Stop the Bickering

Are you always bickering with your partner? Does every little thing seem to become an issue between you two? You know you truly love and care for each other, but somehow the bickering doesn't seem to stop. It's even gotten to the point where the relationship is no longer enjoyable, when it should be between two people who are in love.

So what's wrong here?

Examine the dynamics of your quarrels. Are they often triggered by seemingly trivial complains about time management, child-rearing, money or household chores? Do they turn into back-and-forth arguments where each party would argue, explain and defend? Neither of you seems to be listening to the other. It's like you're both locked in battle positions, unable to move until one party falls. Either that or you both get so exhausted that the argument dies a natural death... not resolved, unfortunately, just beaten into silence.

In this situation, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right, to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as your intensions are to control and not be controlled, you are stuck.

Later, when things quieten and you've both had time to do some soul-searching, you realize that this happens despite the fact that you love each other. But as soon as an issue come up, you stop caring about yourselves and each other. You become so intent on winning or not losing that caring goes out the window.

Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other - it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.

The next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, "Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a away for both of you to win.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd