Forgiveness for Your Own good

You are always being told "Forget what happened. Put it behind you and move on."

It is not that easy, is it?

Forgiving someone who has done you an injustice is difficult, it even feels illogical, because we feel that we are letting the wrongdoer off the hook. But forgiving does not equate letting someone off the hook. Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning bad behaviour. Forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about you.

You forgive people not for their sake, but fo your own sake. You forgive because that's the one way you can set yourself free. When you forgive, you are letting go of anger, of hurt, helplessness or shame. Like love, when forgiveness is given unconditionally, it is incredibly empowering for the giver. When you set conditions on forgivness, you give power to your tormentors. You make it easier for them to hurt you again.

Stress is often caused by regrets and resentments we have been holding on to for years. The grudges rob us of peace of mind and hamper our growth.

Peace of mind is required for healing to take place. Forgiveness can bring that peace of mind. That said though, nobody should demand or expect forgiveness from you. It is nobody's birth-right to be forgiven. It is up to you when you are ready and when you want to forgive them. You have to work through your anger and sense of loss before you will be able to do that. Others can ask you for forgiveness but not expect it. To expect forgiveness builds up even more resentment.

But we all should practice forgiveness regularly to unclutter our mind. When we forgive, we remove what's blocking our energy and happiness. We open doors to fresh air and light.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

The Highest Desire

In our daily intereactions with others, be they with our spouse, our children, our parents, our colleagues, our friends or our bosses, we sometimes lose the plot. By this I mean that we often get overcome by emotions, distracted by petty sidelines, and forget our focus.

Let's say you have a dispute with our spouse or partner. The primary factor in this relationship, the reason why you're both in it, is to love and be loved. But very often we get ingrained in other stuff - the need to be right for instance - and that kills the highest intention you had when you first met, began courting and decided that you would like to spend more time with each other.

Ultimately, you love this person and this person loves you. That should be the most important outcome, should not it? When you keep your focus on this, the dispute becomes secondary - unimportant and definitely not worth straining your relationship over.

It's probably easier to understand this with someone you love. But what about with your colleagues, whom you don't love? Well, not romantically anyway...

Again, what is your highest intention, the highest desire? Is it to win your point of view at any cost? Is it to be seen the most capable employee in the company? Is it to earn a simple living so you focus on other aspects of life you cherish more? Or is it to rise through the ranks and one day own your own business? Is it to build respect? Or to be recognised for your talents and abilities? Focus on the highest outcome. When you do this, you send subtle, unseen signals to your colleagues and your bosses and they will begin to show you the very thing you want.

What about the kids?

With kids, the same principles applies - what is the utmost intention? Is it to force them into doing what you want right now or to have them willingly co-operate and grow up into well rounded, responsible people who can think for themselves and make their own decision?

Our relationships can be beneficial and rewarding. We just have to focus on the highest desire - what is the highest outcome you could have in this situation? What's most important?

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Overcoming the Fear of Rejection

The fear of rejection is more prevalent than some people would believe. In extreme cases, the anxiety is so great that the person simply retreats or crumbles into an uneasy mess.

To these people, the seemingly common and simple task of interacting with a stranger can be nerve-racking. These people are often frustrated because they are capable of success but are defeated by their fear of rejection. They have no problems being great friends with one or two people but are unable to widen their circle because they cannot seem to make new acquaintances comfortably.

So what can you do if you often face this kind of fear?

First of all, imagine the worst case scenario. Run it through in your mind. At this stage, forget about how you're going to handle rejection. Just think about the worst that could realistically happen. Our fears often take on a life of their own. However when you can stop for a moment and plan in advance, whatever does happen is usually not so bad after all.

Next, decide what rejection means. When we react emotionally to rejection we can usually come up with some awful reasons why people reject us, such as -"People disklike me", "I am a failure", "I am not worthy of their approval", "I am not good enough", and so on.

These limiting thoughts are only making things worse for you. And the thing is, only you can choose what rejection means for you. Other people can never make you feel as bad as you yourself can. So, if it's your feelings, your life, your choice, why not choose more empowering meanings? Such as - "The other person is probably feeling down, is insecure about something, or is preoccupied with a problem at the moment", or "I am the only person who's responsible for my own happiness, so I will not allow someone else to take charge". What about "How can I do better next time?" or "At the end of the day, I know that I am loved for who I am, by the people who do matter to me". Who knows, maybe you are the one making the other person nervous. Now wouldn't that be ironic?

