No one likes being lied to. The truth is what we respect, indeed what we often demand. Yet, the person we often most lie to is our self.
We'd love to think that we are perfectly comfortable in our own skin. Yet many of us are not living that life of authenticity and honesty.
Think of your appearance. Or your talents or abilities. Are you happy with them? Are you proud of your success? Or are you constantly envious of other people? What about how others perceive you and the extent to which they are including (or excluding) you in their lives? Do you need the approval of others in order to feel good about yourself?
We are often brought up in environments or ways that give us a tunnel-visioned view of ourselves and the world. Parenting, culture, conditions, past experiences, and widely-held beliefs and values teaches us to behave in certain ways. There is a deeply-rotted and subconscious fear that if we deviate from these ways, we won't be accepted or loved, perhaps even be thought of by others as "wrong" or morally-corrupt.
As a result, we learn to stay within these neatly-defined comfort zones. We become afraid of change. Guilt and doubt keep us from being the authentic self we truly wish to be.
Constantly-repeated messages also teach us how we should own a certain product, wear a certain thing, use a certain cream, take a certain pill in order to feel good, fit in, gain more friends and become more successful. As a result, we pour money, time, and effort into these ultimately unfulfilling pursuits, often ending up with much less than we began with.
As we have been conditioned all our lives that our values is directly proportionate to how much other people like or approval of us, we live our lives in perpetual search of external validation. When we don't get it, we feel bad about ourselves. This need to be liked by others also pushes us to contribute to the endless cycle of contrivance until all everyone is doing is congratulating one another. There are also the ones who feed on this need for approval. On a more sombre level, you could be at the mercy of people who may be using you for their own purposes.
Of course, I am not saying that you should live in total disregard for other people's opinions and feelings. Or that we should not compliment or praise others. But we should learn to distinguish between genuine concern and simply attempting to trade artifice for love and acceptance.
As we tune in more and more to our authentic selves, we will make changes that help us live more truthful, more empowered, and happier lives.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Bonding With Your Partner
In any given moment in our relationship with our partner, we are in one of two possible intents - the intent to have control over getting love and avoiding pain, and the intent to learn about being loving to ourselves and to others.
Virtually all of us have learned many ways of trying to have control over getting love and voiding pain. We learned these defensive behaviours when we were children, and as adults we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviours. For example, we may use anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. For most people, these protective, controlling behaviours have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear triggered, we automatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, or controlling, then they cannot emotionally connect with each other. No matter how much time they spend together with the typical romantic trappings, like candles, wine or expensive lingerie, the connection will not be there. Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, what we create is a lack of love and much pain.
However, if both partners are open to learning, they will be emotionally available to each other, and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word. The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving. Because we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behaviour in the face of fear, being open to learning needs to be a conscious choice. Developing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even in the face of fear.
In your interactions with your partner, do you always seek to be right? do you strive to protect your own feelings rather than risk opening your heart? Do you have the courage to swallow your pride in order to avoid an argument? Do you listen and seek to understand instead of talking all the time?
When relationship partners are both able to reliably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish.
Virtually all of us have learned many ways of trying to have control over getting love and voiding pain. We learned these defensive behaviours when we were children, and as adults we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviours. For example, we may use anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. For most people, these protective, controlling behaviours have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear triggered, we automatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, or controlling, then they cannot emotionally connect with each other. No matter how much time they spend together with the typical romantic trappings, like candles, wine or expensive lingerie, the connection will not be there. Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, what we create is a lack of love and much pain.
However, if both partners are open to learning, they will be emotionally available to each other, and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word. The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving. Because we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behaviour in the face of fear, being open to learning needs to be a conscious choice. Developing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even in the face of fear.
In your interactions with your partner, do you always seek to be right? do you strive to protect your own feelings rather than risk opening your heart? Do you have the courage to swallow your pride in order to avoid an argument? Do you listen and seek to understand instead of talking all the time?
When relationship partners are both able to reliably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Handling Bad Days
In our pursuit of daily happiness, we are sometimes faced with one of the most daunting truths of all - that some days will inevitably be bad. Your alarm clock runs out of power during the night, your usb drive crashes, the cat scratches the new couch, you are late for an important sales presentation and of course, you are caught in the most massive traffic jam of your life.
Yes, bad days do happen, and most times, the day seems to freakishly get worse and worse. That's because these kinks throws us off our stride; when the first salvo strives, we lose our calm and orientation, and because we are so frazzled, we are less likely to see the next pothole. Down we go again...
It's understandably tough to keep our spirits up on days like this, and our sullen disposition can cause us to unintentionally offend key people in our lives. You get the idea... most bad days seem to go on forever because we allow the negative emotions to stay with us. And the more we hold on these feelings, the more trouble they invite.
The problem is that we often allow bad days to narrow our vision. We slide into self-pity and start to believe that things are just about the worst they can get. We forget about how good our lives really are and just how much we really have. We allow a little mess or an insensitive person to make us angry with ourselves and the world.
But you know, in truth, most bad days are really not so tough. What's a lost account, or a spat with a colleague, when there are people out there dealing with cancer, disability, or the recent death of a loved one? Everyday, babies are born into poor or disadvantaged conditions... many of them having to live with disfigurement or disease because of the lack of basic medical care... millions whose lives are a struggle everyday... and here we are, perfectly health and able, living free, modern, comfortable lives and bemoaning the state of our day?
It's only human I guess... When things are good, it's easy to see a petty trouble as an unjust intrusion. But life is too short and too precious to be living in anger or resentment.
So the next time your day seems to take a bad turn, remember... you can choose not to react negatively. You have the power not to respond the same way an angry or resentful person might respond. If it's a rude or ignorant person you are facing, you can choose to ignore him and walk away.
Put the situation in perspective and react in a manner in accordance with its magnitude. How can you best deal with the problem? Is it truly worth considering? What's the next best thing you can do to remedy the situation? Can the lemon indeed be turned into a sponge pudding?
As writer and Holocaust victim Anne Frank once wrote: "Our very lives are fashioned by choice. First we make choices. Then our choices make us."
What choices will you make?
Yes, bad days do happen, and most times, the day seems to freakishly get worse and worse. That's because these kinks throws us off our stride; when the first salvo strives, we lose our calm and orientation, and because we are so frazzled, we are less likely to see the next pothole. Down we go again...
It's understandably tough to keep our spirits up on days like this, and our sullen disposition can cause us to unintentionally offend key people in our lives. You get the idea... most bad days seem to go on forever because we allow the negative emotions to stay with us. And the more we hold on these feelings, the more trouble they invite.
The problem is that we often allow bad days to narrow our vision. We slide into self-pity and start to believe that things are just about the worst they can get. We forget about how good our lives really are and just how much we really have. We allow a little mess or an insensitive person to make us angry with ourselves and the world.
But you know, in truth, most bad days are really not so tough. What's a lost account, or a spat with a colleague, when there are people out there dealing with cancer, disability, or the recent death of a loved one? Everyday, babies are born into poor or disadvantaged conditions... many of them having to live with disfigurement or disease because of the lack of basic medical care... millions whose lives are a struggle everyday... and here we are, perfectly health and able, living free, modern, comfortable lives and bemoaning the state of our day?
It's only human I guess... When things are good, it's easy to see a petty trouble as an unjust intrusion. But life is too short and too precious to be living in anger or resentment.
So the next time your day seems to take a bad turn, remember... you can choose not to react negatively. You have the power not to respond the same way an angry or resentful person might respond. If it's a rude or ignorant person you are facing, you can choose to ignore him and walk away.
Put the situation in perspective and react in a manner in accordance with its magnitude. How can you best deal with the problem? Is it truly worth considering? What's the next best thing you can do to remedy the situation? Can the lemon indeed be turned into a sponge pudding?
As writer and Holocaust victim Anne Frank once wrote: "Our very lives are fashioned by choice. First we make choices. Then our choices make us."
What choices will you make?
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Maintaining a Positive Attitude
It's widely-accepted that having a positive outlook contributes greatly to a happy life. Endless studies tell us the same thing - that being cheerful and forward-looking makes us perform better at work, more creative, more contented and thus more joyful.
But how exactly do we maintain a positive attitude? Is it enough simply to always see the good in everything?
Well, let's break it down to a couple of key tasks that keep us optimistic and hopeful.
first of all, you have to believe in yourself. A sturdy sense of self-worth is the foundation upon we can begin to build a happy and successful life. You can have the best education, the talent, the opportunities and so on, but nothing will work if deep down inside, you don't trust in your abilities. If you are not happy with yourself, you will always be haunted by jealousy and envy. If you doubt yourself, fear will always hold you back from achieving your goals.
Treat yourself well. Silence the dissenting voices in your head and start inputting more positive data. Stop putting yourself down or selling yourself short. Instead, encourage yourself more! Promote and support yourself instead of being your own worst critic.
Next, you need to have goals that you can aspire to and work towards. A large part of staying positive is having things you can look forward to, benchmarks or yardsticks you can reach in order to continue building your self-esteem and value. Set goals that are both near and long-term. For example, owning your own condo in five years is a good objective but you also need things like finishing one book a week or running 5 km in under 30 minutes (without strain!) within a month of training. Every little achievement adds up!
Now you have got your goals, but how will you get there? Here's where a good action plan comes in. How much will you need to set aside each month, for instance, if you are going to be able to make your down-payment for that home in 5 years time. What will you have to modify in your lifestyle and habits in order to save that kind of money? Where are your loans going to come from and how will you service them? A good action plan lays out specific tasks that take you closer to your goals.
And don't forget to reward yourself! so many people get so worn out from sticking to their actino plans that they give up halfway. So by all means push yourself, but do remember to give yourself little incentives along the way.
Work your way towards a sunnier attitude that will take you closer to the realization of your dream.
But how exactly do we maintain a positive attitude? Is it enough simply to always see the good in everything?
Well, let's break it down to a couple of key tasks that keep us optimistic and hopeful.
first of all, you have to believe in yourself. A sturdy sense of self-worth is the foundation upon we can begin to build a happy and successful life. You can have the best education, the talent, the opportunities and so on, but nothing will work if deep down inside, you don't trust in your abilities. If you are not happy with yourself, you will always be haunted by jealousy and envy. If you doubt yourself, fear will always hold you back from achieving your goals.
Treat yourself well. Silence the dissenting voices in your head and start inputting more positive data. Stop putting yourself down or selling yourself short. Instead, encourage yourself more! Promote and support yourself instead of being your own worst critic.
Next, you need to have goals that you can aspire to and work towards. A large part of staying positive is having things you can look forward to, benchmarks or yardsticks you can reach in order to continue building your self-esteem and value. Set goals that are both near and long-term. For example, owning your own condo in five years is a good objective but you also need things like finishing one book a week or running 5 km in under 30 minutes (without strain!) within a month of training. Every little achievement adds up!
Now you have got your goals, but how will you get there? Here's where a good action plan comes in. How much will you need to set aside each month, for instance, if you are going to be able to make your down-payment for that home in 5 years time. What will you have to modify in your lifestyle and habits in order to save that kind of money? Where are your loans going to come from and how will you service them? A good action plan lays out specific tasks that take you closer to your goals.
And don't forget to reward yourself! so many people get so worn out from sticking to their actino plans that they give up halfway. So by all means push yourself, but do remember to give yourself little incentives along the way.
Work your way towards a sunnier attitude that will take you closer to the realization of your dream.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Importance of Self-Reliance
In our path towards happiness, self-reliance is very importance. We have to believe in ourselves, our right to exist and our claim to love and joy. We have to be able to trust in our ability to deal with adversity. We have to know that we can survive even without the help of others.
Many people give up this right when it comes to their relationships. It's almost as if when it comes to the "us", the "I" has to disappear. But depending too much on your partner or spouse or children for sustenance makes you vulnerable to attacks. Also, if you're relying on someone else for love, money, approval and so on, what happens when that person is no longer around? Or decides to leave? Would you end up helpless and alone?
Ask yourself if you are happy depending on others to make you happy. If not, make a list of goals to achieve a sense of self-validation and independence.
The first thing on your list should be to accept responsibilities. Living your life always allowing others to make things happen for you or to make your life better puts you at the mercy of others. even within a relationship, try your best to even things out. Rewards today may turn into reproach and resentment as the years wear on.
Develop an invisible, protective shield around yourself. This shield allows you to evaluate any stimuli, whether it's a verbal attack or action, from a rational standpoint. It helps you skip the initial stage where most people react personally and emotionally. It creates an automatic "cooling-off" period, time for the attack to bounce off and dissipate, time for you to recharge yourself, time for the mood to change from one of anger to resentment to one of peace.
In order to live a happy and emotionally secure life, you have to be true to yourself. You must find time to reboot your life to become the happy, well-adjusted person lying dormant inside of you.
By taking that positive step towards finding the self-reliance you deserve, you open yourself to happiness and self-fulfillment and become the person you want to be.
Many people give up this right when it comes to their relationships. It's almost as if when it comes to the "us", the "I" has to disappear. But depending too much on your partner or spouse or children for sustenance makes you vulnerable to attacks. Also, if you're relying on someone else for love, money, approval and so on, what happens when that person is no longer around? Or decides to leave? Would you end up helpless and alone?
Ask yourself if you are happy depending on others to make you happy. If not, make a list of goals to achieve a sense of self-validation and independence.
The first thing on your list should be to accept responsibilities. Living your life always allowing others to make things happen for you or to make your life better puts you at the mercy of others. even within a relationship, try your best to even things out. Rewards today may turn into reproach and resentment as the years wear on.
Develop an invisible, protective shield around yourself. This shield allows you to evaluate any stimuli, whether it's a verbal attack or action, from a rational standpoint. It helps you skip the initial stage where most people react personally and emotionally. It creates an automatic "cooling-off" period, time for the attack to bounce off and dissipate, time for you to recharge yourself, time for the mood to change from one of anger to resentment to one of peace.
In order to live a happy and emotionally secure life, you have to be true to yourself. You must find time to reboot your life to become the happy, well-adjusted person lying dormant inside of you.
By taking that positive step towards finding the self-reliance you deserve, you open yourself to happiness and self-fulfillment and become the person you want to be.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
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