In life, there will be great misfortunes that require immense effort to deal with. And we sometimes suffer grave injuries that take a long time to heal.
For some of us though, the grievances that exhaust our energy, spirit and time are trivial ones - petty hurts that are really any bites on the soul, yet can cause a lot of physical harm and mental anguish.
Perhaps we find a co-worker irritating. We expect something of our partner and he or she does not deliver. Someone we help turns out to be unappreciative, some insult about our appearance or intelligence is passed, or some reward we think we deserve is denied us.
Our mental tranquility is upset, our work gets affected, we lose appetite and sleep, we sulk and become listless. And because these little hurts are common, they quickly accumulate in our minds, and grow huge and irrepressible from constant brooding.
As a result, we lost many precious hours pondering and fretting over things that have no real bearing on the quality of our lives - things, that in a month, a day or even a second, may matter little, if at all.
Besides, if we take the time to contemplate these perceived trespasses, we will come to realise that most of them only happen in our minds.
Think about the last event, situation or person that upset you. How much of that stress was really just taking place inside your head? How much of it was over-embellishment and loss of focus due to hours of excessive analysis?
Instead of indulging a mind on overdrive, force yourself to distil what's truly stressing you and write it down. What is the thing that upsetting you?
Once you have that written down... ask yourself... is it true? For example, if what your partner said this morning made you question his or her love for you, think about it rationally. Is it really true? Do you absolutely know it's true? How did imagining this "truth" make you feel? How would you be feeling if you didn't indulge this negative thought?
Would you be happier, more loving, more forgiving, more capable of appreciating the good?
I wouldn't go to say that all our grievances happen only in our minds. But most of them do. The next time you find yourself getting upset with something or someone, do yourself a favour. See the truth... don't over-think it.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Showing posts with label Expectation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Expectation. Show all posts
Managing Disappoitnment
We often create expectations concerning what we will receive from others, life or even from ourselves. And when we don't get them, as sometimes the case, we are disappointed. Occasionally, when what we want is something we deeply desire, we can be mortally upset.
We can also feel that we've been "had", been "used" or cheated.
We feel this way when things do not happen the way we expected, or more often, when others are not who we expected them to be. We develop expectations, and then feel cheated when we they are not fulfilled.
When we succumb to such emotions, we often give up making any further effort, which stunts our growth. Sometimes, these feelings of "injustice" can lead us to destructive thoughts or behaviour.
In order to manage disappointment, we have to first understand that we are all in a process of evolution and that no one is perfect. It is unreasonable to expect or demand perfection from ourselves or others. We would not be here in this... let's call it "work in progress" if we did not have much to improve.
Have faith in the flow of life. There is a greater wisdom that drives this world... in fact, other "world" as well.
We may never fully comprehend how that wisdom works, but there's no doubt it's here. What we know as chemical science today was once deemed magic or witchcraft. Many of our gadgets today would make us appear like gods to ancient societies. And what we sum up to "positive thinking" or new age hocus-pocus today could one day reveal themselves to be the work of actual brain waves or physiological energies that are perfectly grounded in science and fact.
When we are independent, we need less from others and will expect less from them And when we expect less, we appreciate more. And we naturally experience less disappointment.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
We can also feel that we've been "had", been "used" or cheated.
We feel this way when things do not happen the way we expected, or more often, when others are not who we expected them to be. We develop expectations, and then feel cheated when we they are not fulfilled.
When we succumb to such emotions, we often give up making any further effort, which stunts our growth. Sometimes, these feelings of "injustice" can lead us to destructive thoughts or behaviour.
In order to manage disappointment, we have to first understand that we are all in a process of evolution and that no one is perfect. It is unreasonable to expect or demand perfection from ourselves or others. We would not be here in this... let's call it "work in progress" if we did not have much to improve.
Have faith in the flow of life. There is a greater wisdom that drives this world... in fact, other "world" as well.
We may never fully comprehend how that wisdom works, but there's no doubt it's here. What we know as chemical science today was once deemed magic or witchcraft. Many of our gadgets today would make us appear like gods to ancient societies. And what we sum up to "positive thinking" or new age hocus-pocus today could one day reveal themselves to be the work of actual brain waves or physiological energies that are perfectly grounded in science and fact.
When we are independent, we need less from others and will expect less from them And when we expect less, we appreciate more. And we naturally experience less disappointment.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Enhancing Your Effectiveness
"Time is precious."
"Be thankful for each day."
"Make the most of each moment."
Most of us have heard these phrases and philosophies and on some level, we understand what they mean. Yet, many of us still spend our time like drifting nomads, allowing the weather, availability of resources or whatever to dictate where we go instead of planning our destinations and charting our own routes.
This can happen when we get lulled into the humdrum of modern life.
Especially if you're in a job you don't have a passion for. After some time, you become numb, working purely for the pay and everyday seems to drag on without expectation or intention.
How can we find the spark again and enhance our effectiveness and verve?
Well, make it a habit to make everyday as productive as you possibly can. When you are productive, you feel vital and useful and this is a very empowering feeling. Be deliberate about it. If there's nothing of significance on your to-do list, find something. Decide on one main purpose a day. Make that your priority and make sure you do it. This gives you the feeling of always moving ahead.
In life, we will sometimes be called on to perform tasks we wouldn't normally find engaging, but put your heart into them anyway and you will be surprised at how interesting and satisfying they can become. Rather than sighing your way through another routine assignment, try looking out for something different, something hidden in the details. Try doing just a bit more, asking a few more questions, giving a little more value. You'll probably discover a lot of value you never realised was inherent in the task before!
Opportunities are present every day... at every moment, even. You only need to look out for them. Most of us are so used to brushing off opportunities that we're missing out on them on a daily basis without even knowing it. Just try an experiment - for one day, make a note of anything of remote interest, from the media, from your colleagues, from places and so on.
At the end of the day, go through your list and think how each of them can make you more knowledgeable, more valuable or more efficient. Mix them around, combine them, brainstorm some ideas! There's probably a great business or work idea in there somewhere.
Don't allow tedium and routine to take root in your life. Take control of the reins and lead your life with more joy and expectation!
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
"Be thankful for each day."
"Make the most of each moment."
Most of us have heard these phrases and philosophies and on some level, we understand what they mean. Yet, many of us still spend our time like drifting nomads, allowing the weather, availability of resources or whatever to dictate where we go instead of planning our destinations and charting our own routes.
This can happen when we get lulled into the humdrum of modern life.
Especially if you're in a job you don't have a passion for. After some time, you become numb, working purely for the pay and everyday seems to drag on without expectation or intention.
How can we find the spark again and enhance our effectiveness and verve?
Well, make it a habit to make everyday as productive as you possibly can. When you are productive, you feel vital and useful and this is a very empowering feeling. Be deliberate about it. If there's nothing of significance on your to-do list, find something. Decide on one main purpose a day. Make that your priority and make sure you do it. This gives you the feeling of always moving ahead.
In life, we will sometimes be called on to perform tasks we wouldn't normally find engaging, but put your heart into them anyway and you will be surprised at how interesting and satisfying they can become. Rather than sighing your way through another routine assignment, try looking out for something different, something hidden in the details. Try doing just a bit more, asking a few more questions, giving a little more value. You'll probably discover a lot of value you never realised was inherent in the task before!
Opportunities are present every day... at every moment, even. You only need to look out for them. Most of us are so used to brushing off opportunities that we're missing out on them on a daily basis without even knowing it. Just try an experiment - for one day, make a note of anything of remote interest, from the media, from your colleagues, from places and so on.
At the end of the day, go through your list and think how each of them can make you more knowledgeable, more valuable or more efficient. Mix them around, combine them, brainstorm some ideas! There's probably a great business or work idea in there somewhere.