Knowing what to say is not just a matter of what words to speak; that is only the tip of the iceberg. Ninety per cent of the solution depends on you taking charge of your emotional and mental states. The more you do this, that is, laugh at rejection in the face and continue to make your life better, the more comfortable you will be around people. Over time, you will find that the barriers to your success and happiness were not so overbearing after all.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Worrying Less

Worry is such a loathsome thing. You know you'd be able to save more time and energy and achieve more without it, but sometimes it simply refuses to leave you alone.

Most of us will probably not be able to eradicate worry from our lives, but here are some ways you can worry less and accomplish more:

Don't think of problems as difficulties. think of them as opportunities for action.

After you've done your best to deal with a situation, avoid speculating about the outcome. Forget it and go on to the next thing.

Keep busy. Keep the 24 hours of your day filled with these three ingredients: work, recreation, sleep. Don't allow yourself time for your mind to wander.

There are things you cannot do anything about, so don't concern yourself with them.

Don't procrastinate. Putting off an unpleasant task until tomorrow simply gives you more time for your imagination to make a mountain out a possible molehill. More time for anxiety to sap your self-confidence. Do it now.

Don't pour woes and anxieties onto other people. Sympathy from others is very tempting and does feel good for a while, but eventually, it just makes you feel sorrier for yourself.

Get up as soon as you wake up. If you lie in bed, you may use up as much nervous energy living your day in advance as you would in actual accomplishment of the day's work.

Try to arrange your schedule so that you will not have to hurry. Hurry shatters poise and self-confidence, and adds to fear and anxiety.

If a project seems too big, break it up into simple steps of action. Then negotiate those steps like rungs on a ladder... one at a time. Don't allow yourself to think about the difficulties of step number two until you've executed step number one.

Worry is a very natural and spontaneous instinct, so don't be too hard on yourself if you fin yourself within its grip. Just make sure you take some measures you help you see things in a calmer, clearer and more productive way.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Embracing Challenges

None of us can avoid challenges. It is one of the irrefutable truths that life doesn't stay rosy for long. Even for those of us who are blessed with lengthy periods of undisturbed bliss, there will come a time when summer sun must wane, the leaves will fall, and we must prepare to endure a period of cold and darkness.

Challenges are inevitable. Whenever life presents a challenge, do you ignore it? Or do you embrace it? If it is your practice to consistently ignore the challenges that come your way, you can be sure they will emerge again and again, and in more daunting forms.

Consider a case of financial difficulty, for example, which requires a period of belt-tightening and sacrifice. If you choose to ignore the challenge and continue to live on credit, you can be sure that you financial situation will only get worse. But what if you choose to embrace the challenge instead? Come up with a plan to reduce costs, change your habits and lifestyle, monetize one of your skills. You would not only survive the crisis in a stable financial position, you will probably have even more money than before! And because you have a sound financial security infrastructure in place, the next time a financial challenge comes along, you would be better placed to deal with it. This is growth. This is self-improvement.

What about the other challenges in life?

For example, if you fall sick easily or often feel weak and tired, think about what aspects of your lifestyle may be causing it. Could you get into a fitness routine, wean yourself off addictive substances and try to eat more healthy? The beginning will be tough, but all it takes is action and commitment, and believe me, the new you that will emerge from this will not believe why you didn't start sooner! You may have been convinced that your former life was what you needed, but once you let it go, whole new opportunities will open up for you. Once dull and tasteless things will give you new pleasures. You will feel better, be happier and more efficient.

Think of other aspects of your life you can change for the better. What about your fears? Fear of being alone, fear of letting your parents down, fear of switching careers, fear of failure, fear of expressing yourself, fear of putting yourself out there, fear of being the person you really are? How many times has life thrown challenges at you to help you get rid of those fears and you ignored them? How are those fears keeping you trapped in a place you really don't want to be?

Challenges help you grow. They nudge out your weaknesses and force you to turn them into strengths. When overcome, they give you that priceless sense of achievement and confidence; that increasing sense of self-value that will continue to help you attain more fulfillment and success in life.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd