Letting Go

One of the most important and difficult skills to learn in life is letting go.

Letting go of things, of people, of environments... accepting that change is inevitable, and that very often, some things have to go to make ways for other things.

We are creatures of habit, and nothing suits us more than staying in our routines and comfort zones. But resisting change is one of the most frustrating and futile things we can do. And a lot of our unhappiness stems from not being able to let go of things that have run their natural course.

Our fascination with prolonging life, for example... as if we're really making the most of this extra time. Or fiercely holding on to archaic beliefs simply because everyone else seems to believe in them. Pining for someone who no longer cares for us. Blindly asserting that we should follow certain rules, knowing full well that these rules are made by Man, and Man is imperfect, which logically follows that rules are imperfect.

I'm not saying that you wilfully break the rules. I'm simply suggesting that we don't allow them to constrict us. Sometimes rules can prevent us from seeing the bigger picture.

The "rule" for example, that it's bad for us to be wrong. This belief causes us to seek to win every time. As a result, we learn to be in attack mode, often unleashing our power on the weak and helpless, pulverising our opponents, raising their bloody scalps as symbols of our superiority. But this kind of victor only alienates us from friends and loved ones, breeds enemies, and fills our life with suspicion and hatred.

To what end, to be right all the time? What does it really mean to win?

We should all accept that we can all be wrong sometimes, and that really isn't such a big deal. Too much time on that high horse is obviously choking some chakras.

We'd all be doing ourselves a huge favour to get over our egos. Our ego resists change, it resists the flow and cycle of life. It keeps us obsessed with judging and correcting others, while remaining blind to our own shortcomings. It keeps us stuck in a reality constructed only by our limited senses. It continues to fool us that the past matters a lot, that it affects our future. When in truth, nothing affects your future except YOU, right now.

If we can let go of our ego... only then can we learn to appreciate life for that it truly is. To appreciate the journey instead of focusing on the destination. To feel the passion instead of fixating on the "purpose". To embrace change, to allow the flow of life to enrich and fill us. To be as sinuous as the river that runs unreservedly, unyielding-ly into the sea.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Conversation-Starters

We've all been there. You are at a party, or some social event... no one you really know. There are a couple of people you would like to know, but you have no idea how to start a conversation with them.

Or someone comes up to you, says "hello", you say "hi". And then... awkward silence. You are desperately thinking of things to talk about... there are about twenty things running through you head; none of them though actually emerging from your lips.

Though human beings are social creatures, not all of us are naturally sociable. And if you are not the life of the party, that's nothing to be ashamed about. The problem though is that for some of us, the more we falter at social events, the more fearful we can become of them. And this can affect our self-esteem and opportunities for self-development. Not to mention our romantic prospects.

Fortunately though, there is a method to starting and maintaining conversations.

First, let's tackle your state of mind. At a function, you are typically focusing on you, right? How you appear to others, how they are judging you, what you should say or do, and so on. It's no wonder the experience is so nerve-wracking.

Well, take the focus off you and on to other people and your surroundings. Notice what's happening in your environment... take an active interest in what others are doing, saying or wearing, how they are behaving. When your mind is occupied with others, it has no time to worry about you.

Find something common, either between the two of you or something in the surroundings or place and talk about that - how parking was tough, maybe, how good the food looks, which items are must-haves, similar hobbies or work, interest in some ingoing media event perhaps. Remember to who more interest in the other party; ask follow-up questions based on this answers. Everybody loves talking about themselves. So let them carry the conversation.

That's why compliments work well too. It shows that you actually noticed. And it doesn't always have to be something about their appearance or what they are wearing... if you love their enthusiasm or energy, for example, tell them.

Or if you are not in the mood to think about what to say sometimes, make sure you bring along a unique item and display it prominently... that's guaranteed to be a conversation-starter.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Attitude Towards Adversity

There is much in this world that's not fair or right, at least in our opinion. And if we want to, we can have plenty to complain or be unhappy about. In fact, many of us do make our frustrations known on a regular basis, bleating away to our friends, colleagues, family and whoever's too polite to walk away.

I try my best to catch myself when I am straying into "whining" territory, but it's tough, isn't it? It can feel really good to let it all out, especially to someone you feel comfortable around.

But believe me, keep up the complaining and even your closest friend will find you insufferable after a while. Yet, driving people away is a pretty minor consequence compared to what a negative attitude towards adversity does to us.

