In life, there will be great misfortunes that require immense effort to deal with. And we sometimes suffer grave injuries that take a long time to heal.
For some of us though, the grievances that exhaust our energy, spirit and time are trivial ones - petty hurts that are really any bites on the soul, yet can cause a lot of physical harm and mental anguish.
Perhaps we find a co-worker irritating. We expect something of our partner and he or she does not deliver. Someone we help turns out to be unappreciative, some insult about our appearance or intelligence is passed, or some reward we think we deserve is denied us.
Our mental tranquility is upset, our work gets affected, we lose appetite and sleep, we sulk and become listless. And because these little hurts are common, they quickly accumulate in our minds, and grow huge and irrepressible from constant brooding.
As a result, we lost many precious hours pondering and fretting over things that have no real bearing on the quality of our lives - things, that in a month, a day or even a second, may matter little, if at all.
Besides, if we take the time to contemplate these perceived trespasses, we will come to realise that most of them only happen in our minds.
Think about the last event, situation or person that upset you. How much of that stress was really just taking place inside your head? How much of it was over-embellishment and loss of focus due to hours of excessive analysis?
Instead of indulging a mind on overdrive, force yourself to distil what's truly stressing you and write it down. What is the thing that upsetting you?
Once you have that written down... ask yourself... is it true? For example, if what your partner said this morning made you question his or her love for you, think about it rationally. Is it really true? Do you absolutely know it's true? How did imagining this "truth" make you feel? How would you be feeling if you didn't indulge this negative thought?
Would you be happier, more loving, more forgiving, more capable of appreciating the good?
I wouldn't go to say that all our grievances happen only in our minds. But most of them do. The next time you find yourself getting upset with something or someone, do yourself a favour. See the truth... don't over-think it.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Letting Go
One of the most important and difficult skills to learn in life is letting go.
Letting go of things, of people, of environments... accepting that change is inevitable, and that very often, some things have to go to make ways for other things.
We are creatures of habit, and nothing suits us more than staying in our routines and comfort zones. But resisting change is one of the most frustrating and futile things we can do. And a lot of our unhappiness stems from not being able to let go of things that have run their natural course.
Our fascination with prolonging life, for example... as if we're really making the most of this extra time. Or fiercely holding on to archaic beliefs simply because everyone else seems to believe in them. Pining for someone who no longer cares for us. Blindly asserting that we should follow certain rules, knowing full well that these rules are made by Man, and Man is imperfect, which logically follows that rules are imperfect.
I'm not saying that you wilfully break the rules. I'm simply suggesting that we don't allow them to constrict us. Sometimes rules can prevent us from seeing the bigger picture.
The "rule" for example, that it's bad for us to be wrong. This belief causes us to seek to win every time. As a result, we learn to be in attack mode, often unleashing our power on the weak and helpless, pulverising our opponents, raising their bloody scalps as symbols of our superiority. But this kind of victor only alienates us from friends and loved ones, breeds enemies, and fills our life with suspicion and hatred.
To what end, to be right all the time? What does it really mean to win?
We should all accept that we can all be wrong sometimes, and that really isn't such a big deal. Too much time on that high horse is obviously choking some chakras.
We'd all be doing ourselves a huge favour to get over our egos. Our ego resists change, it resists the flow and cycle of life. It keeps us obsessed with judging and correcting others, while remaining blind to our own shortcomings. It keeps us stuck in a reality constructed only by our limited senses. It continues to fool us that the past matters a lot, that it affects our future. When in truth, nothing affects your future except YOU, right now.
If we can let go of our ego... only then can we learn to appreciate life for that it truly is. To appreciate the journey instead of focusing on the destination. To feel the passion instead of fixating on the "purpose". To embrace change, to allow the flow of life to enrich and fill us. To be as sinuous as the river that runs unreservedly, unyielding-ly into the sea.
Letting go of things, of people, of environments... accepting that change is inevitable, and that very often, some things have to go to make ways for other things.
We are creatures of habit, and nothing suits us more than staying in our routines and comfort zones. But resisting change is one of the most frustrating and futile things we can do. And a lot of our unhappiness stems from not being able to let go of things that have run their natural course.
Our fascination with prolonging life, for example... as if we're really making the most of this extra time. Or fiercely holding on to archaic beliefs simply because everyone else seems to believe in them. Pining for someone who no longer cares for us. Blindly asserting that we should follow certain rules, knowing full well that these rules are made by Man, and Man is imperfect, which logically follows that rules are imperfect.
I'm not saying that you wilfully break the rules. I'm simply suggesting that we don't allow them to constrict us. Sometimes rules can prevent us from seeing the bigger picture.
The "rule" for example, that it's bad for us to be wrong. This belief causes us to seek to win every time. As a result, we learn to be in attack mode, often unleashing our power on the weak and helpless, pulverising our opponents, raising their bloody scalps as symbols of our superiority. But this kind of victor only alienates us from friends and loved ones, breeds enemies, and fills our life with suspicion and hatred.
To what end, to be right all the time? What does it really mean to win?
We should all accept that we can all be wrong sometimes, and that really isn't such a big deal. Too much time on that high horse is obviously choking some chakras.
We'd all be doing ourselves a huge favour to get over our egos. Our ego resists change, it resists the flow and cycle of life. It keeps us obsessed with judging and correcting others, while remaining blind to our own shortcomings. It keeps us stuck in a reality constructed only by our limited senses. It continues to fool us that the past matters a lot, that it affects our future. When in truth, nothing affects your future except YOU, right now.
If we can let go of our ego... only then can we learn to appreciate life for that it truly is. To appreciate the journey instead of focusing on the destination. To feel the passion instead of fixating on the "purpose". To embrace change, to allow the flow of life to enrich and fill us. To be as sinuous as the river that runs unreservedly, unyielding-ly into the sea.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Importance of Self-Worth
One of the best things you can do for yourself is love yourself.
A worn-out platitude that can sound tacky, I know, but make no mistake, a healthy sense of self-worth is the most important thing you can possess.
If your self-esteem is low, you are likely to be unhappy with your looks, your physique, your talents and so on. Because of this discontentment with yourself, it's easy to be jealous of others, and in a vicious cycle, this jealousy leads to even more unhappiness.
If you are unsure of yourself, you are also more likely to keep to yourself, avoid people, and be fearful of social interaction. You have very little confidence in your talents and skills. You are unlikely to promote yourself, believing that your present lot is the best that you can do. This impedes growth and success, and the failure to fulfill your dreams and goals leads to regret and more dissatisfaction.
In relationship, a weak sense of self-esteem can make you feel insecure. You are probably constantly worrying about your partner's feelings and motivations. Needless to say, that puts a huge wedge between you and your partner.
So if you are sick of feeling bad about yourself, how can you boost your self-esteem?
One of the easiest and quickest ways is to be extra good to your body. Get into a regular healthy sleep schedule, commit to a fitness routine, and tone up your body. Choose healthy, nourishing foods, find more ways to relax and spend more time with the people you love. You will feel and look better and have more energy to pursue your goals.
Also, stop blaming and judging yourself. Everybody makes mistakes... the difference is that other people learn to pick themselves up quickly and move on, while others stay haunted by them. So forgive yourself for mistakes. Find the lessons and learn from them.
Many of us are held back by our fears. Fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of unwanted results if we took a risk. But most of these fears are not real. so identify your fears.... what's really behind them? Many of them are likely to be groundless or have no wider impact. Recognise that your fears are due to your lack of belief in yourself than any other real circumstances.
So give yourself the greatest gift of all - a firm and health sense of self-esteem.
A worn-out platitude that can sound tacky, I know, but make no mistake, a healthy sense of self-worth is the most important thing you can possess.
