Many couples enter a marriage with critical misconceptions of what it takes to make it work. They go in thinking that love will take care of everything, that just because they're now legally united that both parties are automatically obligated to meet each others' whims and expectations. That your partner will gradually change to suit your ideals, that time and familiarity will smooth over the rough edges and magically transform him or her into the giving, loving, reliable, mature spouse and parent.
These misconceptions are not only inaccurate, they're the main reasons why marriages fail. Today, let's talk about these false beliefs and how they can destroy your marriage.
Many married couples take it for granted that their spouse should automatically know what they need and want. That because they "love" them, that they can somehow read their minds. They often don't express their authentic thoughts and desires, preferring instead to drop hints or pretend to be ok with the way things are. When their needs continue to be unfulfilled over time, the pent-up hurt and disappointment can result in a nasty display. The spouse meanwhile is completely baffled.
To many couples, marriage also appears to be the panacea for any defects in the relationship. Marriage is so often portrayed or spoken of as the ultimate dream, a sacrosanct union, and so on that it has taken on an almost magical sheen. People actually do believe that marriage can and will solve all problems, that once that destination has been reached, that they can heave a sigh of relief and let go. They believe that marriage will change whatever flaws they see in their partner - that she will finally begin to wash and cook and well, turn into a Stepford Wife, that he will stop going out with his beer buddies, that she will want three children, that he will become more mature, stop clowning around and make more money. Again, a complete myth. Marriage is the next step in the journey. It's not a solution, nor a dream, nor a magic spell. Don't marry your partner because you think it will turn him or her into your ideal partner.
It's also commonly believed that you should always put your spouse's needs first. Again, a dangerous conviction. Marriage is not about being an emotional slave. It's not about guilt that you feel if you fail to meet your spouse's expectations. Always putting other people's needs before your own demonstrates a lack of respect and love for yourself, and it won't be long before your own repressed needs begin to sour the relationship.
So check your reasons for marriage. How many of them are really myths?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
