We're always hearing about how children are naturally happy, that they are generally immune to worry and guilt. Well, that might be true, but only until we grown-ups teach them how to be stressed. Our children look to us parents for appropriate behaviour, to learn what's right, what's wrong, how to react to certain stimuli and so on. In this way, we are also their role models for stress reduction. If we cannot manage our own stress levels, our kids in turn will not be able to deal with their own stress effectively.
A lot of stress is really self-inflicted. We may blame the high cost of living, competition, social expectations and so on for our crazy schedules but ignoring our own part in it is irresponsible and disempowering. Many of us lead exhausting lives because we overbook our schedules. We just try and cram in too much. We convince ourselves that certain things have to done by certain times and when they fall through, we feel guilty or inadequate.
We do that to our children's schedules too. Enrolling children in too many extracurricular activities can really stress them out. Generally speaking, kids seem to gain more satisfaction from focusing on a few interests that they truly enjoy. Just like adults, they tend to suffer physically and emotionally when they spread themselves too thin. Besides, if you allow your children to focus their energy on a handful of their favourite hobbies, say tennis and piano, they will continuously gain more and more skills in these areas, which will in turn boost their self-esteem.
Before you can learn to understand how stress is affecting your child, you need to know how to ask the right questions. How you ask your questions are also crucial. It's great to ask your young children some open-ended questions about school or camp or daycare, but proceed sensitively - listen carefully and look for cues about their anxiety level. Don't push your kids into areas in which they feel uncomfortable. Young children are natural storytellers and they will tell you about their experiences in school, with friends, teachers and other important subjects when they are ready. So very often it's best to gently nudge them in the appropriate direction and let them initiate the story-telling process.
You want to make them understand that stress is normal and that there is always something that can be done to get the levels down. Your children will pick up your calm, positive energy or your nervous, negative energy so focus on managing your own stress effectively. Allow them to see how you do it, and they will naturally learn and internalize these habits. And don't make the mistake of thinking that working excessively hard is necessarily going to help your kids. If you break down, who's going to help them? So if you're a nervous wreck, your children will probably crumble when they're stressed too. Here are some ways you can reduce your own stress, and in turn teach your child, by example, how anxiety can be minimized.
Simplify your home life in as many ways as possible. Very often our lives are chaotic because we simply do not take the time to organize them. Concentrate on a few key tasks and do them efficiently. Shut down your computer after a certain time in the evening and spend the rest of the day engaging with your children.
Minimize the level of "emotional drama" in your life. We can't stop exhausting or toxic people from entering our lives from time to time, but we can stop ourselves from thinking about them after the episodes have past. Let go of the meanness and nastiness that they've left in your hearts every now and again. This teaches your kids that they don't have to keep odious people in their lives. And also that they need not become bitter and hateful themselves.
When your children are around, always turn to your spouse when you need a friend to talk to. This shows them that a good and lasting marriage is possible when both parties can confide in one another without turning to outside sources. Ask for different perspectives, funny stories or a fun experience. And most importantly, laugh as often you can!
Another great way to de-stress is to perspire! Take your children out for a walk, a run, a swim or a game. Our bodies naturally retune themselves when the endorphins start flowing.
Also don't be afraid to spend time on what you love doing. Encourage your children to develop some hobbies and interests of your own. For example, if you find writing poetry or coming up with ridiculous recipes de-stressing, don't be embarrassed about it! A lot of the stress we give ourselves is from the holding back and worrying about what others might think of us.
And begin and end your day as calmly as possible. Make it a point to get up perhaps five or ten minutes earlier so you don't have to rush. Spend the extra time just breathing deeply with your eyes closed. Do this with your children. Ask about their dreams, their hopes. Talk about how blessed you are, to be healthy, to have one another, a beautiful home, a mind to learn new things, a heart to love. Take mental snapshots of you giving thanks for all that you have and keep them in your mind.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