As we've talked about before, there is much in life that can upset us. So if our typical reaction is negative, then we are likely to be miserable quite often.

I am not suggesting that you dismiss or laugh off everything you find abhorrent or unjust. Certainly we should try to improve things but the problem is that many of us simply throw a big fit and do little else. The frustration and complaining then become just a habit that keeps us feeling low and helpless.

The difference is in our focus. Reacting negatively to challenges keeps our mind on failure, misfortune, and injustice. It makes us feel like we are being unfairly untreated when really, everyone goes through hard times. Everyone gets their heart broken. Everyone experiences failure before tasting success. And we all become excellent only through consistent hard work.

Let's take the example of a salesperson, a profession that arguably encounters the most rejection. After having a couple of doors slammed in his face, he becomes crestfallen, giving in to grunts and sighs, turning to chemicals to jolt his spirits, and resorting to slagging off his clients to justify his stranded sales figures. The more this happens, the less motivated he feels to try harder. His negative attitude towards his problem keeps him in a self-fulfilling cycle of failure.

But what if he doesn't allow the rejection to rattle him? Learn from the experience and do something different the next time? What if keeps up his cheerful disposition and greets the next customer with a bigger smile instead of a scowl?

When you leave an upsetting situation with an unbeaten spirit, you are really taking a big stride towards future success.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Detaching Yourself From Discouragement

If you observe the behaviour of successful people, you will find that they (in their own flamboyant or quiet way) are steadfastly committed to their vision. They have vividly-formed ideas of what they want and how they are going to get there, and discouragement from other people usually has little or no effect on them.

This ability to detach or distance oneself from external sources of disapproval is crucial for success.

Our plans can often be scuttled by dissenting voices. It's easy to criticise, and unhappy and discontented people often feel the need to project their own negative feelings onto others, just so they don't feel alone.

The ability to ignore these discouraging voices though is not the same as arrogance or being bigoted in one's opinions. We should always ponder constructive criticism, but when it come to the kind of thoughtless, toxic, derision that only seeks to bring us down, let it ricochet off you!

True detachment helps you to slice through the fog and remain focused on your objective. It allows you to think clearly and not waste time and energy on getting frustrated or upset. It gives you the control you will need to to manage the affairs that most need your attention, and to ignore those that don't.

We should not confuse this kind of detachment with nonchalance or a mere lackadaisical attitude towards life. This kind of detachment requires inner strength and the acumen to decide which battles are worth fighting.

To effectively detach yourself from nonconstructive criticism, you have to be more in tune with yourself - pay more attention to your own feelings and thoughts. Are they authentic? Are they truly yours? Or are you merely aligning your vies with widely held opinions? Do you simply buy what you're sold? Or do you consistently seek to find your way, your own solutions?

Paying more attention to your thoughts and feelings also helps to understand yourself better - what are your core needs? What are your strengths? What are the areas that need improvement? A good understanding of yourself is the ballast that keeps you steady and grounded.

We usually make our best decisions when we are calm and level-headed. I'm sure you can recall without effort the times when you reached out of agitation or anger. Not pretty, I'm sure and not something you were proud of. So keep your cool... constantly remind yourself of the consequences of acting out of anger.

Train yourself of pause for a moment, absorb what you need to understand about the situation before saying or doing anything. When in doubt, it's usually best not to say or do anything at all.

And remember... it's not personal. Most of the time, people act out of thoughtlessness, ignorance, anger, insecurity or envy. They are usually more concerned with how others think of them rather than you. So try not to let them get to you.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

A Deeper Understanding of Love

You know there is definitely something there when you look at your partner, he or she smiles, and you smile too.

And surely there is something there that makes you give up something you like or need so that your partner can benefit from it.

There is probably something at work too when you refrain from doing something because you think it might hurt your partner.

Some people say it's a chemical, a biological process; that it's indistinguishable from the pleasure you get from sinking your teeth into a scoop of moist chocolate lava cake.

Well, chemical process or not, love fro many of us is still mysterious, though centuries of practice have taught us some of the more profound truths of deeply caring of deeply caring for someone or, in some cases, an exceptionally well-made confectionery.

Love is not about needing someone to be there, but to be there for that person.

Love is not about how much time you have spent together, but how well you two seem to "fir".

Love is not about finding the perfect partner. It is about being the best person you can be.

Love is not just about being together. It's also about letting go.

As we learn more and more about love, we realise that it is not just a flutter of emotions, Byronesque sonnets, passionate kisses or warm embraces. In face, there is also much pain, heartache and sacrifice. Just like the line in that Burt Bacharach song that goes "What do you get when you kiss a guy? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia"!

You cannot compel love. You cannot court love and expect it to fly into your arms. Nor can you trap in a jar like a butterfly that will not doubt soon die anyway. You can only be loving, and hope that someone can see that love and appreciate it.

Love is infinite. It does not diminish even when you are giving it away freely. In fact, the more you share, the more you create and receive.

"Love" is not a word you say to someone if it's not love you feel. And if it truly is love, then it need not be spoken at all!

To love someone is to want the best for someone, even if that "best" thing isn't you.

Love can hurt and love can heal. The results are entirely up to you.

So make your relationships richer and more rewarding with this deeper understanding of love. Even if you are alone at the moment, you have always got that chocolate lava cake!

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Watching What We Say

We all understand keenly the power of information. The battle can be won simply because one side intercepted news of the enemy's intention. A rash email can become a source of deep embarassment, not to mention potential source of blackmail. A person's reputation can be ruined by rumour.

Of cource, most of the time, our talk is a positive attribute. It helps us make friends and helps others feel included in a group. But sometimes, we get so caught up in talking and "doing what comes naturally" that we forget to think before we open our mouths.

There is an adage that goes "The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid."

Here's something to think about the next time we feel the urge to talk about someone, or are in the presence of someone talking about someone else.

Do i know this to be the absolute truth? Am I adding embellishments of my own? How well-informed am I about this person or this situation? Am I qualified to make a judgement? Did I get this news from someone else? How reliable is that person? Is he or she consistently gossiping about others? Am I pointing out the flaws of others in order to distract people from my own? Would I want this news shared about me?

I know it's extremely difficult to hold our tongues - very often we think of it as "Just making conversation". But think about what your words are doing. Are you muddying the person's reputation just for a bit of "conversation"? What are your words doing to you? What are they doing to other people's perception of you?

The next time you're drawn into a conversation, watch what you say. What are you discussing? What impressions are you forming, intentionally or unintentionally? Are you preoccupied with the trivial pursuits, trials and defeats of other people instead of focusing on your own flaws and working on them to improve yourself?

What we say about other people also says volumes about the kind of person we are. As someone once wrote: "The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly."

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Learning As a Tool for Happiness

Talk about "lifelong learning" and "learning to remain employable" and so on is not new. Our parents, governments, bosses and even ourselves have long framed an attitude of constant learning as a tool for increasing our value and a way to remain relevant in a rapidly-changing society.

But while this subtle "fear tactic" may have worked for some people, others remain skeptical or indignant - "my job requires basic skills and I am happy with that; I don't want to put myself through skills upgrading just to get a better job. I am too lazy. besides, I haven't been laid off yet" seems to be the kind of mentality they have. The fear of being made irrelevant simply isn't real enough or motivation enough for them to adopt an attitude of constant learning. And even if they do take up skills upgrading, they do so with reluctance and doubt.

These people are not able to embrace lifelong learning because for them, it is become something academic or only of commercial value. But cultivating an enthusiasm for learning is much more than that. It's a tool for happiness.

Human beings were not made for inactivity, whether physical or mental. To continue functioning at our peak, we need to keep challenging ourselves. Many people feel lost or stuck these days because they have stopped challenging themselves; they have stopped learning and experiencing new things. And because they have stopped stepping out of their routines, they rarely meet new people, engage in fresh conversations, or discuss novel ideas. This affects their relationships as well. Lonely and dateless? Try acquiring a new skill! It is the easiest way to meet like-minded people.

An attitude of constant learning also helps boost your self esteem. If you are enthusiastic about learning, you are consistently picking new knowledge, which helps you feel good about yourself. You are also less fearful of new situations because at the very least, you will learn something you can use to improve yourself. Even little tips and tricks you pick up from here and there help you develop a confidence which in turn helps you tackle other challenges.

Constantly seeking new knowledge also exposes you to more opportunities to make your life better; and I don't mean just making you more valuable as a worker, it can also hook you up with potential benefactors or partners, friends, more wealth-creating opportunities, self-discovery and so on

And the learning experience does not have to be dull either. Don't force yourself to take up an activity you dislike; start with the things you love or think you could enjoy; if you keep your eyes and ears open, no doubt they will lead you on to other opportunities!

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd