as mature adults, we should take it sensibly and in our stride.
Next, remove the messenger from the picture and consider the criticism objectively.
Is there a modicum of truth in it? Sometimes, it takes an external party to zero in on that microscopic clot that may one day turn into a stroke. So be thankful that someone has pointed it out. In fact, actually thank the person who made the criticism. This shows that whatever sinister ploy to hurt you has failed and that you are sensible and mature person who can admit his own weaknesses and take steps to improve himself.
And do take the opportunity to improve yourself. Become all the better and stronger for it.
You know, not all criticism is meant to bring you down... sometimes, the aim is genuine problem-resolution. Sometimes, the other person is simply taking an objective stand.
Sometimes, he really has your interests at heart, but just doesn't employ the most tactful delivery. It's really in your benefit to be grateful that someone cared enough to let you know where you are going wrong or what you need to work on.
If you do think the criticism warrants a response though, then do so decisively.
Don't sweep it under the carpet or ignore the big elephant in the room.
Misunderstanding or not, a mature face-to-face talk will clear the air and help diffuse tensions.
At the workplace particularly, we can find ourselves in the firing line.
Whether it's our supervisor, a co-worker or a business associate, there will times when someone will disagree with some aspect of you or your work and express that view, sometimes not in the most pleasant of terms.
So what do we do? Do we counter attack? Do we defend ourselves vigorously? Or do we let it slide?
Well, first of all, consider if the disapproval is worth reaching to.
People often say things without thinking, sometimes to distract others from their own shrinking egos.
If you think the remark warrants some self-defense, then do so briefly and calmly. Sometimes, an attack is launched simply to provoke an emotionally charged reaction that may work against you. Generally though, don't take these jibes personally - you are not in a soap opera, you are not in primary school.
Criticism is a fact of life and as mature adults, we should take it sensibly and in our stride.
Next, remove the messenger from the picture and consider the criticism objectively.
Is there a modicum of truth in it? Sometimes, it takes an external party to zero in on that microscopic clot that may one day turn into a stroke. So be thankful that someone has pointed it out. In fact, actually thank the person who made the criticism. This shows that whatever sinister ploy to hurt you has failed and that you are sensible and mature person who can admit his own weaknesses and take steps to improve himself.
And do take the opportunity to improve yourself. Become all the better and stronger for it.
You know, not all criticism is meant to bring you down... sometimes, the aim is genuine problem-resolution. Sometimes, the other person is simply taking an objective stand.
Sometimes, he really has your interests at heart, but just doesn't employ the most tactful delivery. It's really in your benefit to be grateful that someone cared enough to let you know where you are going wrong or what you need to work on.
If you do think the criticism warrants a response though, then do so decisively.
Don't sweep it under the carpet or ignore the big elephant in the room.
Misunderstanding or not, a mature face-to-face talk will clear the air and help diffuse tensions.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Importance of Feedback
Most of us have had this experience - we go to a restaurant, receive horrible service, but remain silent about it. I mean, we probably will winge about it with our dining mates but mostly no more than that.
This kind of timid, non-assertive behaviour is often attributed to our "Asian reservation", "reservedness", our tendency to be more concerned about group benefit rather than individual satisfaction, and so on. "Let's not make a scene", "Oh it's just one of those days", and so on.
It can seem awfully trivial, especially after our temper has cooled. But our reluctance to assert ourselves has a wider-reaching consequence. When we don't give feedback for bad treatment, we are actually perpetuating bad service.
The lack of good service has long been a malaise of Singapore society. Could this be due to our general reluctance to point out bad service?
I have been guilty of this myself. I get shoddy service and simply brush it off. "Maybe he's having a bad day..." Well, maybe he is. Maybe he isn't What's certain though is that when you remain silent, you're rewarding bad behaviour. The service provider assumes he can get away with it and will be more likely to give sub-standard service in future. This certainly doesn't help his career development either.
And it's not just the service sector that suffers from the lack of feedback. When we remain tight-lipped about bad treatment, we encourage bad behaviour from almost everyone we interact with. Think of family members, your partner, a colleague or neighbour... what kinds of unreasonable treatment are you putting up with? What kinds of stress are you allowing yourself to take on a regular basis without voicing your opposition?
Now it's important to understand that we are not helping the relationship by keeping quiet. When we don't express our dissatisfaction, we are sending a signal that we're OK with being treated like that. The other party then sees nothing wrong with continuing to treat us like that. Over time, our silent rage bubbles and boils, our resentment builds up, we find ways to getting back at the other person, and the unspoken war wages on until finally, the relationship becomes untenable.
So do yourself and the other party a favour. If you feel - reasonably - that you deserve better, do say so.
Of course, this principle of feedback also applies to good service and behaviour. So when you're well-treated, do let the person or whatever place he's working in know. Give a bigger tip. Reward good behaviour and you will get more good behaviour.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
This kind of timid, non-assertive behaviour is often attributed to our "Asian reservation", "reservedness", our tendency to be more concerned about group benefit rather than individual satisfaction, and so on. "Let's not make a scene", "Oh it's just one of those days", and so on.
It can seem awfully trivial, especially after our temper has cooled. But our reluctance to assert ourselves has a wider-reaching consequence. When we don't give feedback for bad treatment, we are actually perpetuating bad service.
The lack of good service has long been a malaise of Singapore society. Could this be due to our general reluctance to point out bad service?
I have been guilty of this myself. I get shoddy service and simply brush it off. "Maybe he's having a bad day..." Well, maybe he is. Maybe he isn't What's certain though is that when you remain silent, you're rewarding bad behaviour. The service provider assumes he can get away with it and will be more likely to give sub-standard service in future. This certainly doesn't help his career development either.
And it's not just the service sector that suffers from the lack of feedback. When we remain tight-lipped about bad treatment, we encourage bad behaviour from almost everyone we interact with. Think of family members, your partner, a colleague or neighbour... what kinds of unreasonable treatment are you putting up with? What kinds of stress are you allowing yourself to take on a regular basis without voicing your opposition?
Now it's important to understand that we are not helping the relationship by keeping quiet. When we don't express our dissatisfaction, we are sending a signal that we're OK with being treated like that. The other party then sees nothing wrong with continuing to treat us like that. Over time, our silent rage bubbles and boils, our resentment builds up, we find ways to getting back at the other person, and the unspoken war wages on until finally, the relationship becomes untenable.
So do yourself and the other party a favour. If you feel - reasonably - that you deserve better, do say so.
