Most people look outside of themselves for the source of their unhappiness. When something goes wrong, they always look for someone or something to blame - "it's my hectic work schedule, it's my boss, it's the government, it's my parents, it's the kids, it's my spouse. If only she'd do things my way! I know this is best for her? why won't she just change?
We'd be so much happier if she'd just change!" It's precisely this kind of thinking that is making us unhappy. We are, in effect, the cause of own misery!
Now it's very easy to trace our unhappiness to important people in our lives not cooperating with us. I mean, if your son insists on doing something you feel is foolhardy or dangerous, it certainly seems that he's to blame for your sleepless nights. Or if your husband never seems to want to spend romantic times with you anymore. Can he really blame you then for being cold and surly? What if your co-worker is fond of disparaging your work? Surely he's the one to blame for your frustration at the office! Or that Pyongyang refuses to dismantle its nuclear arms programme. Oh, the woe of America and indeed the world!
Yes it seems perfectly logical that we're unhappy because of all these wilful people. But we have a much bigger part to play in our frustrations than we'd care to believe. Nobody likes to be told what to do. When you're trying to get others to do or see things your way, the behaviours you display are probably not very good-natured. You could be using any of these methods - punishing, guilting, nagging, threatening, bribing, criticizing, "the silent treatment" or "cold war", etc. You probably come off as a bigot, always thinking that your way is the right way or best way. Your intentions may be perfectly good of course (don't we all think that?), but your methods may be turning people off. This in turn could be encouraging them to be even more obstinate. That's also how, ironically, you may be causing your own unhappiness.
Too many political stalemates are the result of refusal to understand and accept the other party's situation or differences. What about threats, sabre-rattling or reprisal attacks? Don't they always make matters worse?
Realistically, the only person you can change is yourself. Look within yourself for your shortcomings and work to fix them. If you're hoping that others might also change for the better, you can only lead by example or open the channels of communication and genuinely seek to understand. reasons.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