If your self-esteem is low, you are likely to be unhappy with your looks, your physique, your talents and so on. Because of this discontentment with yourself, it's easy to be jealous of others, and in a vicious cycle, this jealousy leads to even more unhappiness.
If you are unsure of yourself, you are also more likely to keep to yourself, avoid people, and be fearful of social interaction. You have very little confidence in your talents and skills. You are unlikely to promote yourself, believing that your present lot is the best that you can do. This impedes growth and success, and the failure to fulfill your dreams and goals leads to regret and more dissatisfaction.
In relationship, a weak sense of self-esteem can make you feel insecure. You are probably constantly worrying about your partner's feelings and motivations. Needless to say, that puts a huge wedge between you and your partner.
So if you are sick of feeling bad about yourself, how can you boost your self-esteem?
One of the easiest and quickest ways is to be extra good to your body. Get into a regular healthy sleep schedule, commit to a fitness routine, and tone up your body. Choose healthy, nourishing foods, find more ways to relax and spend more time with the people you love. You will feel and look better and have more energy to pursue your goals.
Also, stop blaming and judging yourself. Everybody makes mistakes... the difference is that other people learn to pick themselves up quickly and move on, while others stay haunted by them. So forgive yourself for mistakes. Find the lessons and learn from them.
Many of us are held back by our fears. Fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of unwanted results if we took a risk. But most of these fears are not real. so identify your fears.... what's really behind them? Many of them are likely to be groundless or have no wider impact. Recognise that your fears are due to your lack of belief in yourself than any other real circumstances.
So give yourself the greatest gift of all - a firm and health sense of self-esteem.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Moving On From a Painful Past
Pain, like death and taxes (as they say), is one of those things we cannot avoid in life. Some of us had a tough time growing up, were abused perhaps, or did not fully receive parental love. Others had their feelings taken advantage of, or had their mental tranquility of self-esteem damaged in some way. And there are those among us who have been consistently bullied or repressed.
It is not so easy to just "let go of the past and move on", is it?
Well, the past happened for a reason. Moving forward does not mean simply forgetting about or ignoring the past. Everything that happens to us, especially the harder times, can make us stronger and better. Or make us doubtful and afraid. We all have that choice. The person you are today is the result of your past experiences, and in those experiences, no matter how horrible, lies the key to you becoming a better person.
Probably the difficult thing to do after being hurt or disappointed is to forgive. I have known people who had abusive parents, been sexually molested as teenagers, been seduced into crime and prison, or have had their hearts broken several times. And these are all relatively mild compared to people whose loved ones were murdered, or who were physically disabled because of a drink driver.
How do they forgive? Truthfully, most of them don't. Most of them carry the hurt with them throughout their lives. And it eats into their peace of mind, poisons them against other people, and ultimately clouds their future with doubt and fear, dark feelings and thoughts.
If you cannot forgive your aggressor, you are always going to feel as if your life has been irreparably damaged because of him. Forgiving someone is as much about accepting their human frailty as it is stating your freedom from their tyranny. You are saying that you will not let what they have done dictate how you're going to live your life.
So, forgive everyone you feel had anything to do with your painful past. Seek out the gifts in your pain. That's the key. Once you learn to identify the gifts that have made you a better person, you will no longer have to be angry with anyone, not even yourself. Whatever you did, whatever they did, all presented you with the gifts you possess today.
Remember, the past does not define us. Each new day, each new moment even, you have the power to re-invent yourself.
It is not so easy to just "let go of the past and move on", is it?
Well, the past happened for a reason. Moving forward does not mean simply forgetting about or ignoring the past. Everything that happens to us, especially the harder times, can make us stronger and better. Or make us doubtful and afraid. We all have that choice. The person you are today is the result of your past experiences, and in those experiences, no matter how horrible, lies the key to you becoming a better person.