Don't allow tedium and routine to take root in your life. Take control of the reins and lead your life with more joy and expectation!
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Stop Comparing Yourself With Others
We've all, at some point, compared ourselves with others and ended up feeling inferior or discontented. Talk about self-torture!
Whether it's someone's looks, social status, talents, popularity, car, fame, or body, most of us do this without really thinking about what we're doing, but think about how often you do it, and you will realize just how frequently you are dis-empowering yourself.
Comparing ourselves with others erodes our confidence and self-worth. This stops us from achieving all that we're capable of in life.
When we compare ourselves with someone and it makes us feel inadequate, we may feel that we shoudl be achieving the same results. Now this sounds like a positive thing if envy can drive us to fulfill the same goals, then why not?
Well, envy and inferiority are such powerful emotions that it can make us feel as though besides our goals, everything else is unimportant, even our loved ones, or values like honesty and integrity, even human life. Dictators and other power-hungry individuals have often been driven by envy and self-loathing to reach the pinnacle of power by all means necessary.
Envy and inferiority also cause us to blindly pursue aims that in the end, we may find we really didn't want in the first place. Our focus had been on other people's goals, what they'd wanted, what they'd achieved. Lost in a cloud of envy, we failed to think about our own aspirations.
Think about the people you might be envying - that millionaire entrepreneur, that influential politician, that top housing agent, that up-and-coming actor, that hot young athlete. Deep down inside, is that what you really want to be? Would you be willing to sacrifice your own passion, values, and integrity to gain what you have gained? Would you be able to give up what they'd given up in order to achieve their goals? Would you really be happy if you had what they have?
When comparing ourselves with others makes us feel inadequate, we are also less likely to take action to see how much we are capable of. When we feel and think small, we're less likely to venture out, in case we get trampled on. It's much easier to say "I will never be able to do that!" than actually taking a risk and making an attempt. But we can only reach our potential by trying and taking risks and keeping at it.
If you truly want to be happy and successful, stop comparing yourself with others. Blindly chasing other people's definitions of success can never make you happy. Think about your own definition of success. Pursue and live your own version.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Whether it's someone's looks, social status, talents, popularity, car, fame, or body, most of us do this without really thinking about what we're doing, but think about how often you do it, and you will realize just how frequently you are dis-empowering yourself.
Comparing ourselves with others erodes our confidence and self-worth. This stops us from achieving all that we're capable of in life.
When we compare ourselves with someone and it makes us feel inadequate, we may feel that we shoudl be achieving the same results. Now this sounds like a positive thing if envy can drive us to fulfill the same goals, then why not?
Well, envy and inferiority are such powerful emotions that it can make us feel as though besides our goals, everything else is unimportant, even our loved ones, or values like honesty and integrity, even human life. Dictators and other power-hungry individuals have often been driven by envy and self-loathing to reach the pinnacle of power by all means necessary.
Envy and inferiority also cause us to blindly pursue aims that in the end, we may find we really didn't want in the first place. Our focus had been on other people's goals, what they'd wanted, what they'd achieved. Lost in a cloud of envy, we failed to think about our own aspirations.
Think about the people you might be envying - that millionaire entrepreneur, that influential politician, that top housing agent, that up-and-coming actor, that hot young athlete. Deep down inside, is that what you really want to be? Would you be willing to sacrifice your own passion, values, and integrity to gain what you have gained? Would you be able to give up what they'd given up in order to achieve their goals? Would you really be happy if you had what they have?
When comparing ourselves with others makes us feel inadequate, we are also less likely to take action to see how much we are capable of. When we feel and think small, we're less likely to venture out, in case we get trampled on. It's much easier to say "I will never be able to do that!" than actually taking a risk and making an attempt. But we can only reach our potential by trying and taking risks and keeping at it.
If you truly want to be happy and successful, stop comparing yourself with others. Blindly chasing other people's definitions of success can never make you happy. Think about your own definition of success. Pursue and live your own version.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Self-fulfilling Prophecy
You have probably heard of the self-fulfilling prophecy. a key psychological concept, it's basically a perception or mindset that causes itself to become true due to actions or behaviour motivated by that very perception.
It was sociologist Robert K. Merton coined the term in his book Social Theory and Social Structure, Merton gives as an example of the self-fulfilling prophecy - when Roxanna falsely believes that her marriage will fail and fears such failure will occur that it actually causes the marriage to fail.
Similarly, we can affect our reality through the way we perceive it. If you think, I'm going to have lousy day," you are likely to alter your actions so that your prediction is fulfilled by your actions. You might, for instance (in reflection of your ominous mood), dress shabbily, dawdle through breakfast, miss your train as a result, then rush into the office, knocking into your boss and upsetting his coffee. I will leave it to you to storyboard the rest of the day. Probably not pretty, methinks.
How others perceive us is also strongly influenced by how we perceive ourselves. For example, when people congratulate or compliment you, do you respond "Oh it was nothing" or "This old thing?" Whether it's low self-esteem or Confucian humility at work here, you are not doing yourself any favours. Say it often enough and people will start believing that you do "nothing" and wear "old things".
There is no need for verbal fanfare; when people compliment you, just a simple "thank you" will do.
Stop downplaying your skills. Respect and recognize your talents and achievements. If you believe you are worth that amount, then it's likely others will believe it too.
Even if you don't think you are worth it now, you have to believe that you can improve yourself to deserve that price tag in the future.
Positive self-talk is crucial in self-transformation. Replace uncertain terms like "maybe" and "I dont't know" with confident, self-assuring ones like "I can" and "I will".
The words you say to yourself and others, your thoughts and perceptions exert a profound effect on your behaviour and mood, and eventually your reality. Take care that you do not unintentionally fulfill a negative prophecy by thinking it into reality.
It was sociologist Robert K. Merton coined the term in his book Social Theory and Social Structure, Merton gives as an example of the self-fulfilling prophecy - when Roxanna falsely believes that her marriage will fail and fears such failure will occur that it actually causes the marriage to fail.
Similarly, we can affect our reality through the way we perceive it. If you think, I'm going to have lousy day," you are likely to alter your actions so that your prediction is fulfilled by your actions. You might, for instance (in reflection of your ominous mood), dress shabbily, dawdle through breakfast, miss your train as a result, then rush into the office, knocking into your boss and upsetting his coffee. I will leave it to you to storyboard the rest of the day. Probably not pretty, methinks.
How others perceive us is also strongly influenced by how we perceive ourselves. For example, when people congratulate or compliment you, do you respond "Oh it was nothing" or "This old thing?" Whether it's low self-esteem or Confucian humility at work here, you are not doing yourself any favours. Say it often enough and people will start believing that you do "nothing" and wear "old things".
There is no need for verbal fanfare; when people compliment you, just a simple "thank you" will do.
Stop downplaying your skills. Respect and recognize your talents and achievements. If you believe you are worth that amount, then it's likely others will believe it too.
Even if you don't think you are worth it now, you have to believe that you can improve yourself to deserve that price tag in the future.
Positive self-talk is crucial in self-transformation. Replace uncertain terms like "maybe" and "I dont't know" with confident, self-assuring ones like "I can" and "I will".
The words you say to yourself and others, your thoughts and perceptions exert a profound effect on your behaviour and mood, and eventually your reality. Take care that you do not unintentionally fulfill a negative prophecy by thinking it into reality.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Handling Bad Days
In our pursuit of daily happiness, we are sometimes faced with one of the most daunting truths of all - that some days will inevitably be bad. Your alarm clock runs out of power during the night, your usb drive crashes, the cat scratches the new couch, you are late for an important sales presentation and of course, you are caught in the most massive traffic jam of your life.
