If you're like most people, your parents brought you up to be a "good" person - "be polite", "don't talk back", "stop pouting", "always share", "tell the truth", "stop complaining", "smile", "don't cry", "stop asking questions", "don't be selfish", and so on. This so-called "good" child is the pride of Mommy and Daddy and grows up, in the early years, to be everyone's darling.
But when this "good" child grows into an adult, these are the kinds of behaviour they display - they force themselves to smile even when they're upset, they accept tasks and situations they don't like just to accommodate others, they hardly ever assert their own needs, pepper their words with "should" and "ought to", cannot accept compliments and never believe that they're really good at something, and occasionally become perplexingly upset then try to put you on guilt trips or punish you in some way.
I could go on, but you get the idea. You see how these "good" boys and girls can be frustrating as men and women? Their parents meant well, as most parents do, but these parents have taught their children to suppress their real emotions and needs in order to fit in with the world. These people are often emotionally-draining because they come across as two-faced, and they rarely give useful feedback. As a result, they're often not successful in their relationships with others.
Adults who were raised as "good" children are also less able to cope with change and the unpredictable turns in life. They are most comfortable within rigid structures and routines and are terrified of any deviance from the path. They cannot distinguish between destructive and constructive criticism. Any negative comment made about them is seen as harsh. They love playing the victim because doing so gives them an excuse for continuing their behaviour. They require a lot of attention and love but cannot truly accept them. They pride themselves on their steadfast adherence to rules and establishment. "Good" people are made to become cogs in the wheels of industry. They make great workers but hardly succeed at being a leader, friend, or partner. They smile and agree with the people they actually oppose and regard them with suspicion and envy. They criticize these so-called "deviants" but secretly wish they could be like them, to have their freedom. But the iron cages of childhood conditioning are often too strong.
I'm not saying that you raise brats, but examine more closely how you're bringing up your child. Are you raising him to be a successful and happy adult? Or an eternal child trapped in a grown-up's body?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