Probably the difficult thing to do after being hurt or disappointed is to forgive. I have known people who had abusive parents, been sexually molested as teenagers, been seduced into crime and prison, or have had their hearts broken several times. And these are all relatively mild compared to people whose loved ones were murdered, or who were physically disabled because of a drink driver.
How do they forgive? Truthfully, most of them don't. Most of them carry the hurt with them throughout their lives. And it eats into their peace of mind, poisons them against other people, and ultimately clouds their future with doubt and fear, dark feelings and thoughts.
If you cannot forgive your aggressor, you are always going to feel as if your life has been irreparably damaged because of him. Forgiving someone is as much about accepting their human frailty as it is stating your freedom from their tyranny. You are saying that you will not let what they have done dictate how you're going to live your life.
So, forgive everyone you feel had anything to do with your painful past. Seek out the gifts in your pain. That's the key. Once you learn to identify the gifts that have made you a better person, you will no longer have to be angry with anyone, not even yourself. Whatever you did, whatever they did, all presented you with the gifts you possess today.
Remember, the past does not define us. Each new day, each new moment even, you have the power to re-invent yourself.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Forgiveness for Your Own good
You are always being told "Forget what happened. Put it behind you and move on."
It is not that easy, is it?
Forgiving someone who has done you an injustice is difficult, it even feels illogical, because we feel that we are letting the wrongdoer off the hook. But forgiving does not equate letting someone off the hook. Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning bad behaviour. Forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about you.
You forgive people not for their sake, but fo your own sake. You forgive because that's the one way you can set yourself free. When you forgive, you are letting go of anger, of hurt, helplessness or shame. Like love, when forgiveness is given unconditionally, it is incredibly empowering for the giver. When you set conditions on forgivness, you give power to your tormentors. You make it easier for them to hurt you again.
Stress is often caused by regrets and resentments we have been holding on to for years. The grudges rob us of peace of mind and hamper our growth.
Peace of mind is required for healing to take place. Forgiveness can bring that peace of mind. That said though, nobody should demand or expect forgiveness from you. It is nobody's birth-right to be forgiven. It is up to you when you are ready and when you want to forgive them. You have to work through your anger and sense of loss before you will be able to do that. Others can ask you for forgiveness but not expect it. To expect forgiveness builds up even more resentment.
But we all should practice forgiveness regularly to unclutter our mind. When we forgive, we remove what's blocking our energy and happiness. We open doors to fresh air and light.
It is not that easy, is it?
Forgiving someone who has done you an injustice is difficult, it even feels illogical, because we feel that we are letting the wrongdoer off the hook. But forgiving does not equate letting someone off the hook. Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning bad behaviour. Forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about you.
You forgive people not for their sake, but fo your own sake. You forgive because that's the one way you can set yourself free. When you forgive, you are letting go of anger, of hurt, helplessness or shame. Like love, when forgiveness is given unconditionally, it is incredibly empowering for the giver. When you set conditions on forgivness, you give power to your tormentors. You make it easier for them to hurt you again.
Stress is often caused by regrets and resentments we have been holding on to for years. The grudges rob us of peace of mind and hamper our growth.
Peace of mind is required for healing to take place. Forgiveness can bring that peace of mind. That said though, nobody should demand or expect forgiveness from you. It is nobody's birth-right to be forgiven. It is up to you when you are ready and when you want to forgive them. You have to work through your anger and sense of loss before you will be able to do that. Others can ask you for forgiveness but not expect it. To expect forgiveness builds up even more resentment.
But we all should practice forgiveness regularly to unclutter our mind. When we forgive, we remove what's blocking our energy and happiness. We open doors to fresh air and light.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Stop the Bickering
Are you always bickering with your partner? Does every little thing seem to become an issue between you two? You know you truly love and care for each other, but somehow the bickering doesn't seem to stop. It's even gotten to the point where the relationship is no longer enjoyable, when it should be between two people who are in love.
So what's wrong here?
Examine the dynamics of your quarrels. Are they often triggered by seemingly trivial complains about time management, child-rearing, money or household chores? Do they turn into back-and-forth arguments where each party would argue, explain and defend? Neither of you seems to be listening to the other. It's like you're both locked in battle positions, unable to move until one party falls. Either that or you both get so exhausted that the argument dies a natural death... not resolved, unfortunately, just beaten into silence.
In this situation, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right, to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as your intensions are to control and not be controlled, you are stuck.
Later, when things quieten and you've both had time to do some soul-searching, you realize that this happens despite the fact that you love each other. But as soon as an issue come up, you stop caring about yourselves and each other. You become so intent on winning or not losing that caring goes out the window.
Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other - it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.
The next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, "Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a away for both of you to win.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
So what's wrong here?
Examine the dynamics of your quarrels. Are they often triggered by seemingly trivial complains about time management, child-rearing, money or household chores? Do they turn into back-and-forth arguments where each party would argue, explain and defend? Neither of you seems to be listening to the other. It's like you're both locked in battle positions, unable to move until one party falls. Either that or you both get so exhausted that the argument dies a natural death... not resolved, unfortunately, just beaten into silence.
In this situation, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right, to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as your intensions are to control and not be controlled, you are stuck.
Later, when things quieten and you've both had time to do some soul-searching, you realize that this happens despite the fact that you love each other. But as soon as an issue come up, you stop caring about yourselves and each other. You become so intent on winning or not losing that caring goes out the window.
Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other - it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.
The next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, "Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a away for both of you to win.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Recovering from a Disastrous First Date
First dates. Most of us have experienced our fair share of less than favourable ones. In fact, some of them might even be described as "disastrous". Meeting a romantic prospect for the first time is a tricky endeavour, and if it doesn't go well, the effects could stay with you a long, long time. For some, the memory of disastrous first dates is enough to make them a nervous wreck on subsequent dates.
so what can you do to receover from a disastrous first date?
First and most crucial, forgive yourself. Most of us, when under stress, do things we wouldn't normally do. If you thought you talked too much, or not enough, if you laughed too much, overreacted to some statement, or done some incredibly unattractive thing, don't be too hard on yourself. We're often harder on ourselves than we would be on another person.
So show some compassion toward yourself. It's natural to feel nervous on a first date. And nobody gets everything right, not even people who are attractive, intelligent and confident. The only reason why these people seem to fare better than others is that they forgive themselves more readily, and get over awkward situations more easily.
Once you've learnt to forgive yourself for not performing as well as you would've liked on a first date, you can go on to forgive the other person. Yes, we may like to believe that we don't pre-judge or judge people superficially, but on some subconscious level, we all do. And that can very often spoil an otherwise great date. So do not expect the other person to live up to all your expectations. By taking for granted that first dates usually don't go well, you take a big step forward in emotional maturity. Unless the other person was abusive or rude, they deserve a second chance.
Now, if you did something awkward or that warrants an apology, follow up with a gift or flowers and a simple note of apology or explanation. Don't wirte off your chances simply because you think you did something out of line. Most people are more forgiving than you think, and besides, your willingness to try again might impress the other party.
And don't let experience affect your self-confidence. You have many good qualities, and just because this person didn't recognize them, that doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there who can. The most important thing is to be honest, be your authentic self. You deserve someone who will appreciate for who you really are.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
so what can you do to receover from a disastrous first date?
First and most crucial, forgive yourself. Most of us, when under stress, do things we wouldn't normally do. If you thought you talked too much, or not enough, if you laughed too much, overreacted to some statement, or done some incredibly unattractive thing, don't be too hard on yourself. We're often harder on ourselves than we would be on another person.
So show some compassion toward yourself. It's natural to feel nervous on a first date. And nobody gets everything right, not even people who are attractive, intelligent and confident. The only reason why these people seem to fare better than others is that they forgive themselves more readily, and get over awkward situations more easily.
