Many of us think we are in love, when we are really in love with the idea of being in love. We are besotted with the image of ourselves being with someone. As a result, our so-called love is actually self-centered, possessive, fettered and false. This can lead to relationships that satisfy us only superficially, or to a vain search for that "perfect" partner while oblivious to the love that's all around us.
For love is not limited to its romantic sense. Romantic love, especially in the early stages, energises us, makes us generous and forgiving, fills us with hope and makes every moment seem wonderful. But how long does it last? Why aren't we in love all the time?
The art of love, if perfected, enables us to love all of life. Romantic love can only thrive if it's supported by this kind of all-embracing, all-encompassing love. Let me clarify myself here and say that we should not, needless to say, love things like power, adulation, money or violence. What I'm referring to is love and respect for oneself, for example, love for preservation rather destruction and waste, love for nature and creation, love for fellow human beings, and a deeper appreciation of the people who love us.
The art of love is a lifelong endeavour. It's seldom perfected, if at all, but the greater the semblance we achieve, the fuller and richer our lives will be. For it was once said, that "we never ask the meaning of life when we are in love".
Indeed, love, if practised in the way it was meant to be practised, has the power to engender a constant sense of well-being, peace and happiness. It has the ability to create, perserve and heal.
Let's look as some reasons why we sometimes fail to find love, why the euphoria of love is often shortlived, and how we can open up our hearts to find and give love wherever we may be.
Have you heard people saying how they've tried searching for the right person for such a long time when he or she was right there under their noses? Sounds like a cliche? Or a cheap movie script? Well, yes and yes. but it is true that we are often so engrossed in our search for the "perfect" partner that we are oblivious to the people around us who do love us for who we are. Everyone has the potential to love. Most of the time though, we are simply too blinded by our own expectations and ideals that we fail to see the potential for love in them.
I'm not saying you should jump into a relationship with anyone who might express a liking for you. I'm saying do not simply dismiss someone whom you feel is not right for you. Allow time to reveal if love can indeed flourish. Do not make commitments you cannot fulfill. Do not make empty promises. But don't always push people away either. The move we can open up to people, the more we can appreciate what is being offered now.Most of us feel compelled to play roles - both in relationships and in society. We think that these interpretations of us a re desirable and acceptable, and that the real "us" will not able to attract love.
The opposite is true. Most of the time, we are unable to find love because we're so busy playing oles and games that our partners never get to know who we really are. Notice how you are when you are with someone you have feelings for. Are you comfortable? Are you the real you? Or are you trying to present a version of you that you think is more impressive? People like people who are comfortable with themselves. you are most loveable and beautiful just the way you are. It's the roles that get in the way.
We human beings have the tendency to hold on. We want to hold on to our youth, we want to hold on to our possessions, and we want to hold on to the people we love. But love between two people has a life of its own, a freedom that no one can chain down. We must allow this love to arise and descend freely.
When people come into our lives, we should accept and cherish them while they're with us. When it's time for them to go, let them go. Do not turn the departure into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. The person's leaving has got nothing to do with you. Practise doing this with yourself as well. Do not let your love be unnecessarily shackled. when we allow love to ebb and flow naturally, we love more freely and truly.
Many of us bring a lot of emotional baggage into a relationship. Our own expectations and demands, the fear from past failed relationships, the criteria that we feel a relationship should hae. These are all obstacles to creating a free, fulfilling and loving partnership.
Take a look at what you feel is crucial for a relationship. The expectation of marriage, perhaps. maybe the person has to be intellectually-stimulating, emotionally-sensitive, humourous, caring and charming. The need to have the person available anytime you need support. The approval of your friends. The need for the person to find no one else attractive besides you. The need for the other person to appreciate and share your interests. Are these things keeping people and possiblities away? Are they wearing down your relationship?
Try putting some of this baggage down. You don't have to become selfless, generous, forgiving, emotionally-independent, confident, and understanding in one day. Practise it little by little. You will find that not only did you not need the baggage, it was preventing you from finding real happiness and love. Over time, you will feel lighter, happier, less resentful and more accepting and loving of yourself. What's more, you'll discover new people and opportunities you never noticesd before.
As someone once said, "When there are no unnecessary thoughts in your mind, everyday is a good day."
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
