Communication Errors in a Relationships

Sometimes we wish we could read our partner's thoughts. If we could do that, we would be clearer about what they want or need, and we would be in a much better position to provide for them.

In the absence of that ability though, the next best thing would be to enjoy effective communication with our partners.

Many couples though make these key errors in their communication.

Mistake number one is communicating to manipulate. Sometimes we communicate solely to get what we want, regardless of whether the person can fulfill the request or not. We sulk, cajole, pout and do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, thought temporarily effective, has a terrible effect on the health of the relationship in the long run. Give it up, and respect what the other person has to offer. Try and see whether you can meet your own need.

Pitfall number two is communicating to deceive. Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication as it destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games, and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the foundation of a relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it, for when you are honest and fortnight, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others.

Error number three is communicating with double messages. Saying one thing and doing another is a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something, either with actions or words, and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to person's actions. Actions are always more aligned with the truth than their words. Try and understand people who don't deliver what they promise as they are probably just as confused as you are at their reactions.

Harsh words are spoken and promises may be broken, but love cannot build a strong foundation when it's trying to set up camp in an earthquake zone. Keep the eruptions to the minimum when possible, talk in love, and be truthful and sincere. Then you will see a relationship being built out of mutual respect for each other's flaws and a gracious partnership based on true knowledge of your other half.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Love vs Career

Relationships, particularly romantic ones, often end up the casualty of a work-dominated or career-focused lifestyle. These days, with both spouses often having to work, the risk of endangering the relationship is quite high. Failure to properly manage your professional and romantic roles can send cracks through the foundation of your relationship. Many couples call it a day because at the end of the very long and stressful day, they find love just a tad too exhausting to keep alive.

Many working couples boil it down to the lack of time... and though poor time management is one of the culprits, there are several other factors at play.

Many professionals are so involved with their work that it consumes their thoughts and actions. They are usually very passionate about their work and are very successful in their field. They feel respected and empowered at work and when they come home, they expect the relationship to do the same for them. Unfortunately, a happy marriage does not happen by default.

You may be the boss at the office and might not have compromise much in your professional capacity, but the dynamics are radically different when you switch back to being a spouse and a lover. If you are used to getting your way at work, you may find it difficult to negotiate at home.

The key to making a dual career relationship work is mutual respect. Honour the work that your spouse does. Never make light of it or speak poorly of it. Respect your partner's professional aspirations and don't always expect that you come first in every situation.

Coordinate your schedule with your spouse's. At least once a week, plan an activity you can both enjoy - it could be a night out, an afternoon by the beach or even a game of Scrabble. Interaction within a fun and relaxed space is crucial to keeping your relationship loving and rewarding - it reminds both of you that your marriage is more than just household or parental responsibilities.

And never stop communicating with your spouse - and I don't mean yet another reminder about fixing the car or applying for that loan - share your real emotions, dreams and hopes, even something as simple as a compliment.

Keep that special connection open.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Top Marriage Myths

Many of us have grown up with misconceptions about what makes a marriage work. We might have gotten these false ideas from observing our parents, from mainstream movies and music, from romance novels and magazines, or from friends who perpetuate the stereotypes that they themselves have embraced into belief system without deeper evaluation.

These are the top myths responsible for the disintegration of marriages:

First, the myth that your spouse should automatically know what you want and need. Now if this were true, your partner would have to be able to read your mind. So don't tow this tired old line... communicate your needs and wants honestly to your spouse, instead of expecting him or her to second guess your desires.

Another marriage myth assumes that your marriage would improve if only your spouse would just change his or her behaviour... you know, the nagging little habits and traits that get under your skin. This myth is damaging because you are playing a passive role... playing the "victim" while waiting for and expecting your spouse to change while not doing anything to improve yourself! To prevent this myth from destroying your marriage, work on improving yourself instead of waiting for your spouse to change. Decide to be happy with your spouse in spite of his or her shortcomings.