Once you've learnt to forgive yourself for not performing as well as you would've liked on a first date, you can go on to forgive the other person. Yes, we may like to believe that we don't pre-judge or judge people superficially, but on some subconscious level, we all do. And that can very often spoil an otherwise great date. So do not expect the other person to live up to all your expectations. By taking for granted that first dates usually don't go well, you take a big step forward in emotional maturity. Unless the other person was abusive or rude, they deserve a second chance.
Now, if you did something awkward or that warrants an apology, follow up with a gift or flowers and a simple note of apology or explanation. Don't wirte off your chances simply because you think you did something out of line. Most people are more forgiving than you think, and besides, your willingness to try again might impress the other party.
And don't let experience affect your self-confidence. You have many good qualities, and just because this person didn't recognize them, that doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there who can. The most important thing is to be honest, be your authentic self. You deserve someone who will appreciate for who you really are.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Your Recovery Rate
What is your recovery rate? How long does it take you to recover from actions and behaviours that upsets you? Minutes? Hours? Days? Weeks? Even years? The longer it takes you to recover, the more influence that incident has on your actions, and the less able you are to perform to your personal best.
Just ask yourself.
"How many times have I become upset with my spouse for something the children did hours ago?"
"How many times have I missed an opportunity because I was still focused on an upset and all I could say was 'no' to everything?"
"How many times have I driven my car erratically because I was still thinking of an incident that made me angry?"
The faster you let go of an issue that upsets you, the faster you return to an equilibrium, and the healthier you will be. the best example of this behaviour is found with professional sportspeople. They know that the faster they can forget an incident or missed opportunity and get on with the game, the better their performance.
Here's a method you can try to reduce your recovery time.
Imagine yourself to be an actor in a play on the stage. You aim is to play your part to the best of your ability. You have been given a script and at the end of each sentence is a full stop. Each time you get to the end of the sentence you start a new on and although the next sentence is related to the last, it is not affected by it. Your job is to deliver each sentence to the best of your ability.
Now think about your life. Imagine that life is no more than a play, and we each have a role. Your job is to play your part to the best of your ability. Each incident you face is a new sentence. Just put a full stop behind it and start again. Accept that every time you meet someone or have a conversation with a a person on telephone or even send an email it is a new incident.
You have both moved on since you last met, so remembering the last occasion only keep you in the past and stops you moving forward. Stops you seeing new opportunities. The next time you see the person that upset you is a new occasion. There is nothing to be gained by continuing from where you left off. The incident has finished. You are both in a different place now. It is a new sentence, so start again.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Just ask yourself.
"How many times have I become upset with my spouse for something the children did hours ago?"
"How many times have I missed an opportunity because I was still focused on an upset and all I could say was 'no' to everything?"
"How many times have I driven my car erratically because I was still thinking of an incident that made me angry?"
The faster you let go of an issue that upsets you, the faster you return to an equilibrium, and the healthier you will be. the best example of this behaviour is found with professional sportspeople. They know that the faster they can forget an incident or missed opportunity and get on with the game, the better their performance.
Here's a method you can try to reduce your recovery time.
Imagine yourself to be an actor in a play on the stage. You aim is to play your part to the best of your ability. You have been given a script and at the end of each sentence is a full stop. Each time you get to the end of the sentence you start a new on and although the next sentence is related to the last, it is not affected by it. Your job is to deliver each sentence to the best of your ability.
Now think about your life. Imagine that life is no more than a play, and we each have a role. Your job is to play your part to the best of your ability. Each incident you face is a new sentence. Just put a full stop behind it and start again. Accept that every time you meet someone or have a conversation with a a person on telephone or even send an email it is a new incident.