Yes, bad days do happen, and most times, the day seems to freakishly get worse and worse. That's because these kinks throws us off our stride; when the first salvo strives, we lose our calm and orientation, and because we are so frazzled, we are less likely to see the next pothole. Down we go again...
It's understandably tough to keep our spirits up on days like this, and our sullen disposition can cause us to unintentionally offend key people in our lives. You get the idea... most bad days seem to go on forever because we allow the negative emotions to stay with us. And the more we hold on these feelings, the more trouble they invite.
The problem is that we often allow bad days to narrow our vision. We slide into self-pity and start to believe that things are just about the worst they can get. We forget about how good our lives really are and just how much we really have. We allow a little mess or an insensitive person to make us angry with ourselves and the world.
But you know, in truth, most bad days are really not so tough. What's a lost account, or a spat with a colleague, when there are people out there dealing with cancer, disability, or the recent death of a loved one? Everyday, babies are born into poor or disadvantaged conditions... many of them having to live with disfigurement or disease because of the lack of basic medical care... millions whose lives are a struggle everyday... and here we are, perfectly health and able, living free, modern, comfortable lives and bemoaning the state of our day?
It's only human I guess... When things are good, it's easy to see a petty trouble as an unjust intrusion. But life is too short and too precious to be living in anger or resentment.
So the next time your day seems to take a bad turn, remember... you can choose not to react negatively. You have the power not to respond the same way an angry or resentful person might respond. If it's a rude or ignorant person you are facing, you can choose to ignore him and walk away.
Put the situation in perspective and react in a manner in accordance with its magnitude. How can you best deal with the problem? Is it truly worth considering? What's the next best thing you can do to remedy the situation? Can the lemon indeed be turned into a sponge pudding?
As writer and Holocaust victim Anne Frank once wrote: "Our very lives are fashioned by choice. First we make choices. Then our choices make us."
What choices will you make?
Yes, bad days do happen, and most times, the day seems to freakishly get worse and worse. That's because these kinks throws us off our stride; when the first salvo strives, we lose our calm and orientation, and because we are so frazzled, we are less likely to see the next pothole. Down we go again...
It's understandably tough to keep our spirits up on days like this, and our sullen disposition can cause us to unintentionally offend key people in our lives. You get the idea... most bad days seem to go on forever because we allow the negative emotions to stay with us. And the more we hold on these feelings, the more trouble they invite.
The problem is that we often allow bad days to narrow our vision. We slide into self-pity and start to believe that things are just about the worst they can get. We forget about how good our lives really are and just how much we really have. We allow a little mess or an insensitive person to make us angry with ourselves and the world.
But you know, in truth, most bad days are really not so tough. What's a lost account, or a spat with a colleague, when there are people out there dealing with cancer, disability, or the recent death of a loved one? Everyday, babies are born into poor or disadvantaged conditions... many of them having to live with disfigurement or disease because of the lack of basic medical care... millions whose lives are a struggle everyday... and here we are, perfectly health and able, living free, modern, comfortable lives and bemoaning the state of our day?
It's only human I guess... When things are good, it's easy to see a petty trouble as an unjust intrusion. But life is too short and too precious to be living in anger or resentment.
So the next time your day seems to take a bad turn, remember... you can choose not to react negatively. You have the power not to respond the same way an angry or resentful person might respond. If it's a rude or ignorant person you are facing, you can choose to ignore him and walk away.
Put the situation in perspective and react in a manner in accordance with its magnitude. How can you best deal with the problem? Is it truly worth considering? What's the next best thing you can do to remedy the situation? Can the lemon indeed be turned into a sponge pudding?
As writer and Holocaust victim Anne Frank once wrote: "Our very lives are fashioned by choice. First we make choices. Then our choices make us."
What choices will you make?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Dealing With Criticism
It seems the young people of today hate being criticized. This according to a new study by the University of New Hampshire. Apparently, this is due to "an over-inflated sense of entitlement stemming from being constantly told from birth they are special and as a result now believe it - and will ignore anybody who says other wise."
Well, to be fair, nobody actually enjoys being criticized, but there is value in criticism that youths these days, dubbed Generation Y, are missing. These "unjustified levels of self-esteem" it seems, "masks the ugly reality" and has led to "higher levels of depression and chronic disappointment".
It's not a affliction that's exclusive to generation Y though... many of us in the older age brackets are similarly averse to criticism. But no all criticism is useless or bad for us... in fact, you can often find something valuable in any criticism. even if the critic is purely trying to discourage you, you can learn to pick out the valid points of his remarks and beat him at his game by coming out the eventual winner.
The truth is, people who criticize you simply for the sadistic fun of it are in the minority. Most peopel do so because they genuinely feel that something's not right in their opinion. Sure, you don't have to agree with them, but if you simply ignore the criticism, you are probably missing something that could help you improve yourself or your product or service. It could even be a major flaw or a festering wound that you didn't notice yourself. We really should be grateful for such volunteer troubleshooters!
Of course, the criticism is not always delivered in the most harmonious of tones. And the harsh and blunt manner in which criticism is conveyed is what most people react angrily to. So learn to respond to criticism, not the way it's delivered. Don't kill the messenger, as they say. Instead, consider the useful points that can be extracted from the message.
It also helps greatly not take the criticism personally. Remember, it's the issue the person is talking about, or the aspect of you or your product or service he's unhappy with.
If someone is truly out to bring you down, he probably won't tell you where you went wrong. If he bothers to say something, chances are, there really is something that requires your attention, or that he cares enough about you or your product to help you plug the leak before it sinks the ship.
So don't simply dismiss the criticism that comes your way. Learn how to use it to reach greater heights.
Well, to be fair, nobody actually enjoys being criticized, but there is value in criticism that youths these days, dubbed Generation Y, are missing. These "unjustified levels of self-esteem" it seems, "masks the ugly reality" and has led to "higher levels of depression and chronic disappointment".
It's not a affliction that's exclusive to generation Y though... many of us in the older age brackets are similarly averse to criticism. But no all criticism is useless or bad for us... in fact, you can often find something valuable in any criticism. even if the critic is purely trying to discourage you, you can learn to pick out the valid points of his remarks and beat him at his game by coming out the eventual winner.
The truth is, people who criticize you simply for the sadistic fun of it are in the minority. Most peopel do so because they genuinely feel that something's not right in their opinion. Sure, you don't have to agree with them, but if you simply ignore the criticism, you are probably missing something that could help you improve yourself or your product or service. It could even be a major flaw or a festering wound that you didn't notice yourself. We really should be grateful for such volunteer troubleshooters!
Of course, the criticism is not always delivered in the most harmonious of tones. And the harsh and blunt manner in which criticism is conveyed is what most people react angrily to. So learn to respond to criticism, not the way it's delivered. Don't kill the messenger, as they say. Instead, consider the useful points that can be extracted from the message.
It also helps greatly not take the criticism personally. Remember, it's the issue the person is talking about, or the aspect of you or your product or service he's unhappy with.
If someone is truly out to bring you down, he probably won't tell you where you went wrong. If he bothers to say something, chances are, there really is something that requires your attention, or that he cares enough about you or your product to help you plug the leak before it sinks the ship.
So don't simply dismiss the criticism that comes your way. Learn how to use it to reach greater heights.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Stop Talking Negatively to Yourself
It's a surprising statistic, but studies have shown that on average we make between 300 and 400 self-evaluations per day. And that's not even the most starting part... apparently, out of those 300 to 400 self-assessments, about 80% are negative.
The numbers might seem incredulous but if we take into account all the sub-conscious and non-verbal messages we send ourselves, we begin to have a good idea of the amount of negative self-talk we engage in.
