Forgiving Therapy

When someone hurts you, there is nothing you can do to undo or reverse the hurt. You might feel that retaliation can assuage your pain, that your suffering can be made worthwhile by causing injury to your attacker, but it only keeps you stuck in a place of hatred. The grudges you harbour are like an anchor that keeps you weighted down. If you continue to hold an intense grievance, you are giving what happened in the past the power to determine your present emotional well being. Until you forgive, you will be victimized over and over again, trapped in an emotional prison, unable to move on with the rest of your life.

But do you really believe in forgiveness? Are some injuries so grievous that they should not be forgiven? Murder, for example? Or an extra marital affair? Or can everything, ultimately, be soothed by the balm of amnesty? Each one of us will have a different view of the extent and scope of forgiveness. But in order to get on with our lives, we all have to try. Even the parents of Protestant and Catholic families in Northern Ireland whose children had been killed by each other, had to find some way to reject the cycle of violence and embrace peace.

Studies have shown that there are measurable benefits to forgiveness:

For instance, forgiving is good for your health. Studies show that people who forgive more readily report fewer health problems while people who blame others for their troubles have a higher incidence of illness such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.

Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Studies of divorced people show that those who forgave their former spouse were healthier emotionally than those who chose not to forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well being and lower anxiety and depression.

If you're trying to forgive, but find it extremely difficult, don't be too hard on yourself. Remember, forgiveness is a process - it takes time and patience. You must be ready. Realize that forgiveness is for you - not for anyone else.

You also have to understand that forgiving does not mean you are condoning the actions of the offender or what they did to you. It does mean that you will blame less and find a way to think differently about what happened to you.

Forgiveness gives you the chance to leave the bad things in the past, and refocus on the positives in your life. To invest more time, energy and love on the people and things you still have.

Remember, a life well lived is the best revenge.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd