When you're in a romantic relationship, do you give away too much of yourself?
This may seem like a strange question; after all, isn't love supposed to be that way? The giving of oneself to one's partner?
Well, the problem with always placing someone else's needs and ideas above your own is that it's not sustainable.
When you fell in love with your partner, you did so because you found some aspects of him or her attractive. This attractiveness forms the core of your partner's personal power. It is what makes them likeable to others as well. You too have your own personal power. But when we love someone, it's natural for us to want to give him or her some of this power. We might consistently give in, for example, always admit fault in arguments, constantly accommodate their wishes, in turn curtailing our own needs and feelings. The problem begins when you suppress yourself too much and too often in order to inflate your partner. The relationship then becomes lop-sided - your partner begins to rely on your submission, praises and assistance, and you start to think that this is what makes you valuable, what makes you loveable.
But do you notice that the more you give in to someone, the more they tend to take advantage of you? Yes your partner may love you but they're human too and can be "taught" over time to perceive your love as this consistent yielding to their desires. Your partner can begin to believe that he or she is really more important than you - more attractive, more powerful, more well-liked; while you're turning weak, timid, disrespectful of yourself and basking in the rays of their light.
The thing is, your partner is looking for an equal, someone who can play off them, challenge them, learn with them, grow with them; not more admirers for their "fanclub". To build a meaningful relationship, you must have a healthy self-image. If you have a low assessment of yourself, over time your partner can come to have a low opinion of you too.
So remember, a healthy sustainable relationship can only be developed if both parties have a high sense of self-worth and personal powers are maintained at equitable levels. You're partners, and you're not an unworthy creature admiring someone far better than you.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