Of course, this principle of feedback also applies to good service and behaviour. So when you're well-treated, do let the person or whatever place he's working in know. Give a bigger tip. Reward good behaviour and you will get more good behaviour.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Focusing More On Ourselves
Most of the problems in the world stem from a fundamental malaise of Mankind that the centuries have not been able to cure. Our tendency to be overly-concerned about other people - their flaws, their injustice, their immorality - and not caring enough about our own weakness and what we can do about them.
Murder, racial and religious intolerance, revenge attacks, bomb blasts... these all have roots in our refusal to critically examine ourselves first before judging others. Leaders of the world continue to condemn these acts and the perpetrators continue to justify their behaviour, but we are no closer to resolving age-old conflicts.
The truth is, the world has always been torn by strife and clashes, civilizations rise and fall, good intentions get corrupted by self-righteousness, greed and power, and revenge continues to breed more and more revenge. In fact, the history of Man has been a history of repetition. We come, we conquer, we plunder, we use up, then go find some other place to feed our cravings or someone else to blame.
If we could all stop thinking about and blaming others for our problems and begin to focus more on ourselves and our self-development, I'm sure the world would be a much better place. The problem with focusing on others is that it's a convenient distraction from our own flaws. While we're preoccupied with others, we don't have time to think about our own shortcomings and therefore don't have to do anything about them. It's weakness of character because it takes courage to look within, discover our own flaws and work towards improving ourselves.
If we want others to change, we must first change ourselves. We can only lead by example. This is as true of parent and child relationships as it is with politician and citizen, boss and subordinate, believer and non-believer. Nothing will make others see our point of view unless we can prove just how clearly we see it ourselves. Whether you believe in God or not is a person choice - only you can see it, only you can feel it or not, you don't need anyone for chat. And why should it matter to you how others think as long as it doesn't affect the way you think?
Starting now, try to shift your focus from other people onto yourself. Think about how you can be a getter person. How you can reach for that deeper humanity in you.
Murder, racial and religious intolerance, revenge attacks, bomb blasts... these all have roots in our refusal to critically examine ourselves first before judging others. Leaders of the world continue to condemn these acts and the perpetrators continue to justify their behaviour, but we are no closer to resolving age-old conflicts.
The truth is, the world has always been torn by strife and clashes, civilizations rise and fall, good intentions get corrupted by self-righteousness, greed and power, and revenge continues to breed more and more revenge. In fact, the history of Man has been a history of repetition. We come, we conquer, we plunder, we use up, then go find some other place to feed our cravings or someone else to blame.
If we could all stop thinking about and blaming others for our problems and begin to focus more on ourselves and our self-development, I'm sure the world would be a much better place. The problem with focusing on others is that it's a convenient distraction from our own flaws. While we're preoccupied with others, we don't have time to think about our own shortcomings and therefore don't have to do anything about them. It's weakness of character because it takes courage to look within, discover our own flaws and work towards improving ourselves.
If we want others to change, we must first change ourselves. We can only lead by example. This is as true of parent and child relationships as it is with politician and citizen, boss and subordinate, believer and non-believer. Nothing will make others see our point of view unless we can prove just how clearly we see it ourselves. Whether you believe in God or not is a person choice - only you can see it, only you can feel it or not, you don't need anyone for chat. And why should it matter to you how others think as long as it doesn't affect the way you think?
Starting now, try to shift your focus from other people onto yourself. Think about how you can be a getter person. How you can reach for that deeper humanity in you.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Working and Living Well With People
You meet someone for the first time and strike up a conversation. As the conversation progresses, you find yourself smiling quite a bit and really warming up to this person. After a couple of minutes, you make a subtle mental assessment that you like this person.
Well, if you could rewind the encounter and analyse it, you would probably realise that the main reason why you formed a favourable impression of this person was because he made you feel important. Through his interested facial expression, and enthusiastic questions about you, he made you feel that you were the focus of the conversation.
And everyone likes to feel important.
Therein lies the simple secret to working and living well with people.
Greet everyone you meet with enthusiasm. Have you ever called someone or met them somewhere, and they greeted you with such energy and enthusiasm that you felt they must truly adore you? A greeting of ardent and genuine enthusiasm sets the tone for your entire encounter. It's such a simple skill... the hardest part is remembering to do it... but if you can remember, it will enliven all of your relationships.
Slow down. Take the time in conversation to really listen. While someone is talking, focus on taking in what he or she is saying in words, tone, and body language instead of thinking about what you are going to say next. Relax and listen before responding.
As you practice this form of deep listening, work on identifying the other person's needs. Put your own needs aside during the conversation and focus on determining what they need today. Savour the connection you can make with another person, even in a casual conversation.
Work on remembering the details of past conversations and encounters. Ask about the things they confided to you. How did her business presentation go? How is his ailing father? It's often helpful to make little notes to remind you to ask about something or someone the next time you meet. This simple skill shows people that they are important to you.
Appreciate the small things that people do for you and never pass up an opportunity to say thank you. Find simple and small ways to show appreciation and caring to those you love.
When you make the people around you feel important, you create a climate of trust and mutual appreciation, which can change your life in ways large and small. Try it today.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Well, if you could rewind the encounter and analyse it, you would probably realise that the main reason why you formed a favourable impression of this person was because he made you feel important. Through his interested facial expression, and enthusiastic questions about you, he made you feel that you were the focus of the conversation.
And everyone likes to feel important.
Therein lies the simple secret to working and living well with people.
Greet everyone you meet with enthusiasm. Have you ever called someone or met them somewhere, and they greeted you with such energy and enthusiasm that you felt they must truly adore you? A greeting of ardent and genuine enthusiasm sets the tone for your entire encounter. It's such a simple skill... the hardest part is remembering to do it... but if you can remember, it will enliven all of your relationships.
Slow down. Take the time in conversation to really listen. While someone is talking, focus on taking in what he or she is saying in words, tone, and body language instead of thinking about what you are going to say next. Relax and listen before responding.
As you practice this form of deep listening, work on identifying the other person's needs. Put your own needs aside during the conversation and focus on determining what they need today. Savour the connection you can make with another person, even in a casual conversation.
Work on remembering the details of past conversations and encounters. Ask about the things they confided to you. How did her business presentation go? How is his ailing father? It's often helpful to make little notes to remind you to ask about something or someone the next time you meet. This simple skill shows people that they are important to you.
Appreciate the small things that people do for you and never pass up an opportunity to say thank you. Find simple and small ways to show appreciation and caring to those you love.