Here are some things one typically says to oneself, whether aloud or as a passing thought, when one makes a mistake...
"That was stupid! Why am I always messing things up? That's so embarrassing!"
We may not take these episodes into consideration, but when it happens often enough, it weakens our self-confidence.
Self-confidence is an invaluable asset we all need in a competitive, fast-changing world. We need to be able to bounce back from mistakes. It's the only way to learn, the only route to success. Unfortunately, most of us are best at making ourselves feel worse.
Even during those rare moments when we do take credit for good work done, the self-praise doesn't last long. Often we give away our credit, saying things like "Oh I was just lucky!" or "It wasn't just me, I had a lot of help!". It may be a cultural thing, Confucian perhaps, that we tend to discount our successes and play up our incompetence. It almost seems like the polite thing to do.
Well, polite or not, it's not doing any good for you. If you are always selling yourself short, you are also always looking for friends, colleagues, bosses, and partners who will make up for or affirm your lack of self-esteem. It is almost like you are setting yourself up for failure. Not to mention leaving control over your emotions and self-image in the hands of others.
There is virtue in humility, but we must also learn not to allow negative self-talk to ruin our self-esteem and chances of greater success and joy.
The next time you make a mistake, or do something you feel is not proper or right, try thinking about your strategy for the future. Focus on what you can do better, not on the disappointment and frustration of the error. The more you dwell on a mis-step, the more likely you are going to repeat it. But if you pay more attention to improvement, you are much more likely to keep enhancing your performance.
The numbers might seem incredulous but if we take into account all the sub-conscious and non-verbal messages we send ourselves, we begin to have a good idea of the amount of negative self-talk we engage in.
Here are some things one typically says to oneself, whether aloud or as a passing thought, when one makes a mistake...
"That was stupid! Why am I always messing things up? That's so embarrassing!"
We may not take these episodes into consideration, but when it happens often enough, it weakens our self-confidence.
Self-confidence is an invaluable asset we all need in a competitive, fast-changing world. We need to be able to bounce back from mistakes. It's the only way to learn, the only route to success. Unfortunately, most of us are best at making ourselves feel worse.
Even during those rare moments when we do take credit for good work done, the self-praise doesn't last long. Often we give away our credit, saying things like "Oh I was just lucky!" or "It wasn't just me, I had a lot of help!". It may be a cultural thing, Confucian perhaps, that we tend to discount our successes and play up our incompetence. It almost seems like the polite thing to do.
Well, polite or not, it's not doing any good for you. If you are always selling yourself short, you are also always looking for friends, colleagues, bosses, and partners who will make up for or affirm your lack of self-esteem. It is almost like you are setting yourself up for failure. Not to mention leaving control over your emotions and self-image in the hands of others.
There is virtue in humility, but we must also learn not to allow negative self-talk to ruin our self-esteem and chances of greater success and joy.
The next time you make a mistake, or do something you feel is not proper or right, try thinking about your strategy for the future. Focus on what you can do better, not on the disappointment and frustration of the error. The more you dwell on a mis-step, the more likely you are going to repeat it. But if you pay more attention to improvement, you are much more likely to keep enhancing your performance.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
More Choice, More Stress?
Hundreds of TV channels. Millions of YouTube videos. Hundreds of thousands of iPhone apps. Not to mention a giddy range of mobile phones, digicams, and other consumer goods at the ever-increasing number of super duper mega malls.
We live in an era of unprecedented freedom and choice. And most people would say that having more options is a good thing. But is it really? Does it really improve the quality of our lives? Or are our lives becoming increasingly complex because of the overload of choices? What about discontentment? Are we demanding more, appreciating less, and always seeking the best such that we think that our present lot is never good enough?
Freedom of choice can be a good thing, but we are slowly discovering that it has a limit. There is a point at which it becomes a burden. Excessive choice can set you up to have expectations too high for satisfaction. Is this also happening in our relationships? Can no one live up to our expectations because we are looking for the elusive "ideal" mate?
As the number of choices keep growing, there is an increase in stress, decision-making dilemmas, anxiety, fears and disappointments. The more we have, the more we want, the more that's available, the more we crave.
Now this might sound regressive, but what if we consider embracing certain constraints on our freedom of choice instead of rebelling against all of them? Like with making music, having certain structures and rules helps us to create harmony. Maintaining some discipline in our lives, for example, can help us achieve more success and health.
What about appreciating what we already have instead of hankering after what we don't? Human nature is such that we tend to get used to and get bored with what we have, leading us to want more and more and to seek greater and higher thrills. So try embracing and appreciating the finer points of what is already "good enough" in your life.
Many of us are also too preoccupied with what others are doing - what they are buying, who they are dating, how they seem to be happier than us and so on. This only makes us more frustrated with our own lives. So what if we paid less attention to others and started focusing more on our own lives and what we can do to improve them?
So if more choice is bringing you more confusion, try simplifying your life. Take a closer look at what you already have in your life. Aren't there positive aspects of them you have perhaps neglected? How can you love them more?
We live in an era of unprecedented freedom and choice. And most people would say that having more options is a good thing. But is it really? Does it really improve the quality of our lives? Or are our lives becoming increasingly complex because of the overload of choices? What about discontentment? Are we demanding more, appreciating less, and always seeking the best such that we think that our present lot is never good enough?
Freedom of choice can be a good thing, but we are slowly discovering that it has a limit. There is a point at which it becomes a burden. Excessive choice can set you up to have expectations too high for satisfaction. Is this also happening in our relationships? Can no one live up to our expectations because we are looking for the elusive "ideal" mate?
As the number of choices keep growing, there is an increase in stress, decision-making dilemmas, anxiety, fears and disappointments. The more we have, the more we want, the more that's available, the more we crave.
Now this might sound regressive, but what if we consider embracing certain constraints on our freedom of choice instead of rebelling against all of them? Like with making music, having certain structures and rules helps us to create harmony. Maintaining some discipline in our lives, for example, can help us achieve more success and health.
What about appreciating what we already have instead of hankering after what we don't? Human nature is such that we tend to get used to and get bored with what we have, leading us to want more and more and to seek greater and higher thrills. So try embracing and appreciating the finer points of what is already "good enough" in your life.
Many of us are also too preoccupied with what others are doing - what they are buying, who they are dating, how they seem to be happier than us and so on. This only makes us more frustrated with our own lives. So what if we paid less attention to others and started focusing more on our own lives and what we can do to improve them?
So if more choice is bringing you more confusion, try simplifying your life. Take a closer look at what you already have in your life. Aren't there positive aspects of them you have perhaps neglected? How can you love them more?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Highest Desire
In our daily intereactions with others, be they with our spouse, our children, our parents, our colleagues, our friends or our bosses, we sometimes lose the plot. By this I mean that we often get overcome by emotions, distracted by petty sidelines, and forget our focus.
Let's say you have a dispute with our spouse or partner. The primary factor in this relationship, the reason why you're both in it, is to love and be loved. But very often we get ingrained in other stuff - the need to be right for instance - and that kills the highest intention you had when you first met, began courting and decided that you would like to spend more time with each other.
Ultimately, you love this person and this person loves you. That should be the most important outcome, should not it? When you keep your focus on this, the dispute becomes secondary - unimportant and definitely not worth straining your relationship over.
It's probably easier to understand this with someone you love. But what about with your colleagues, whom you don't love? Well, not romantically anyway...
Again, what is your highest intention, the highest desire? Is it to win your point of view at any cost? Is it to be seen the most capable employee in the company? Is it to earn a simple living so you focus on other aspects of life you cherish more? Or is it to rise through the ranks and one day own your own business? Is it to build respect? Or to be recognised for your talents and abilities? Focus on the highest outcome. When you do this, you send subtle, unseen signals to your colleagues and your bosses and they will begin to show you the very thing you want.
What about the kids?
With kids, the same principles applies - what is the utmost intention? Is it to force them into doing what you want right now or to have them willingly co-operate and grow up into well rounded, responsible people who can think for themselves and make their own decision?
Our relationships can be beneficial and rewarding. We just have to focus on the highest desire - what is the highest outcome you could have in this situation? What's most important?
Let's say you have a dispute with our spouse or partner. The primary factor in this relationship, the reason why you're both in it, is to love and be loved. But very often we get ingrained in other stuff - the need to be right for instance - and that kills the highest intention you had when you first met, began courting and decided that you would like to spend more time with each other.
Ultimately, you love this person and this person loves you. That should be the most important outcome, should not it? When you keep your focus on this, the dispute becomes secondary - unimportant and definitely not worth straining your relationship over.
It's probably easier to understand this with someone you love. But what about with your colleagues, whom you don't love? Well, not romantically anyway...
Again, what is your highest intention, the highest desire? Is it to win your point of view at any cost? Is it to be seen the most capable employee in the company? Is it to earn a simple living so you focus on other aspects of life you cherish more? Or is it to rise through the ranks and one day own your own business? Is it to build respect? Or to be recognised for your talents and abilities? Focus on the highest outcome. When you do this, you send subtle, unseen signals to your colleagues and your bosses and they will begin to show you the very thing you want.
What about the kids?
With kids, the same principles applies - what is the utmost intention? Is it to force them into doing what you want right now or to have them willingly co-operate and grow up into well rounded, responsible people who can think for themselves and make their own decision?
Our relationships can be beneficial and rewarding. We just have to focus on the highest desire - what is the highest outcome you could have in this situation? What's most important?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Overcoming the Fear of Rejection
The fear of rejection is more prevalent than some people would believe. In extreme cases, the anxiety is so great that the person simply retreats or crumbles into an uneasy mess.
To these people, the seemingly common and simple task of interacting with a stranger can be nerve-racking. These people are often frustrated because they are capable of success but are defeated by their fear of rejection. They have no problems being great friends with one or two people but are unable to widen their circle because they cannot seem to make new acquaintances comfortably.
So what can you do if you often face this kind of fear?
First of all, imagine the worst case scenario. Run it through in your mind. At this stage, forget about how you're going to handle rejection. Just think about the worst that could realistically happen. Our fears often take on a life of their own. However when you can stop for a moment and plan in advance, whatever does happen is usually not so bad after all.
Next, decide what rejection means. When we react emotionally to rejection we can usually come up with some awful reasons why people reject us, such as -"People disklike me", "I am a failure", "I am not worthy of their approval", "I am not good enough", and so on.
These limiting thoughts are only making things worse for you. And the thing is, only you can choose what rejection means for you. Other people can never make you feel as bad as you yourself can. So, if it's your feelings, your life, your choice, why not choose more empowering meanings? Such as - "The other person is probably feeling down, is insecure about something, or is preoccupied with a problem at the moment", or "I am the only person who's responsible for my own happiness, so I will not allow someone else to take charge". What about "How can I do better next time?" or "At the end of the day, I know that I am loved for who I am, by the people who do matter to me". Who knows, maybe you are the one making the other person nervous. Now wouldn't that be ironic?
Knowing what to say is not just a matter of what words to speak; that is only the tip of the iceberg. Ninety per cent of the solution depends on you taking charge of your emotional and mental states. The more you do this, that is, laugh at rejection in the face and continue to make your life better, the more comfortable you will be around people. Over time, you will find that the barriers to your success and happiness were not so overbearing after all.
To these people, the seemingly common and simple task of interacting with a stranger can be nerve-racking. These people are often frustrated because they are capable of success but are defeated by their fear of rejection. They have no problems being great friends with one or two people but are unable to widen their circle because they cannot seem to make new acquaintances comfortably.
So what can you do if you often face this kind of fear?
First of all, imagine the worst case scenario. Run it through in your mind. At this stage, forget about how you're going to handle rejection. Just think about the worst that could realistically happen. Our fears often take on a life of their own. However when you can stop for a moment and plan in advance, whatever does happen is usually not so bad after all.
Next, decide what rejection means. When we react emotionally to rejection we can usually come up with some awful reasons why people reject us, such as -"People disklike me", "I am a failure", "I am not worthy of their approval", "I am not good enough", and so on.
These limiting thoughts are only making things worse for you. And the thing is, only you can choose what rejection means for you. Other people can never make you feel as bad as you yourself can. So, if it's your feelings, your life, your choice, why not choose more empowering meanings? Such as - "The other person is probably feeling down, is insecure about something, or is preoccupied with a problem at the moment", or "I am the only person who's responsible for my own happiness, so I will not allow someone else to take charge". What about "How can I do better next time?" or "At the end of the day, I know that I am loved for who I am, by the people who do matter to me". Who knows, maybe you are the one making the other person nervous. Now wouldn't that be ironic?
Knowing what to say is not just a matter of what words to speak; that is only the tip of the iceberg. Ninety per cent of the solution depends on you taking charge of your emotional and mental states. The more you do this, that is, laugh at rejection in the face and continue to make your life better, the more comfortable you will be around people. Over time, you will find that the barriers to your success and happiness were not so overbearing after all.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Coping With Post-Dismissal Blues
Ok, so you've been laid off. It happens. Perhaps more so in this tough economic climate, but certainly it happens all the time.
People get fired every day for every reason imaginable. Companies downsize, streamline, synergise and your company's chief priority is to keep itself commercially viable; keeping you viable is not its responsibility at all despite what some managers may tell you. That is the harsh reality. Whatever the case, remember that you are not alone.
Besides, it may not be about you nor even your competence. Just like a relationship break-up, your dismissal does not mean that you're worthless or that you were deemed not good enough to retain. Often, the real reason could be personal or even arbitrary - if your boss wants you gone, he will make sure it happens. It may have very little to do with your values as an employee. Your boss could have been intimidated by your talent and was concerned that he could lose his job and you could be promoted. It could be a personality conflict. Or maybe company objectives or development paths have changed and your job doesn't match those changes. So stop speculating; that's sure to drive you nuts. And don't be ashamed; your value as a worker hasn't changed.
The important thing here is not to waste time or burden your peace of mind by dwelling on the dismissal, on the why's or how's. You will need a positive frame of mind in order to do your best at job interviews, and preparing yourself for those is probably the most crucial thing now.
But though you should not over-analyse the reasons for your dismissal, you should think about the lessons learnt from your stint at your former company. What mistakes should not be repeated at your next workplace? Could you maybe build more business contacts? Network more with your colleagues? Gossip less and learnt more? Acquire new skills while on the job? Go for part-time classes? Be more open to new responsibilities or courses because you can learn something from every experience?
In order to perform your best at job interviews, you need to feel your best. So instead of clogging up your mind with worry and pessimism, take the timeout as a break for you to spend more quality time with your loved ones, catch up with old friends, take up a new hobby, and so on. Don't be too quick to judge these as frivolous time-wasters; remember that opportunity can knock anywhere and in any form - just keep your eyes and ears open fro them. Be curious, ask, enquire!
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
People get fired every day for every reason imaginable. Companies downsize, streamline, synergise and your company's chief priority is to keep itself commercially viable; keeping you viable is not its responsibility at all despite what some managers may tell you. That is the harsh reality. Whatever the case, remember that you are not alone.
