When we do something that harms someone, we experience a feeling called guilt. This kind of guilt is important to have because it keeps us in check. Otherwise we'd all think nothing of hurting others.
However, the kind of guilt many people experience is of a different and much less positive kind. In fact, you can say it has no rewards at all. This is the kind of guilt that you feel when you have actually done nothing wrong but because of certain born or bred mindsets, you're judging yourself to have been a bad person.
For example, some people feel responsible for all the happiness and unhappiness of their family members. A family member may be feeling needy and is increasingly seeking and wanting more of your assurances and help and time. Now of course you should help your family members but if you feel a deep sense of guilt every time you "weren't there" for example, or said something that appeared to hurt the other person, then you are falsely judging yourself.
You are not wholly responsible for your loved one's state of mind or happiness, although you can play a part. If a loved one becomes testy whenever you aren't able to fulfill a task he or she expected you to do, then you have become a crutch for them. For example, they aren't able to do simple things like calling a service provider or going to the doctor for a minor flu on their own.
When you make yourself wholly responsible for a loved one's happiness and feel guilty whenever you miss the mark, you're also teaching your loved one to be dependent. When this happens, the sense of betrayal just gets stronger and stronger each time you're not able to deliver. Needless to say, this only strains the relationship in the long run.
Now you know that you're not doing anything wrong, or directly damaging, yet you continue to judge yourself whenever others around you get upset. On some level you believe that by accommodating people all the time, you will get their love and acceptance. But it's doesn't work that way. Building up false expectations only builds disappointment and resentment. Remember, you cannot control others' feelings and behaviour by doing things "right". You shouldn't judge yourself whenever you're unable to do things "right". Fully accept that you can't be wholly responsible for another person's feelings and release the self-judgement and guilt.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