When you make the people around you feel important, you create a climate of trust and mutual appreciation, which can change your life in ways large and small. Try it today.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Conversation-Starters
We've all been there. You are at a party, or some social event... no one you really know. There are a couple of people you would like to know, but you have no idea how to start a conversation with them.
Or someone comes up to you, says "hello", you say "hi". And then... awkward silence. You are desperately thinking of things to talk about... there are about twenty things running through you head; none of them though actually emerging from your lips.
Though human beings are social creatures, not all of us are naturally sociable. And if you are not the life of the party, that's nothing to be ashamed about. The problem though is that for some of us, the more we falter at social events, the more fearful we can become of them. And this can affect our self-esteem and opportunities for self-development. Not to mention our romantic prospects.
Fortunately though, there is a method to starting and maintaining conversations.
First, let's tackle your state of mind. At a function, you are typically focusing on you, right? How you appear to others, how they are judging you, what you should say or do, and so on. It's no wonder the experience is so nerve-wracking.
Well, take the focus off you and on to other people and your surroundings. Notice what's happening in your environment... take an active interest in what others are doing, saying or wearing, how they are behaving. When your mind is occupied with others, it has no time to worry about you.
Find something common, either between the two of you or something in the surroundings or place and talk about that - how parking was tough, maybe, how good the food looks, which items are must-haves, similar hobbies or work, interest in some ingoing media event perhaps. Remember to who more interest in the other party; ask follow-up questions based on this answers. Everybody loves talking about themselves. So let them carry the conversation.
That's why compliments work well too. It shows that you actually noticed. And it doesn't always have to be something about their appearance or what they are wearing... if you love their enthusiasm or energy, for example, tell them.
Or if you are not in the mood to think about what to say sometimes, make sure you bring along a unique item and display it prominently... that's guaranteed to be a conversation-starter.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Or someone comes up to you, says "hello", you say "hi". And then... awkward silence. You are desperately thinking of things to talk about... there are about twenty things running through you head; none of them though actually emerging from your lips.
Though human beings are social creatures, not all of us are naturally sociable. And if you are not the life of the party, that's nothing to be ashamed about. The problem though is that for some of us, the more we falter at social events, the more fearful we can become of them. And this can affect our self-esteem and opportunities for self-development. Not to mention our romantic prospects.
Fortunately though, there is a method to starting and maintaining conversations.
First, let's tackle your state of mind. At a function, you are typically focusing on you, right? How you appear to others, how they are judging you, what you should say or do, and so on. It's no wonder the experience is so nerve-wracking.
Well, take the focus off you and on to other people and your surroundings. Notice what's happening in your environment... take an active interest in what others are doing, saying or wearing, how they are behaving. When your mind is occupied with others, it has no time to worry about you.
Find something common, either between the two of you or something in the surroundings or place and talk about that - how parking was tough, maybe, how good the food looks, which items are must-haves, similar hobbies or work, interest in some ingoing media event perhaps. Remember to who more interest in the other party; ask follow-up questions based on this answers. Everybody loves talking about themselves. So let them carry the conversation.
That's why compliments work well too. It shows that you actually noticed. And it doesn't always have to be something about their appearance or what they are wearing... if you love their enthusiasm or energy, for example, tell them.
Or if you are not in the mood to think about what to say sometimes, make sure you bring along a unique item and display it prominently... that's guaranteed to be a conversation-starter.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Relationship Conflict Management
There will be no doubt be times when you don't see eye to eye with your partner. Disagreement is unavoidable in any relationship, so the key to maintaining a healthy relationship is not simply avoiding conflict but how to resolve them effectively.
Our partner is often the closest person to us both emotionally and physically. Because of this intimacy and proximity, we can sometimes get on each other's nerves. Argument is not the problem - it is crucial that we are able to air grievances with our partner - it is reacting in anger or allowing negative emotions to overwhelm the issue that's dangerous.
So don't attack each other personally. Remind yourself that it's the issue that's the problem, not the person. Don't resort to name-calling and don't bring up the past. If you don't feel you cannot control your anger, then let your partner know that you will talk about it at a later time. Don't allow the anger to strike out on your behalf.
When you have the time to quietly explore your feelings, ask yourself why you were so upset. And be honest... Were you over-reacting to something that was really quite inconsequential? Were you lashing out because you were unhappy with yourself, or jealous of others?
We have to be careful that we are not straining the relationship because of something within us that we have yet to resolve. This would be a shame because we will simply carry this internal baggage with us on to the next relationship and will probably be poisoning that one as well.
If you have ever been told a riddle and then denied the answer, you will know how frustrating it is to play a guessing game. And we can sometimes do this to our partner when we don't clearly communicate our needs to them. So have a proper think about it - what do you really want? Are you perhaps confused yourself about what it is you are actually after?
And work towards mutual action and mutual satisfaction. A relationship is a joint effort. If one party ends up being mainly responsible for making the union work, resentment will build up. So work out fair resolutions.
Effective conflict management is often overlooked but it can make or break a relationship. So handle your disagreements with these points in mind and enjoy a more fulfilling and enduring relationship.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Our partner is often the closest person to us both emotionally and physically. Because of this intimacy and proximity, we can sometimes get on each other's nerves. Argument is not the problem - it is crucial that we are able to air grievances with our partner - it is reacting in anger or allowing negative emotions to overwhelm the issue that's dangerous.
So don't attack each other personally. Remind yourself that it's the issue that's the problem, not the person. Don't resort to name-calling and don't bring up the past. If you don't feel you cannot control your anger, then let your partner know that you will talk about it at a later time. Don't allow the anger to strike out on your behalf.
When you have the time to quietly explore your feelings, ask yourself why you were so upset. And be honest... Were you over-reacting to something that was really quite inconsequential? Were you lashing out because you were unhappy with yourself, or jealous of others?
We have to be careful that we are not straining the relationship because of something within us that we have yet to resolve. This would be a shame because we will simply carry this internal baggage with us on to the next relationship and will probably be poisoning that one as well.
If you have ever been told a riddle and then denied the answer, you will know how frustrating it is to play a guessing game. And we can sometimes do this to our partner when we don't clearly communicate our needs to them. So have a proper think about it - what do you really want? Are you perhaps confused yourself about what it is you are actually after?
And work towards mutual action and mutual satisfaction. A relationship is a joint effort. If one party ends up being mainly responsible for making the union work, resentment will build up. So work out fair resolutions.
