You probably wouldn't be counting, but it's been estimated that on average we make between 300 and 400 self-evaluations per day. Now if that's a surprising statistic to you, what do you think of this one? Out of those 300 to 400 self-assessments, about 80% are negative.
The numbers might seem incredulous but if we take into account all the sub-conscious and non-verbal messages we send ourselves, we begin to have a good idea of the amount of negative self-talk we engage in. A good mistake can often send us into prolonged and repeated sessions of self-flagellation.
"That was stupid. I can't believe you said that! Remember the last time you messed things up? Why do you always do that?"
Now, you wouldn't say that to a friend or co-worker, would you? So why would you say such things to yourself?
Self-confidence is an invaluable asset we all need in a competitive, fast-changing world. We need to be able to bounce back from mistakes. It's the only way to learn, the only route to success. Unfortunately, most of us are best at making ourselves feel worse. Even during those rare moments when we do take credit for good work done, the self-praise doesn't last long. Often, we give away our credit, saying things like "Oh I was just lucky!" or "It wasn't just me, I had lots of help!". It may be a cultural thing, but most of us tend to discount our successes and play up our incompetence. It almost seems like the polite thing to do.
Well, polite or not, it's not doing any good for you. If you're always selling yourself short, you're also always looking for friends, colleagues, bosses, and partners who will make up for or affirm your lack of self-esteem. It's almost like you're setting yourself up for failure. Not to mention leaving control over your emotions and self-image in the hands of others.
Scott Adams, the Dilbert Cartoonist, once put into practice the power of moving on from mistakes and not dwelling on them. He says: "Once at a tennis tournament, I was paired with a woman who had just learned how to play. Every time she missed a shot, she immediately turned to me, expecting that I would be disappointed or frustrated. Instead, I talked to her about our strategy for the next point. By doing so, I sent a very important message: The past doesn't matter. I didn't encourage her with empty praise-that rarely works. But I know that if she dwelled on a mistake, she was more likely to repeat it, and that if she focused on how we were going to win the next point, she was more likely to help us do just that. Over several days, her abilities improved dramatically and we ended up winning the tournament."
Treat yourself the same way.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