You have both moved on since you last met, so remembering the last occasion only keep you in the past and stops you moving forward. Stops you seeing new opportunities. The next time you see the person that upset you is a new occasion. There is nothing to be gained by continuing from where you left off. The incident has finished. You are both in a different place now. It is a new sentence, so start again.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Forgiving Therapy
When someone hurts you, there is nothing you can do to undo or reverse the hurt. You might feel that retaliation can assuage your pain, that your suffering can be made worthwhile by causing injury to your attacker, but it only keeps you stuck in a place of hatred. The grudges you harbour are like an anchor that keeps you weighted down. If you continue to hold an intense grievance, you are giving what happened in the past the power to determine your present emotional well being. Until you forgive, you will be victimized over and over again, trapped in an emotional prison, unable to move on with the rest of your life.
But do you really believe in forgiveness? Are some injuries so grievous that they should not be forgiven? Murder, for example? Or an extra marital affair? Or can everything, ultimately, be soothed by the balm of amnesty? Each one of us will have a different view of the extent and scope of forgiveness. But in order to get on with our lives, we all have to try. Even the parents of Protestant and Catholic families in Northern Ireland whose children had been killed by each other, had to find some way to reject the cycle of violence and embrace peace.
Studies have shown that there are measurable benefits to forgiveness:
For instance, forgiving is good for your health. Studies show that people who forgive more readily report fewer health problems while people who blame others for their troubles have a higher incidence of illness such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.
Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Studies of divorced people show that those who forgave their former spouse were healthier emotionally than those who chose not to forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well being and lower anxiety and depression.
If you're trying to forgive, but find it extremely difficult, don't be too hard on yourself. Remember, forgiveness is a process - it takes time and patience. You must be ready. Realize that forgiveness is for you - not for anyone else.
You also have to understand that forgiving does not mean you are condoning the actions of the offender or what they did to you. It does mean that you will blame less and find a way to think differently about what happened to you.
Forgiveness gives you the chance to leave the bad things in the past, and refocus on the positives in your life. To invest more time, energy and love on the people and things you still have.
Remember, a life well lived is the best revenge.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
But do you really believe in forgiveness? Are some injuries so grievous that they should not be forgiven? Murder, for example? Or an extra marital affair? Or can everything, ultimately, be soothed by the balm of amnesty? Each one of us will have a different view of the extent and scope of forgiveness. But in order to get on with our lives, we all have to try. Even the parents of Protestant and Catholic families in Northern Ireland whose children had been killed by each other, had to find some way to reject the cycle of violence and embrace peace.
Studies have shown that there are measurable benefits to forgiveness:
For instance, forgiving is good for your health. Studies show that people who forgive more readily report fewer health problems while people who blame others for their troubles have a higher incidence of illness such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.
Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Studies of divorced people show that those who forgave their former spouse were healthier emotionally than those who chose not to forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well being and lower anxiety and depression.
If you're trying to forgive, but find it extremely difficult, don't be too hard on yourself. Remember, forgiveness is a process - it takes time and patience. You must be ready. Realize that forgiveness is for you - not for anyone else.
You also have to understand that forgiving does not mean you are condoning the actions of the offender or what they did to you. It does mean that you will blame less and find a way to think differently about what happened to you.
Forgiveness gives you the chance to leave the bad things in the past, and refocus on the positives in your life. To invest more time, energy and love on the people and things you still have.
Remember, a life well lived is the best revenge.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Forgive Yourself
Very often, when we talk about forgiveness, we mean forgiving other people. But many of us are not maximizing our lives because we've forgotten to forgive the most important person of all - ourselves.
There will be many times when we hurt or disappoint ourselves. When we make an error in judgement or when we fail to reach a certain benchmark. when we don't deal with that hurt and allow it to accumulate, it can lead to low self-esteem and self-disparagement. When you do make a mistake it's perfectly fine to acknowledge it. But don't hold it against yourself for the rest of your life.
Perhaps you feel you've let someone down, someone you care about. Punishing yourself isn't going to help things. Instead, deal with the hurt and let it go. Apologize to the other person or attempt to compensate in some way. Acknowledge the other person's feelings, says you're sorry, ask for their forgiveness. Then forgive yourself.