Besides, it may not be about you nor even your competence. Just like a relationship break-up, your dismissal does not mean that you're worthless or that you were deemed not good enough to retain. Often, the real reason could be personal or even arbitrary - if your boss wants you gone, he will make sure it happens. It may have very little to do with your values as an employee. Your boss could have been intimidated by your talent and was concerned that he could lose his job and you could be promoted. It could be a personality conflict. Or maybe company objectives or development paths have changed and your job doesn't match those changes. So stop speculating; that's sure to drive you nuts. And don't be ashamed; your value as a worker hasn't changed.
The important thing here is not to waste time or burden your peace of mind by dwelling on the dismissal, on the why's or how's. You will need a positive frame of mind in order to do your best at job interviews, and preparing yourself for those is probably the most crucial thing now.
But though you should not over-analyse the reasons for your dismissal, you should think about the lessons learnt from your stint at your former company. What mistakes should not be repeated at your next workplace? Could you maybe build more business contacts? Network more with your colleagues? Gossip less and learnt more? Acquire new skills while on the job? Go for part-time classes? Be more open to new responsibilities or courses because you can learn something from every experience?
In order to perform your best at job interviews, you need to feel your best. So instead of clogging up your mind with worry and pessimism, take the timeout as a break for you to spend more quality time with your loved ones, catch up with old friends, take up a new hobby, and so on. Don't be too quick to judge these as frivolous time-wasters; remember that opportunity can knock anywhere and in any form - just keep your eyes and ears open fro them. Be curious, ask, enquire!
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Keeping Pessimism At Bay
For many of us, an attitude of pessimism is a form of self-defense. If we expect the worst, and it doesn't happen, we're spared the worst grief. And if we expect the worst, and it does happen, well at least we were right. The idea is that if we don't get our hopes too high, we won't have a hard fall.
But there is a more sinister, perhaps truer explanation for pessimism. Pessimists are in fact cowards who refuse to accept responsibility for their happiness and instead go through life behaving like victims of external circumstances. Pessimists routinely expect bad things to happen and thus make no effort to make things better. They behave as though the world exerts such a daunting force upon them that resistance is pointless. This kind of belief conveniently absolves them of any duty or responsibility to improve their own lives.
But pessimist is condemned to failure, or at least, mediocrity. Because self-enhancement is neither expected nor believed to be possible by their own means, pessimists are content to accept whatever is given to them.
Human beings are by nature weak and therefore most of us have a propensity towards pessimism - this is a kind of spiritual laziness that believes that since nothing better is possible, no work needs to be done. But if you are determined to keep pessimism at bay, here are few habits you can cultivate.
Firstly, adopt and attitude of gratitude. Pessimists are so blinded by the pains and injustices in life that they cannot see the good. If you are to transcend the pessimistic mindset, you have to first learn to be thankful for everything that comes your way. An absolute attitude of gratitude, that is, seeing the good in everything even when it appears bad, is not easy to develop, but it is by no means impossible. But start with finding at least one thing to be grateful for in every situation.
Next, surround yourself only with optimistic, forward-looking people. You will feed off one another's positive energies.
Next, watch your language. There is no doubt that words influence our consciousness, so consistently strive to use upbeat language, even if it feels strange initially. You'll come to realize that you can very often make yourself feel better just by saying the right words.
And foster a habit of creativity. Make repetition a sin. Try to do things differently. Over-deliver - when asked for one, come up with three. this renews and energises your mind and trains it to be resilient and resourceful.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
But there is a more sinister, perhaps truer explanation for pessimism. Pessimists are in fact cowards who refuse to accept responsibility for their happiness and instead go through life behaving like victims of external circumstances. Pessimists routinely expect bad things to happen and thus make no effort to make things better. They behave as though the world exerts such a daunting force upon them that resistance is pointless. This kind of belief conveniently absolves them of any duty or responsibility to improve their own lives.
But pessimist is condemned to failure, or at least, mediocrity. Because self-enhancement is neither expected nor believed to be possible by their own means, pessimists are content to accept whatever is given to them.
Human beings are by nature weak and therefore most of us have a propensity towards pessimism - this is a kind of spiritual laziness that believes that since nothing better is possible, no work needs to be done. But if you are determined to keep pessimism at bay, here are few habits you can cultivate.
Firstly, adopt and attitude of gratitude. Pessimists are so blinded by the pains and injustices in life that they cannot see the good. If you are to transcend the pessimistic mindset, you have to first learn to be thankful for everything that comes your way. An absolute attitude of gratitude, that is, seeing the good in everything even when it appears bad, is not easy to develop, but it is by no means impossible. But start with finding at least one thing to be grateful for in every situation.
Next, surround yourself only with optimistic, forward-looking people. You will feed off one another's positive energies.
Next, watch your language. There is no doubt that words influence our consciousness, so consistently strive to use upbeat language, even if it feels strange initially. You'll come to realize that you can very often make yourself feel better just by saying the right words.
And foster a habit of creativity. Make repetition a sin. Try to do things differently. Over-deliver - when asked for one, come up with three. this renews and energises your mind and trains it to be resilient and resourceful.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Hidden Power of Giving
You've probably heard the phrase "It's better to give than to receive". But do you know why? What is the hidden power of giving that makes it so prooundly wonderful?
Think of the last time you gave someone a gift with no expectation of reciprocity. How did it feel? No doubt you felt happy knowing that you've made someone else's day. It's this expression of your power to give joy to anyone at any time.
And I'm not talking exclusively about material gifts; you can always run out of money, but you can give of yourself endlessly - you time, your love, your experience, your shoulder, your ear.
But besides making your spirit swell with good feelings, the act of giving altruistically also sets in motion an invisible ripple of more selfless gifts that will eventually come full circle. Yes, your good deed will boomerang in amazing and sometimes surprising ways.
I'm sure you've heard of, or maybe even experienced personally, a favour done for you by someone whom you'd helped in some way in the past, or even someone who was inspired by your giving ways. And that's just one of the many ways your gift will come back to you.
When you give selflessly, no matter how small the deed or gift, you release good vibrations into the world - feelings of love, respect, gratitude, fellowship. You enlarge your world of people who would lend you a hand whenever the need arises; more importantly, motivated by your attitude, these people are more likely to spread this act and message of selfless giving to others in need.
This doesn't mean that you give only in expectation of this kind of reward - it's simply your contribution to the preservation of good feelings in this world, and that is no small thing. In a world where many lives are lived in poverty, war, hatred, and intolerance everyday, even one small candle can light up the dark.
Also, just imagine what all these good feelings are doing to your heart and your health!
So go forth and give, but bear this in mind, the hidden power of giving is only truly and fully unleashed when you give secretly or in private with no expectation of any reward.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Think of the last time you gave someone a gift with no expectation of reciprocity. How did it feel? No doubt you felt happy knowing that you've made someone else's day. It's this expression of your power to give joy to anyone at any time.
And I'm not talking exclusively about material gifts; you can always run out of money, but you can give of yourself endlessly - you time, your love, your experience, your shoulder, your ear.
But besides making your spirit swell with good feelings, the act of giving altruistically also sets in motion an invisible ripple of more selfless gifts that will eventually come full circle. Yes, your good deed will boomerang in amazing and sometimes surprising ways.
I'm sure you've heard of, or maybe even experienced personally, a favour done for you by someone whom you'd helped in some way in the past, or even someone who was inspired by your giving ways. And that's just one of the many ways your gift will come back to you.
When you give selflessly, no matter how small the deed or gift, you release good vibrations into the world - feelings of love, respect, gratitude, fellowship. You enlarge your world of people who would lend you a hand whenever the need arises; more importantly, motivated by your attitude, these people are more likely to spread this act and message of selfless giving to others in need.
This doesn't mean that you give only in expectation of this kind of reward - it's simply your contribution to the preservation of good feelings in this world, and that is no small thing. In a world where many lives are lived in poverty, war, hatred, and intolerance everyday, even one small candle can light up the dark.
Also, just imagine what all these good feelings are doing to your heart and your health!
So go forth and give, but bear this in mind, the hidden power of giving is only truly and fully unleashed when you give secretly or in private with no expectation of any reward.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Healing Through Acceptance
When misfortune occurs, many people try to deny or resist it. They go through the exhausting and pointless cycle of thoughts that goes something like "No, no, this can't be happening!" or "Why is this happening to me?", usually meaning "Why is this happening to poor ol' harmless me?".
As a result, they go through long periods of emotional suffering that can be damaging to their psychological or physical health. They waste a lot of energy and time rejecting what's happening to them instead of healing themselves by accepting their situation.
Now by accepting the situation, I don't mean going through life thinking everything that happens to you is ok. What I mean is, although it's completely natural to react with disbelief and resistance when something seemingly bad happens, you can only being to mend when you accept your plight and move on.
Some things happen to us that are completely out of our hands. You might call these "acts of God" if you're the religious type, or genuine accidents that you have no control over, like natural disasters or a reckless driver in your lane.
But we have to accept responsibility for most of the things that happen to us in life. Being in a developed country in the 21st century means that most of us have all our basic needs covered - food, shelter, education, healthcare, sanitation and so on. Which leaves us with things like our emotional needs, our value systems, our desires and ambitions, and our behaviour.
These stem from our attitudes towards and perceptions of ourselves, others, our surroundings and the wider world. And we have the power to tweak these attitudes and perceptions to influence our mental well-being and potential for love, joy and success.
So when something seemingly "bad" happens to us, the fastest and most direct route to recovery is acknowledging and accepting it - "Yes, it happened. And yes, I may have had a role to play in creating it. What can I learn from this? How can I improve things? How can I improve myself? How can I move on?"
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
As a result, they go through long periods of emotional suffering that can be damaging to their psychological or physical health. They waste a lot of energy and time rejecting what's happening to them instead of healing themselves by accepting their situation.
Now by accepting the situation, I don't mean going through life thinking everything that happens to you is ok. What I mean is, although it's completely natural to react with disbelief and resistance when something seemingly bad happens, you can only being to mend when you accept your plight and move on.
Some things happen to us that are completely out of our hands. You might call these "acts of God" if you're the religious type, or genuine accidents that you have no control over, like natural disasters or a reckless driver in your lane.
But we have to accept responsibility for most of the things that happen to us in life. Being in a developed country in the 21st century means that most of us have all our basic needs covered - food, shelter, education, healthcare, sanitation and so on. Which leaves us with things like our emotional needs, our value systems, our desires and ambitions, and our behaviour.
These stem from our attitudes towards and perceptions of ourselves, others, our surroundings and the wider world. And we have the power to tweak these attitudes and perceptions to influence our mental well-being and potential for love, joy and success.
So when something seemingly "bad" happens to us, the fastest and most direct route to recovery is acknowledging and accepting it - "Yes, it happened. And yes, I may have had a role to play in creating it. What can I learn from this? How can I improve things? How can I improve myself? How can I move on?"
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Dealing With Adversity
Whenever you're in a uncomfortable or challenging situation, you have only three options:
1. Wait for the situation to change
2. Change the situation
3. Change your response to the situation
Let's look at the first option. Now, is the situation likely to change on its own? If not, then clearly this is not an option for you. Some situations, however, are short-term, and the answer may just be to wait them out. While you're waiting for the situation to change though, you might want to think about whether you can go for the second option - change the situation.
The pitfall with this solution is that even if you leave your current situation and go to another, you still take you with you. Are you perhaps part of the problem? Are you habitually trapping yourself in certain difficult situations? If relationships aren't working out for you, how much responsibility should you bear? and of course, most situations are simply out of our hands; there's just nothing we can do to change it.
Which brings us to the third, and most effective and empowering option - change your response to the situation. Now the beauty of this option is that unlike the first two, this one's always open to you. You are the focus. And oddly enough, when you focus on yourself, you have more influence on things outside you. In other words, when you choose to look at things differently, the things you're looking at change (or at least appear different).
We live in a culture which tends to blame external factors for our woes - it's God, it's government, it's our boss, our lazy co-worker, our parents, our society, even our climate. Anything it seems, except ourselves.
In order to stop blaming and start improving your life, you must change the meaning of the situation. Instead of seeing it as something that was "done to you," you can choose to see it as a neutral event that isn't personal, or even a positive experience that you can learn something from. Change your language to reinforce this change of meaning. Instead of asking, "Why did this have to happen to me?" ask yourself "What lesson can I take away from this?"
By changing the meaning you give the situation and changing the language you use, you'll discover that you have the power to respond in any number of ways, not just the knee-jerk reactions you've made in the past. And you'll be able to choose new responses to old problems, breaking habitual patterns that have been limiting your growth and progress.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
1. Wait for the situation to change
2. Change the situation
3. Change your response to the situation
Let's look at the first option. Now, is the situation likely to change on its own? If not, then clearly this is not an option for you. Some situations, however, are short-term, and the answer may just be to wait them out. While you're waiting for the situation to change though, you might want to think about whether you can go for the second option - change the situation.
The pitfall with this solution is that even if you leave your current situation and go to another, you still take you with you. Are you perhaps part of the problem? Are you habitually trapping yourself in certain difficult situations? If relationships aren't working out for you, how much responsibility should you bear? and of course, most situations are simply out of our hands; there's just nothing we can do to change it.
Which brings us to the third, and most effective and empowering option - change your response to the situation. Now the beauty of this option is that unlike the first two, this one's always open to you. You are the focus. And oddly enough, when you focus on yourself, you have more influence on things outside you. In other words, when you choose to look at things differently, the things you're looking at change (or at least appear different).
We live in a culture which tends to blame external factors for our woes - it's God, it's government, it's our boss, our lazy co-worker, our parents, our society, even our climate. Anything it seems, except ourselves.
In order to stop blaming and start improving your life, you must change the meaning of the situation. Instead of seeing it as something that was "done to you," you can choose to see it as a neutral event that isn't personal, or even a positive experience that you can learn something from. Change your language to reinforce this change of meaning. Instead of asking, "Why did this have to happen to me?" ask yourself "What lesson can I take away from this?"
By changing the meaning you give the situation and changing the language you use, you'll discover that you have the power to respond in any number of ways, not just the knee-jerk reactions you've made in the past. And you'll be able to choose new responses to old problems, breaking habitual patterns that have been limiting your growth and progress.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Stop the Bickering
Are you always bickering with your partner? Does every little thing seem to become an issue between you two? You know you truly love and care for each other, but somehow the bickering doesn't seem to stop. It's even gotten to the point where the relationship is no longer enjoyable, when it should be between two people who are in love.
So what's wrong here?
Examine the dynamics of your quarrels. Are they often triggered by seemingly trivial complains about time management, child-rearing, money or household chores? Do they turn into back-and-forth arguments where each party would argue, explain and defend? Neither of you seems to be listening to the other. It's like you're both locked in battle positions, unable to move until one party falls. Either that or you both get so exhausted that the argument dies a natural death... not resolved, unfortunately, just beaten into silence.
In this situation, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right, to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as your intensions are to control and not be controlled, you are stuck.
Later, when things quieten and you've both had time to do some soul-searching, you realize that this happens despite the fact that you love each other. But as soon as an issue come up, you stop caring about yourselves and each other. You become so intent on winning or not losing that caring goes out the window.
Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other - it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.