Effective conflict management is often overlooked but it can make or break a relationship. So handle your disagreements with these points in mind and enjoy a more fulfilling and enduring relationship.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Communication Errors in a Relationships
Sometimes we wish we could read our partner's thoughts. If we could do that, we would be clearer about what they want or need, and we would be in a much better position to provide for them.
In the absence of that ability though, the next best thing would be to enjoy effective communication with our partners.
Many couples though make these key errors in their communication.
Mistake number one is communicating to manipulate. Sometimes we communicate solely to get what we want, regardless of whether the person can fulfill the request or not. We sulk, cajole, pout and do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, thought temporarily effective, has a terrible effect on the health of the relationship in the long run. Give it up, and respect what the other person has to offer. Try and see whether you can meet your own need.
Pitfall number two is communicating to deceive. Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication as it destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games, and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the foundation of a relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it, for when you are honest and fortnight, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others.
Error number three is communicating with double messages. Saying one thing and doing another is a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something, either with actions or words, and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to person's actions. Actions are always more aligned with the truth than their words. Try and understand people who don't deliver what they promise as they are probably just as confused as you are at their reactions.
Harsh words are spoken and promises may be broken, but love cannot build a strong foundation when it's trying to set up camp in an earthquake zone. Keep the eruptions to the minimum when possible, talk in love, and be truthful and sincere. Then you will see a relationship being built out of mutual respect for each other's flaws and a gracious partnership based on true knowledge of your other half.
In the absence of that ability though, the next best thing would be to enjoy effective communication with our partners.
Many couples though make these key errors in their communication.
Mistake number one is communicating to manipulate. Sometimes we communicate solely to get what we want, regardless of whether the person can fulfill the request or not. We sulk, cajole, pout and do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, thought temporarily effective, has a terrible effect on the health of the relationship in the long run. Give it up, and respect what the other person has to offer. Try and see whether you can meet your own need.
Pitfall number two is communicating to deceive. Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication as it destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games, and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the foundation of a relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it, for when you are honest and fortnight, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others.
Error number three is communicating with double messages. Saying one thing and doing another is a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something, either with actions or words, and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to person's actions. Actions are always more aligned with the truth than their words. Try and understand people who don't deliver what they promise as they are probably just as confused as you are at their reactions.
Harsh words are spoken and promises may be broken, but love cannot build a strong foundation when it's trying to set up camp in an earthquake zone. Keep the eruptions to the minimum when possible, talk in love, and be truthful and sincere. Then you will see a relationship being built out of mutual respect for each other's flaws and a gracious partnership based on true knowledge of your other half.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Effective Conflict Resolution
This world thrives on diversity - our differences allow us to play our own unique roles that sustain the greater scheme of things. Variety also makes life more colourful and vibrant, and inspires limitless possibilities.
But our differences can sometimes foment disagreement and conflict. Disparity in opinion, values and beliefs, in particular, can lead to alienation and hostility, even violence.
With casual acquaintances or strangers, it's sometimes best to avoid confrontation altogether. But with people who have closer links to us - our friends, colleagues, family members or important business associates like our clients or investors - our personal spheres overlap and we have too much invested in each other. Running away from the conflict simply makes things worse.
When approaching such conflicts, keeping a cool head is the first and most important strategy. Anger is such a powerful emotion, it can tear through the conflict, obliterating reason, fairness and lucidity in its path. It can lead to a lot of raised voices and blood pressures, but ultimately solves nothing. We can sometimes end up saying or doing something that further strains the relationship.
So don't make the situation worse than it already is. If you feel your temper rising, take a time-out. When you are feeling calmer and better able to discuss things in a lucid and sensible manner, then return to the issue.
In a conflict, many of us also feel the need to blame the other party. But finger-pointing is a weak and childish act, and you are often the one who ends up looking bad. Nobody likes a blamer... so always aim to be the problem-solver.
We often feel we deserve to express our views and long-simmering frustrations, but ignore the fact that the other party deserves it too. One-sided conflicts never work out... even if they seem resolved, it's only because the other person simply pulled out. This often leads to the issue festering quietly until another incident triggers an even more incendiary outburst
So allow the other person to say what he needs to say. Listen carefully and you might be able to understand his position better. Look for common ground and goals and use them to plan a resolution and better working methods for the future.
The other thing about remaining silent and letting other person gush is that he will be forced to listen to what he's saying. He will often stop talking when he realises that he's said something that's not fair or sensible, even detrimental to his position. When he's done, you can then have your say. He will be less likely interrupt since he's already had his turn.
Conflict is inevitable in life... what's essential is how we manage them to minimise damage and work towards a better future.
But our differences can sometimes foment disagreement and conflict. Disparity in opinion, values and beliefs, in particular, can lead to alienation and hostility, even violence.
With casual acquaintances or strangers, it's sometimes best to avoid confrontation altogether. But with people who have closer links to us - our friends, colleagues, family members or important business associates like our clients or investors - our personal spheres overlap and we have too much invested in each other. Running away from the conflict simply makes things worse.
When approaching such conflicts, keeping a cool head is the first and most important strategy. Anger is such a powerful emotion, it can tear through the conflict, obliterating reason, fairness and lucidity in its path. It can lead to a lot of raised voices and blood pressures, but ultimately solves nothing. We can sometimes end up saying or doing something that further strains the relationship.
So don't make the situation worse than it already is. If you feel your temper rising, take a time-out. When you are feeling calmer and better able to discuss things in a lucid and sensible manner, then return to the issue.
In a conflict, many of us also feel the need to blame the other party. But finger-pointing is a weak and childish act, and you are often the one who ends up looking bad. Nobody likes a blamer... so always aim to be the problem-solver.
We often feel we deserve to express our views and long-simmering frustrations, but ignore the fact that the other party deserves it too. One-sided conflicts never work out... even if they seem resolved, it's only because the other person simply pulled out. This often leads to the issue festering quietly until another incident triggers an even more incendiary outburst
So allow the other person to say what he needs to say. Listen carefully and you might be able to understand his position better. Look for common ground and goals and use them to plan a resolution and better working methods for the future.
The other thing about remaining silent and letting other person gush is that he will be forced to listen to what he's saying. He will often stop talking when he realises that he's said something that's not fair or sensible, even detrimental to his position. When he's done, you can then have your say. He will be less likely interrupt since he's already had his turn.
Conflict is inevitable in life... what's essential is how we manage them to minimise damage and work towards a better future.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Watching What We Say
We all understand keenly the power of information. The battle can be won simply because one side intercepted news of the enemy's intention. A rash email can become a source of deep embarassment, not to mention potential source of blackmail. A person's reputation can be ruined by rumour.