The next marriage myth expects you to always put your spouse's needs above your own. It demands that you always compromise your own desires and opinions in order to accommodate your spouse's, which of course is not sustainable because it's illogical. How long can you keep sacrificing yourself before you start to feel resentful? How long before your spouse begins to take your consistent submissions for granted? To bust this myth, make sure you respect both your spouse's needs and your own. Work on finding a middle ground where both of you can find some agreement.

And this final marriage myth assumes that your spouse should always, in all areas, contribute to half of the marriage - in terms of income, household work, managing the kids, and so on. Needless to say, this kind of strictly calculated system does not work when it comes to human beings. Of course there has to be space for flexibility.

When it comes to your marriage, don't blindly follow the stereotypes you have absorbed from other sources... Use your heart and your head.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Trusting Your Instinct

Many decisions in life are not clear-cut. Even with adequate information on hand, there may not be an obviously superior option.

During these times, all we can rely on is our instinct. Most of us though, tend to suppress our instinct as we grow older. Life has perhaps discourages spontaneity and risk-taking in favour of caution and pre-meditation. A prudent safety measure I guess, but have we perhaps become too "safe"?

Professional athletes, musicians, actors, dancers and others in non-academic fields often have keenly-honed instincts. They have learnt to trust and depend on their spontaneity to perform at their best. The rest of us though, have very under-developed instincts because we hardly use them.

A finely-tuned instinct though is very important as, very often in Life, things are not cut-and dried. Information, logic and reason can only take us so far, but there comes a point when they can guide us no more. That is when our gut feel comes into play.

You have probably felt the power of your instinct when meeting someone for the first time, or when having to make a last-minute decision.... often situations in which there is no or limited information available to you. You will discover that as you allow your natural instinct back into your consciousness, you will become more effective as a person, a worker, and a leader. You will be less likely to be caught into limbo. You will be seen as more decisive and more sincere.

To develop your instinct, you have to become more self-aware. Stop ignoring and suppressing your feelings. Embrace them instead. Experiment with your instinct in making small, everyday choices. Stop over-thinking your decisions.

Learn to listen to yourself more attentively. Tune your consciousness to more clearly hear your inner voice. IN your daily interactions with the world, ask yourself "What am I feeling now?", "How do I really feel about this?"

Experts and researchers have estimated that 90% of critical decisions are based on your intuition.

Trust and develop your instinct and it will serve you well.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

The Four Quarters of Effective Time-Management

It seems there's always more and more to do, but we're not getting more time to do it. We each have our own way of managing this limited time, but many of these methods can be very stressful.

The problem is that these tight schedules often advance our corporate of financial goals but starve us of emotional and spiritual nourishment. This model of time-management is not sustainable as it's skewed towards certain needs and not others.

The key then to an effective time-management model is balance. If you divide your life into four quarters, they would roughly fall into these broad categories:

First, your basic needs - this quarter contains all the essential things your physical body needs in order to function efficiently. This includes things like wholesome foods, quality sleep, enough water and exercise and so on.

The next quarter comprises our creative faculties. This mainly includes our store of knowledge, talents and skills, but can consist of anything creative or inspirational like new ideas, empowering attitudes and self-improvement practices. This quarter also includes work and projects that help develop our skills.

The third quarter is concerned primarily with intellectual thought. It is different from the creative quarter because it doesn't include any action. This is pure thinking - things like introspection, evaluation of the people and things around you, planning, problem-solving, analyzing, learning and decision-making. This quarter is also heavily involved with the metaphysical or the philosophical realms of your being - what's our purpose? What gives our lives meaning? This quarter is what gives passion and intent to our activities.

The final quarter involves our relationships - with our partners, our kin, our friends, our colleagues and associates. The activities we engage in that involve or are related to them - the time we spend with them, the love and care we show them, the conversations we have with them, the emotional rewards that we get from quality relationships.

Spread your time equally among these four quarters and you are well on your way to achieving the success and happiness you want.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd