All couples fight to some degree and in various manners, but the difference between those that last and those that break apart is the ability to repair the subsequent damage.
Couples are united by love but sundered by their weak skills at relationship maintenance. Love is a spontaneous, fulfilling emotion and we don't need to learn how to love someone (not in the initial stage anyway); it just comes naturally. But how many of us truly know how to handle the ill feelings, cold wars and emotional disengagement arising from conflict? Given enough time to accumulate and simmer, these insidious emotions could wreck any happy couple.
That's why acquiring the skills to repair the damage done by clashes is so crucial in a marriage. In life we cannot avoid hurt, but we can learn how to heal.
Most of us go into relationships "blind", that is, not fully comprehending what's required to forge a rewarding, lasting bond. And so we're bound to make follies; after all, we all have our bad days, stress from other sources, or simply judge a situation poorly. Rather than ignoring the issue or your partner or allowing the anger to seethe, try fixing it.
If you feel that you're more clearly the offender, don't hold on stubbornly to that olive branch. And if your spouse is the more evidently at fault, don't sit on your high horse - be ready to accept any apology or atonement. You know it's not easy to admit you're wrong, and if your spouse does it sincerely, that shows that he or she truly cares about you and wants to mend bridges.
Here are some ways you can begin to repair the wreckage resulting from a bad crash.
First (and I bet you're thinking this too), apologise. A simple and heartfelt apology can sometimes do wonders for a relationship. Beware of overdoing it though; too many too often appears insincere and can backfire on you.
Then, try confiding feelings. Very often, conflict occurs because of deep insecurities and latent fears. Your partner is more likely to empathise with you if he or she knew these feelings, but obviously they can't tell unless you tell them. For example, you may be just really worried about the kids when you lost your cool. Express these concerns.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