Of cource, most of the time, our talk is a positive attribute. It helps us make friends and helps others feel included in a group. But sometimes, we get so caught up in talking and "doing what comes naturally" that we forget to think before we open our mouths.
There is an adage that goes "The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid."
Here's something to think about the next time we feel the urge to talk about someone, or are in the presence of someone talking about someone else.
Do i know this to be the absolute truth? Am I adding embellishments of my own? How well-informed am I about this person or this situation? Am I qualified to make a judgement? Did I get this news from someone else? How reliable is that person? Is he or she consistently gossiping about others? Am I pointing out the flaws of others in order to distract people from my own? Would I want this news shared about me?
I know it's extremely difficult to hold our tongues - very often we think of it as "Just making conversation". But think about what your words are doing. Are you muddying the person's reputation just for a bit of "conversation"? What are your words doing to you? What are they doing to other people's perception of you?
The next time you're drawn into a conversation, watch what you say. What are you discussing? What impressions are you forming, intentionally or unintentionally? Are you preoccupied with the trivial pursuits, trials and defeats of other people instead of focusing on your own flaws and working on them to improve yourself?
What we say about other people also says volumes about the kind of person we are. As someone once wrote: "The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly."
Of cource, most of the time, our talk is a positive attribute. It helps us make friends and helps others feel included in a group. But sometimes, we get so caught up in talking and "doing what comes naturally" that we forget to think before we open our mouths.
There is an adage that goes "The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid."
Here's something to think about the next time we feel the urge to talk about someone, or are in the presence of someone talking about someone else.
Do i know this to be the absolute truth? Am I adding embellishments of my own? How well-informed am I about this person or this situation? Am I qualified to make a judgement? Did I get this news from someone else? How reliable is that person? Is he or she consistently gossiping about others? Am I pointing out the flaws of others in order to distract people from my own? Would I want this news shared about me?
I know it's extremely difficult to hold our tongues - very often we think of it as "Just making conversation". But think about what your words are doing. Are you muddying the person's reputation just for a bit of "conversation"? What are your words doing to you? What are they doing to other people's perception of you?
The next time you're drawn into a conversation, watch what you say. What are you discussing? What impressions are you forming, intentionally or unintentionally? Are you preoccupied with the trivial pursuits, trials and defeats of other people instead of focusing on your own flaws and working on them to improve yourself?
What we say about other people also says volumes about the kind of person we are. As someone once wrote: "The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly."
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Highest Desire
In our daily intereactions with others, be they with our spouse, our children, our parents, our colleagues, our friends or our bosses, we sometimes lose the plot. By this I mean that we often get overcome by emotions, distracted by petty sidelines, and forget our focus.
Let's say you have a dispute with our spouse or partner. The primary factor in this relationship, the reason why you're both in it, is to love and be loved. But very often we get ingrained in other stuff - the need to be right for instance - and that kills the highest intention you had when you first met, began courting and decided that you would like to spend more time with each other.
Ultimately, you love this person and this person loves you. That should be the most important outcome, should not it? When you keep your focus on this, the dispute becomes secondary - unimportant and definitely not worth straining your relationship over.
It's probably easier to understand this with someone you love. But what about with your colleagues, whom you don't love? Well, not romantically anyway...
Again, what is your highest intention, the highest desire? Is it to win your point of view at any cost? Is it to be seen the most capable employee in the company? Is it to earn a simple living so you focus on other aspects of life you cherish more? Or is it to rise through the ranks and one day own your own business? Is it to build respect? Or to be recognised for your talents and abilities? Focus on the highest outcome. When you do this, you send subtle, unseen signals to your colleagues and your bosses and they will begin to show you the very thing you want.
What about the kids?
With kids, the same principles applies - what is the utmost intention? Is it to force them into doing what you want right now or to have them willingly co-operate and grow up into well rounded, responsible people who can think for themselves and make their own decision?
Our relationships can be beneficial and rewarding. We just have to focus on the highest desire - what is the highest outcome you could have in this situation? What's most important?
Let's say you have a dispute with our spouse or partner. The primary factor in this relationship, the reason why you're both in it, is to love and be loved. But very often we get ingrained in other stuff - the need to be right for instance - and that kills the highest intention you had when you first met, began courting and decided that you would like to spend more time with each other.
Ultimately, you love this person and this person loves you. That should be the most important outcome, should not it? When you keep your focus on this, the dispute becomes secondary - unimportant and definitely not worth straining your relationship over.
It's probably easier to understand this with someone you love. But what about with your colleagues, whom you don't love? Well, not romantically anyway...
Again, what is your highest intention, the highest desire? Is it to win your point of view at any cost? Is it to be seen the most capable employee in the company? Is it to earn a simple living so you focus on other aspects of life you cherish more? Or is it to rise through the ranks and one day own your own business? Is it to build respect? Or to be recognised for your talents and abilities? Focus on the highest outcome. When you do this, you send subtle, unseen signals to your colleagues and your bosses and they will begin to show you the very thing you want.
What about the kids?
With kids, the same principles applies - what is the utmost intention? Is it to force them into doing what you want right now or to have them willingly co-operate and grow up into well rounded, responsible people who can think for themselves and make their own decision?
Our relationships can be beneficial and rewarding. We just have to focus on the highest desire - what is the highest outcome you could have in this situation? What's most important?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Stop the Bickering
Are you always bickering with your partner? Does every little thing seem to become an issue between you two? You know you truly love and care for each other, but somehow the bickering doesn't seem to stop. It's even gotten to the point where the relationship is no longer enjoyable, when it should be between two people who are in love.
So what's wrong here?
Examine the dynamics of your quarrels. Are they often triggered by seemingly trivial complains about time management, child-rearing, money or household chores? Do they turn into back-and-forth arguments where each party would argue, explain and defend? Neither of you seems to be listening to the other. It's like you're both locked in battle positions, unable to move until one party falls. Either that or you both get so exhausted that the argument dies a natural death... not resolved, unfortunately, just beaten into silence.
In this situation, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right, to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as your intensions are to control and not be controlled, you are stuck.
Later, when things quieten and you've both had time to do some soul-searching, you realize that this happens despite the fact that you love each other. But as soon as an issue come up, you stop caring about yourselves and each other. You become so intent on winning or not losing that caring goes out the window.
Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other - it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.
The next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, "Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a away for both of you to win.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
So what's wrong here?
Examine the dynamics of your quarrels. Are they often triggered by seemingly trivial complains about time management, child-rearing, money or household chores? Do they turn into back-and-forth arguments where each party would argue, explain and defend? Neither of you seems to be listening to the other. It's like you're both locked in battle positions, unable to move until one party falls. Either that or you both get so exhausted that the argument dies a natural death... not resolved, unfortunately, just beaten into silence.
In this situation, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right, to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as your intensions are to control and not be controlled, you are stuck.
Later, when things quieten and you've both had time to do some soul-searching, you realize that this happens despite the fact that you love each other. But as soon as an issue come up, you stop caring about yourselves and each other. You become so intent on winning or not losing that caring goes out the window.
Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other - it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.
The next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, "Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a away for both of you to win.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Secret to Working and Living Well With People
Entrepreneur Mary Kay Ash once said "Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, 'Make me feel important.'"
Mary certainly knew what she was talking about. That little secret to working well with people helped her grow Mary Kay Cosmetics into the largest direct seller of skin care and color cosmetics in the United States. Mary understood that in any relationship, whether it's a spouse, child, client, colleague or casual acquaintance, the best way to make a lasting impression is to take the time to make others feel genuinely valued.
Here are some ways you can make others feel more important.
Greet everyone you meet with enthusiasm. Have you ever called someone on the telephone - or met them somewhere -- and they greeted you with such energy and enthusiasm that you felt they must truly adore you? A greeting of ardent and genuine enthusiasm sets the tone for your entire encounter. It's such a simple skill (the hardest part is remembering to do it) but if you CAN remember, it will enliven all of your relationships. This skill can be particularly life-changing when practiced with your children. A simple show of enthusiasm and appreciation when a child walks in the room can have a miraculous effect on the relationship.
Slow down. Take the time in conversation to really listen. While someone is talking, focus on talking in what he or she saying in words, tone and body language instead of thinking about what you are going to say next. Relax and listen before responding. As you practice this form of deep listening, work on identifying the other person's needs. Put your own needs aside during the conversation and focus on determining what they need today. Savour the connection you can make with another person, even in a casual conversation.
Work on remembering the details of past conversations and encounters. Ask about the things they confided to you. How did her business presentation go? How is his ailing father? It's often helpful to make little notes to remind you to ask about something or someone next time you meet. This simple skill shows people that they are important to you.
Appreciate the small things that people do for you and never pass up an opportunity to say thank you. Find simple and small ways to show appreciation and caring to those you love.
When you make the people around you feel important, you create a climate of trust and mutual appreciation, which can change your life in ways large and small. Try it today.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Mary certainly knew what she was talking about. That little secret to working well with people helped her grow Mary Kay Cosmetics into the largest direct seller of skin care and color cosmetics in the United States. Mary understood that in any relationship, whether it's a spouse, child, client, colleague or casual acquaintance, the best way to make a lasting impression is to take the time to make others feel genuinely valued.
Here are some ways you can make others feel more important.
Greet everyone you meet with enthusiasm. Have you ever called someone on the telephone - or met them somewhere -- and they greeted you with such energy and enthusiasm that you felt they must truly adore you? A greeting of ardent and genuine enthusiasm sets the tone for your entire encounter. It's such a simple skill (the hardest part is remembering to do it) but if you CAN remember, it will enliven all of your relationships. This skill can be particularly life-changing when practiced with your children. A simple show of enthusiasm and appreciation when a child walks in the room can have a miraculous effect on the relationship.
Slow down. Take the time in conversation to really listen. While someone is talking, focus on talking in what he or she saying in words, tone and body language instead of thinking about what you are going to say next. Relax and listen before responding. As you practice this form of deep listening, work on identifying the other person's needs. Put your own needs aside during the conversation and focus on determining what they need today. Savour the connection you can make with another person, even in a casual conversation.
Work on remembering the details of past conversations and encounters. Ask about the things they confided to you. How did her business presentation go? How is his ailing father? It's often helpful to make little notes to remind you to ask about something or someone next time you meet. This simple skill shows people that they are important to you.
Appreciate the small things that people do for you and never pass up an opportunity to say thank you. Find simple and small ways to show appreciation and caring to those you love.
When you make the people around you feel important, you create a climate of trust and mutual appreciation, which can change your life in ways large and small. Try it today.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Vibrating With the Right Frequency
A man is known by the company he keeps. We have heard that phrase so many times. Our folks have cautioned us often with that in our childhood. Do we need to heed that advice in our business? Where do you hang out? Who do you hang out with? What is your business surrounded by?
Christian Huygens ("hye gurns") was a scientific genius of the early 17th century. He discovered a law of resonance, which was well accepted in physics later and is now being applied to brain science.
The story goes that Huygens kept a few pendulum clocks on the wall of his room. Each clock swung independently. He discovered that after a few cycles of independent swinging, all the clocks started swinging precisely in a synchronized rhythm.
He deduced that waves from clocks produced vibrations in the wall which in response produced waves that synchronized the rhythm of all the clocks.
Scientists are now studying if this same phenomenon occurs in human brain waves.
Have you ever noticed that successful people are surrounded by similarly successful ones? Is it mere coincidence that when like-minded people are at work, success is more likely?
In applying this theory to your life, you can attract success by surrounding yourself with tpoeple who are successful or have faith that great things are possible. Similarly, avoid the naysayers and complainers. They give out negative vibrations that could impact your own thoughts and behaviour.
Your mind reacts to them like walls did to the clocks and produces similar waves. Before you realize it, you would already have lost faith in your dream.
Your mind is the powerhouse of ideas which will make your business a success. Your mind is the source of your strenth that enables you to carry the burden in difficult times. Feed your mind the good food. Avoid stuffing it with junk food.
So reset your clocks. It's time to vibrate with the right frequency.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Christian Huygens ("hye gurns") was a scientific genius of the early 17th century. He discovered a law of resonance, which was well accepted in physics later and is now being applied to brain science.
The story goes that Huygens kept a few pendulum clocks on the wall of his room. Each clock swung independently. He discovered that after a few cycles of independent swinging, all the clocks started swinging precisely in a synchronized rhythm.
He deduced that waves from clocks produced vibrations in the wall which in response produced waves that synchronized the rhythm of all the clocks.
Scientists are now studying if this same phenomenon occurs in human brain waves.
Have you ever noticed that successful people are surrounded by similarly successful ones? Is it mere coincidence that when like-minded people are at work, success is more likely?