The next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, "Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a away for both of you to win.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
So what's wrong here?
Examine the dynamics of your quarrels. Are they often triggered by seemingly trivial complains about time management, child-rearing, money or household chores? Do they turn into back-and-forth arguments where each party would argue, explain and defend? Neither of you seems to be listening to the other. It's like you're both locked in battle positions, unable to move until one party falls. Either that or you both get so exhausted that the argument dies a natural death... not resolved, unfortunately, just beaten into silence.
In this situation, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right, to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as your intensions are to control and not be controlled, you are stuck.
Later, when things quieten and you've both had time to do some soul-searching, you realize that this happens despite the fact that you love each other. But as soon as an issue come up, you stop caring about yourselves and each other. You become so intent on winning or not losing that caring goes out the window.
Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other - it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.
The next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, "Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a away for both of you to win.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Faith in Yourself
Looking at the people around you, you probably think that you're the only one who gets timid and unsure of yourself. But any time you feel your confidence shrivelling, you're not alone. Everyone feels fear and self-doubt, probably more often than you know but because you're not them, you don't feel or see it. You only feel your own fear so keenly because you're the one experiencing it.
In a world where so little is certain, one of the few things you can have an unshakeable faith in is yourself. It's the one thing you can count on in unfamiliar social situations, when going for an interview, meeting a date, asserting your rights, recovering after a setback, or simply for peace of mind. That's why a healthy sense of self-esteem is so important.
Now the first step to reducing our self-doubt and increasing our self-confidence is to realise that most of our fears are irrational. Many of us still go around behaving as though we were frightened little kids on the first day of school, having to dodge the bully and comform to strict rules or risk being punished.
Perhaps it's remnants of an oppressed childhood still haunting you, but understand that those days are gone. You're your own person now, capable of deciding what you want to do and how you want to feel. You don't have to try to "fit in" anymore, and you don't need anyone's approval. You are you, and no one should be able to tell you that that's wrong or abnormal or not up to the standard.
In order to overcome your fears, identify just what they are, how logical they are, and how you can get rid of them. For example, before an intimidating event or situation, write down exactly what you're uncomfortable about. Is it a reasonable fear? What consequences are likely to result from it? What's the worst that can happen? How can you conquer this fear?
You'll find that as you go along, most of these fears are inconsequential, or at least will not have any devastating, long-term effects. Even something like flunking a job interview doesn't mean you won't succeed at others. Most of the time, just being yourself is the way to go. Not having to pretend takes a lot of the pressure off and makes you more relaxed and natural. Just remember, you may think that being yourself is not good enough, but the truth is, people value honesty and sincerity above most other things. Very simply, people will appreciate you just for being you.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
In a world where so little is certain, one of the few things you can have an unshakeable faith in is yourself. It's the one thing you can count on in unfamiliar social situations, when going for an interview, meeting a date, asserting your rights, recovering after a setback, or simply for peace of mind. That's why a healthy sense of self-esteem is so important.
Now the first step to reducing our self-doubt and increasing our self-confidence is to realise that most of our fears are irrational. Many of us still go around behaving as though we were frightened little kids on the first day of school, having to dodge the bully and comform to strict rules or risk being punished.
Perhaps it's remnants of an oppressed childhood still haunting you, but understand that those days are gone. You're your own person now, capable of deciding what you want to do and how you want to feel. You don't have to try to "fit in" anymore, and you don't need anyone's approval. You are you, and no one should be able to tell you that that's wrong or abnormal or not up to the standard.
In order to overcome your fears, identify just what they are, how logical they are, and how you can get rid of them. For example, before an intimidating event or situation, write down exactly what you're uncomfortable about. Is it a reasonable fear? What consequences are likely to result from it? What's the worst that can happen? How can you conquer this fear?
You'll find that as you go along, most of these fears are inconsequential, or at least will not have any devastating, long-term effects. Even something like flunking a job interview doesn't mean you won't succeed at others. Most of the time, just being yourself is the way to go. Not having to pretend takes a lot of the pressure off and makes you more relaxed and natural. Just remember, you may think that being yourself is not good enough, but the truth is, people value honesty and sincerity above most other things. Very simply, people will appreciate you just for being you.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Go With the Flow
Life is like a raging river. There is constant flow. In fact, agitation and movement are essential for life to endure. Stagnant waters breed disease and decay.
So when life decides to throw a rock at us, like when we lose a job or partner, don't lose heart. Don't negatively judge events or circumstances that initially seem "bad" or "unfortunate". Things don't happen by accident, and mistakes or misfortunes are simply precursors for positive change.
We can't control things like losing a job or losing a partner. Loss is essential for growth and survival. When we experience loss or some other stressful change in our lives, we can give in to negative feelings like anger, disappointment, self-pity, self-loathing, trepidation and fear. We can allow these emotions to strain our mind, effectively crippling its ability to discover viable solutions. We can imagine the worst, and let something that may not come to pass affect our present state of mind.
Or we can go with the flow of change. Some things in our lives have to go in order to make way for better things. The Universe has a way of nudging us along when we get too lazy, complacent or comfortable. Occasionally, it gives us a big shove. The Universe knows when stagnation is making us fat and feeble. It knows when something in our lives has to shift in order for us to continue growing. It then arranges for people and events to push us towards what we were meant to be.
Most people however, choose to resist or ignore the signs. They are so firmly embedded in the riverbed that they refuse to let the currents lift them away. The years go by, and along with them, a flood of lost opportunities? and the stubborn rocks are finally left buried under algae and dirt.
If you've recently lost your job, lost a partner or something you felt was valuable to you, think? Were you really happy with your job?
Did you put your dreams on hold because you were trapped in a wake up, go to work, go home, go to bed routine? Had you stopped growing in that job? Did nothing excite you anymore about your work? What about your ex-partner? Were you really good for each other? Or were you hanging on because you were afraid of being alone?
You didn't have the time nor the nerve to go out and do what you really wanted to do. Well, now you do!
Go with the flow of change!
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Add Value in the Workplace
We all want to be promoted, get higher salaries, and become more valued at the workplace. But what steps are you taking towards attracting a promotion? Do you have a plan? What are you currently doing that makes you believe that you are deserving of one?
The most miserable people in the world today are those who know what they need to do to create the life they desire, but they refuse to take the actions to do so. So what can you do?
In today's business culture, productivity is the key to promotion. Every employer by reason of economics is forced to look at the bottom line. So here are three steps to increase your productivity, and thus add value in the workplace.
First, assess the desired result.
The clearer the desired outcome, the quicker you can take action. Always be certain you are on the same page as your employer regarding the desired outcome of a task. Don't assume the outcome you desire is the outcome your boss does.
Next, assess what actions must be taken immediately.
You may have ten, fifteen, or even fifty things to do on your plate right now, but do you know what to do next? Identifying the next action takes a matter of minutes, but is often a highly neglected practice. Look over your list of projects and ask yourself, what must I do next? Write it down. After you go through your projects and write out each action step, then determine the highest priority and get to work. You cannot do everything right now. All that matters is what you do right now and what you do next. A great question to ask is, "what action if done will be of the most benefit to you and the company?" or, "what action if not done will be most detrimental to your career success? "
And third, concentrate entirely on the most important task until it is complete.
Quickly solve every problem that comes your way and soon your stock will rise in the eyes of those who are looking for someone to promote. Allow time and your track record to speak on your behalf. Don't force the issue. Your ability to act quickly and get more done than anyone else will cause you to stand out. If you can create a memory in your supervisor's mind that you are person who can get the job done quickly and in excellence, more responsibility and opportunity will be given to you. Getting the job done quickly may mean the difference between you or someone else getting a promotion.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
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