Or maybe you begrudge yourself for something you feel is a flaw or impediment. Perhaps you hate your body, or don't think you're capable enough to succeed. Hey, no one has everything. But you don't have to simply accept your inadequacies. Have the courage to accept the things you cannot change, but the courage to change the things you can. These immortal words from a saint have perennial relevance. So don't feel sorry for yourself, do something about it. It's alright to be not good enough yet. But get on that path towards self-improvement.
Ask yourself these questions:
"Do I use my inner dialogue to beat myself up mentally and spiritually?"
"Do I not allow myself happiness because I believe, deep down inside, I don't deserve to be happy?"
"Am I holding myself back from relationships because I believe I'll just mess them up, repeating patterns in the past?"
"Am I setting for a career or relationship because I believe I'm not worthy of anything better?"
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, it's time to make a change.
You are the only "you" you're ever going to have. Treat yourself well, with all the love, dignity and respect you can gather.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
There will be many times when we hurt or disappoint ourselves. When we make an error in judgement or when we fail to reach a certain benchmark. when we don't deal with that hurt and allow it to accumulate, it can lead to low self-esteem and self-disparagement. When you do make a mistake it's perfectly fine to acknowledge it. But don't hold it against yourself for the rest of your life.
Perhaps you feel you've let someone down, someone you care about. Punishing yourself isn't going to help things. Instead, deal with the hurt and let it go. Apologize to the other person or attempt to compensate in some way. Acknowledge the other person's feelings, says you're sorry, ask for their forgiveness. Then forgive yourself.
Or maybe you begrudge yourself for something you feel is a flaw or impediment. Perhaps you hate your body, or don't think you're capable enough to succeed. Hey, no one has everything. But you don't have to simply accept your inadequacies. Have the courage to accept the things you cannot change, but the courage to change the things you can. These immortal words from a saint have perennial relevance. So don't feel sorry for yourself, do something about it. It's alright to be not good enough yet. But get on that path towards self-improvement.
Ask yourself these questions:
"Do I use my inner dialogue to beat myself up mentally and spiritually?"
"Do I not allow myself happiness because I believe, deep down inside, I don't deserve to be happy?"
"Am I holding myself back from relationships because I believe I'll just mess them up, repeating patterns in the past?"
"Am I setting for a career or relationship because I believe I'm not worthy of anything better?"
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, it's time to make a change.
You are the only "you" you're ever going to have. Treat yourself well, with all the love, dignity and respect you can gather.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Forgiveness for Yourself
We're always being told "Forget what happened. Put it behind you and move on." It's not that easy, is it?
Forgiving someone who has done you an injustice is difficult; it even feels illogical, because we feel that we are letting the wrongdoer off the hook. But forgiving does not equate letting someone off the hook. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you are condoning bad behaviour. Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about you.
You forgive people not for their sake, but for your own sake. You forgive because that's the only way you can set yourself free. When you forgive, you're letting go of anger, of hurt, helplessness or shame. Like love, when forgiveness is given unconditionally, it's incredibly empowering for the giver. When you set conditions on forgiveness, you give power to your tormentors. You make it easier for them to hurt you again.
Stress is often caused by regrets and resentments we have been holding on to for years. These grudges rob us of peace of mind and hamper our growth.
Peace of mind is required for healing to take place. Forgiveness can bring that peace of mind. That said though, nobody should demand or expect forgiveness from you. It is nobody's birthright to be forgiven. It's up to you when you are ready and when you want to forgive them. You have to work through your anger and sense of loss before you will be able to do that. Others can ask you for forgiveness but not expect it. To expect forgiveness builds up even more resentment.
But we all should practice forgiveness regularly to unclutter our mind. When we forgive, we remove what's blocking our energy and happiness. We open doors to fresh air and light.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
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