In applying this theory to your life, you can attract success by surrounding yourself with tpoeple who are successful or have faith that great things are possible. Similarly, avoid the naysayers and complainers. They give out negative vibrations that could impact your own thoughts and behaviour.
Your mind reacts to them like walls did to the clocks and produces similar waves. Before you realize it, you would already have lost faith in your dream.
Your mind is the powerhouse of ideas which will make your business a success. Your mind is the source of your strenth that enables you to carry the burden in difficult times. Feed your mind the good food. Avoid stuffing it with junk food.
So reset your clocks. It's time to vibrate with the right frequency.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Respect
At the heart of every successful relationship, whether it's business or personal, lies respect. If you're in a relationship in which you either don't respect the other person or aren't respected by the other person, you'll want to seriously consider leaving it. Because the more you think about it, the more you'll realize that without respect, all those other important ingredients of a good relationship such as love and trust can't flourish at all.
When you truly respect someone, you don't lie to them, cheat on them, demean them, steal from them, speak badly about them, try to control them, invade their privacy, ignore what's important to them, or want anything less for them than their most glorious dreams.
If you happen to be in an intimate relationship in which you're being chronically disrespected, don't fall in to the trap of believing that if you hang around long enough, putting up with your partner, it will somehow prove to him or her how much you care; and then someday (ah that elusive "someday"), when you partner finally realizes the depth of your love, you'll earn the respect you've been longing for. Sadly, that hardly ever happens, because you can never earn respect by tolerating disrespect.
Other people's ideals, beliefs or ways of living can be different from yours, so just because they didn't live up to your expectations doesn't mean they're disrespectful. Also, people can behave negatively because of their own insecurities, health factors, chemical imbalance, fear, greed, anger and so on.
It's not always about you - so don't take it personally. Nevertheless you still have to decide if that's healthy situation to allow yourself to be a part of. Will "sticking around" serve your better purpose? You are ultimately the decision-maker whether you want to "stick-around" to be either intentionally or unintentionally disrespected. Another person's behavior to disrespect you is truly your own dilemma if you choose to remain and accept.
The fundamental ingredients of respect and trust are the foundation of all successful relationships. Difficult as it is, there's one thing you can do to earn respect from a person who's in the habit of disrespecting you. You have to distance yourself from them, not just emotionally or mentally, but physically. Don't threaten to leave unless you mean it, and when you mean it, do it. If you can't do it for yourself and your precious spirit that deserves respect, do it for the other person, and the lesson they need to learn that for every act of disrespect, there really is a price to pay.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
When you truly respect someone, you don't lie to them, cheat on them, demean them, steal from them, speak badly about them, try to control them, invade their privacy, ignore what's important to them, or want anything less for them than their most glorious dreams.
If you happen to be in an intimate relationship in which you're being chronically disrespected, don't fall in to the trap of believing that if you hang around long enough, putting up with your partner, it will somehow prove to him or her how much you care; and then someday (ah that elusive "someday"), when you partner finally realizes the depth of your love, you'll earn the respect you've been longing for. Sadly, that hardly ever happens, because you can never earn respect by tolerating disrespect.
Other people's ideals, beliefs or ways of living can be different from yours, so just because they didn't live up to your expectations doesn't mean they're disrespectful. Also, people can behave negatively because of their own insecurities, health factors, chemical imbalance, fear, greed, anger and so on.
It's not always about you - so don't take it personally. Nevertheless you still have to decide if that's healthy situation to allow yourself to be a part of. Will "sticking around" serve your better purpose? You are ultimately the decision-maker whether you want to "stick-around" to be either intentionally or unintentionally disrespected. Another person's behavior to disrespect you is truly your own dilemma if you choose to remain and accept.
The fundamental ingredients of respect and trust are the foundation of all successful relationships. Difficult as it is, there's one thing you can do to earn respect from a person who's in the habit of disrespecting you. You have to distance yourself from them, not just emotionally or mentally, but physically. Don't threaten to leave unless you mean it, and when you mean it, do it. If you can't do it for yourself and your precious spirit that deserves respect, do it for the other person, and the lesson they need to learn that for every act of disrespect, there really is a price to pay.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Staying True to Yourself
For some of us, being true and staying true to oneself can be a struggle. Maybe we were brought up to deny our authentic selves in favour of some popular ideal. Perhaps we were taught to respect other people's wishes more than our own. Maybe we're surrounded by friends and family who seem to have an opinion on everything we do, and it's driving us crazy.
Growing into our true selves can take a lot of time and practice, especially if we've been suppressing it for most of our youth. Not to mention courage, since for some of us, our authentic selves may not be the accepted norm in our society. So how can you honour your own voice amidst the din of bigots and naysayers?
Well, first and most critically, value your self and your choices. This mind and body is yours and yours only. People may say or do things "for your own good", but ultimately, you're the one who's going to suffer the consequences or enjoy the happiness. Not them. So respect your own wishes. Don't waste time pondering right or wrong. There's only what feels right to you "at the time". When you honour your own choices, others will too.
Next, understand that opinions are more about the person giving them than they are about you. The remarks are being filtered through that particular individual's history, experience, conditioning, childhood, education, whatever. It's definitely biased, no matter how they try to appear impartial. Also, when people discourage or disapprove, they're probably coming from a place of insecurity, fear, doubt or envy. Something about you scares them, so they feel a need to strike it down. So remember, when someone gives you destructive criticism, ignore them. It's about them, not you.
People can also go too far sometimes, so remember to set boundaries for the particularly obnoxious ones. Decide which aspects of your life are off-limits and get them to respect those boundaries.
Remember, no one can stand up for yourself except yourself. Loved ones can defend you occasionally but they can't be around all the time. Be sure that when you need help the most, you are there for yourself. Trust yourself and stand up for what you believe in.
Other people can teach you many life lessons, and certainly you should listen if they have something valuable to say, but learn to tune out the naysayers who themselves are fearful for their own selfish reasons.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Honouring Each Day
Just how precious are your days?
Well, to answer that question, just look at how you're spending them.
Going by the way some of us live our lives, we don't really think our days are all that important. We rush blindly through them, not truly savouring the experience, fall into bed exhausted, then wake up the following morning only to do it all over again. We make mechanical and dutiful contact with our loved ones, saturate our bodies with caffeine, junk food and alcohol, and generally make chains of meaningless moments.
Meaningful moments, when we do try, are few and far between. We blame it on our hectic work schedules of course, or tenaciously hold on to the notion that there will always be time for our loved ones. Too many people are caught in the trap of "busyness" - that never-ending need to work, to play, to do everything else except the things that truly make life wonderful and meaningful.
When was the last time you truly honoured the day? I mean really accorded it the respect and significance it deserves? Because the future is an illusion - we all think we have more time, but that simply isn't true at all. Our lives could end at any time. The only time we really have is the present - it's where we are now. If we can't be happy with who we are, what we have and where we are now, then we're just wasting our time. We might as well be sleepwalking through our days.
Too many of us are waking up in cold sweat thinking "Where has all the time gone? What have I been doing with my life? Why am I not spending more time showing my wife how much I care about her? Why am I not showing my loved ones more love? How much time do I really have left?"
We're not waking up thinking about our jobs, our bosses, getting a fancy haircut, buying a new car, a new bag, a new anything; these things just don't fulfill us, really!
What we really need is connection. We need to connect more with other human beings. We need to connect more with nature. We need to connect more with who we are inside and make that who we are outside as well. We need to honour all that the day gives us - the sun, the wind, the hot breakfast, the taxi ride, the smiles, the friendly invitations, our partner's touch, a joke, a laugh, a kiss.
Honouring the day means choosing to make each moment count.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Letting Go of the Need to Be Right
All of us love being right. We all want to appear clever and witty. In trying to be right though, we often make the false assumption that we have to make the other person wrong. This need to be right all the time can also compel us to be bossy and unpleasant and narrow-minded.
But nobody likes a Know-It-All. Besides, this need to be right all the time can become an addiction - it can make us focus on the wrong things, fuss about the details without seeing the bigger picture. It can also be a huge strain on our ego when we feel we have lost an argument or challenge. Some people spend all their time just clamouring to win in every discussion.
This need to be right stems from insecurity, a lack of self-esteem and empowerment. After all, isn't the need to be right simply the fear of being wrong? And with this fear running your life, how can you be comfortable with yourself? Or be at ease with other people? Fear almost always causes us to be suspicious and bigoted. And of course, if you're always trying to be right, you're not learning from others, and are consistently repeating your mistakes.
Life is about being yourself, accepting your flaws, learning from your mistakes, and improving on your strengths. Give yourself the freedom to be wrong! In fact, it's good to be wrong sometimes because that means you've learnt something new. You're always becoming a better person. Of course, I'm using the term "wrong" loosely here; after all, it's always just a point of view.
So if you always feel that nagging voice in your head going "Go on! Assert your authority! You have to be right! Otherwise you'll lose face!", try letting go. Give yourself permission to be wrong sometimes; express yourself more honestly and openly. You'll find that very often, people do want compromise, and there is a way to contribute to the discussion without having all your opinions validated.
Let go of the need to be right, and just listen. Really open up and analyse what's being said or unsaid. People can teach you a lot and tell you about themselves and life if you only allow them to. We're all looking for happiness and knowledge; allow yourself to learn. Ask more questions. Allow people to share their wisdom and know-how.
You'll heave a big sigh of relief that you can finally loosen that noose, I mean, tie, and allow yourself to be just human.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Making Great First Impressions
You've heard it so many times - first impressions last. It's been drummed into us since childhood, but how exactly do we make a good impression? Is it all in the look? What we say? How we say it? Well, all of it, actually. Given that we only have from 7 to 17 seconds of interacting with strangers before they form an opinion of us, it becomes crucial to refine our strategies until they almost become a science. I'm going to leave out appearance though because that's the oldest tip in the book; you know the importance of grooming and attire.
Now, the first thing to remember about making great first impressions is - make the other person the star. Show that the other person (not you) is the centre of the conversation. It's only natural - we all like to talk about ourselves, but give in to that temptation when meeting a stranger and you're unlikely to earn that person's liking and respect. As they say, the most boring thing in the world is me going on and on about myself. However, if you can focus on the other person, your new acquaintance will be eager to see you again.
Next, be a good listener. Not just that, actually demonstrate that you are listening intently and effectively - give affirmative verbal and non-verbal cues like nodding, smiling, maintaining eye contact and saying things like "Great!", That's fascinating!", "Tell me more" and "What did you do next?". All this positive affirmation keeps the conversation going.
Also, use the name of your new acquaintance frequently. For example, "Joe, I really admire your energy to do so many things!" or "That must've been a thrilling experience, Vivienne!" This shows that you have centred the encounter on the other person from the start, catching his or her name during the introduction and more importantly, remembering it. Using the other person's name several times also makes the conversation more intimate and personal.
Now when it comes to humour in initial encounters, the golden rule is: when in doubt, don't use it. No humour is better than having a joke or comment backfire. Funny to you may be sarcastic or insensitive to others.
Next, give up the need to be right. A good argument might be appreciated by close friends but chances are confrontations with someone new will destroy rapport. So as a general rule, don't challenge the other person's statements, or not in an overtly adversarial way.
Finally, remember these three Cs - be Clear, Confident and Convincing.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Appreciating Difficult People
There are plenty of self-help books and programmes teaching us how to deal with "difficult" people. Most of them explain why these people appear to make things hard for you and suggest ways of making these people more pliable. However, have you ever thought about how these ostensible "saboteurs" could actually benefit you?
Well, most of don't think about how we can appreciate difficult people. By painting them as the enemy, we are wasting time and energy thinking of ways to change them or get rid of them. But if we can adjust our perspective and think about how these people can be good for us, we can work synergistically to produce amazing results.
It's tempting to write off "difficult" people as "jerks" but they can be great teachers and reminders for us. They often teach us important lessons about life and about ourselves. They also remind us to be more patient and accepting, and they force us to live true to the principles many of us say are most important - kindness, love, acceptance, forgiveness, respect, and others.
When we take the time to appreciate the "difficult" people around us, some amazing things happen. First of all, we find that there are actually many things we do appreciate about them. (Remember, we always find what we look for). Second, we allow ourselves to be open to the lessons these people have to teach us. Third, we let go of the unnecessary stress and frustration that comes along with constantly being irritated by another person. When we are willing to look for good stuff, even in these "difficult" people, we tap into the amazing power of appreciation. Appreciation allows us to greatly increase our own personal success and fulfillment, and it dramatically improves the environment around us as well.
Think of the three most "difficult" people in your life. Write their names down on a piece of paper. Next to each name, write at least three things you appreciate about them. For some, it may take a while, for others it will be much easier. You may find that once you start, there are lots of things you appreciate about them.
Next time you think about, talk about and/or interact with these people, see if you can put more of your attention on the things you appreciate about them (what you wrote on your list and more), and less attention on the things that you don't like.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
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