Do you constantly worry about your relationship? Do you doubt your partner's feelings for you? Are you withholding love because you're afraid to invest in a relationship you feel may not last? Do you feel suspicious and anxious when your partner fails to meet your demands?
One of the basic tenets of a healthy, loving relationship is "Thou shalt trust thy partner". Feeling insecure about a relationship is not a good sign; in fact, doubt and jealousy can very often kill a relationship even without a third party.
If you're feeling difficulty in trusting your partner, ask yourself whether you even trust yourself. Do you believe in your value? Do you respect and love yourself? Insecurity about a relationship and about our partner often stems from our own insecurity about ourselves.
When we don't love ourselves, we don't believe that we deserve love. That's why we doubt our partner's feelings for us. We think that it's too good to be true. And so we try to validate our suspicious. Instead of investing love into the relationship, we make demands. We rationalize it by thinking that if our partner truly loves us, they'll do whatever we want. But that's not love; that's slavery.
Try imagining things the other way round. How would you feel if your partner kept asking about your whereabouts, about your friends, and what you're doing? How would you like it if your partner kept doubting your feelings for them? How would you feel if every little mistake you made them suspicious or angry? Nobody likes someone breathing down their necks, monitoring and questioning their every word or act.
Trust between partners is essential for a happy, healthy, lasting relationship. But first you have to learn to trust yourself. Trust in your own attractiveness and abilities. Trust that you're good enough to be loved and appreciated and that your partner is not going to run off with some hot hunk or babe the moment you're not around.
You may not even be physically attractive in the popular sense, but a couple stay together for much much more than just physical attractiveness. You have to develop a healthy sense of self-worth in your own uniqueness. There is only one You, so work on what makes you special. Your family loves you. Your friends love you. Your partner loves you. How could you not love yourself?
Look into their mirror today and embrace yourself. This is the only person you'll ever be, so enjoy it. When you're happy with yourself, it shows. Self-love is radiant and attractive. Remember, a happy relationship requires two self-assured, emotionally-independent, mutually-trusting partners.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
The Power of Asking Questions
You've probably heard the joke about how men can never ask for directions while driving. You know, how they will drive round in circles, hopelessly lost, yet are maddeningly confident about where they're going - "Don't worry dear, I know it's just after the next turn". How they will sooner eat their foot than admit they are lost and consult a passer-by?
Well, I don't know how true this is - only a woman passenger can know. But I do know that in being afraid of asking questions, one loses out on the opportunity to learn something, to improve oneself, to make things better.
Asking questions is an essential way we all learn - after all, a Chinese proverb goes "He who asks is a fool for a minute. He who doesn't ask is a fool forever". But the power of asking questions goes beyond simply asking other people questions. Asking ourselves the right questions can also have a dramatic impact on our self improvement, success and happiness.
Abha Banerjee (known as the Asian Oprah) was on my talkshow recently and shared the 5 essential questions we all should ask ourselves when trying to work through difficult issues:
1. What is the issue? Is it real or imagined?
2. What action can I take to resolve it?
3. What are the resources I can use (media, internet, people)?
4. What results am I anticipating?
5. Was it so important?
The first and last questions are especially useful because we often make events out of trivial issues. Learn what to deal with and what to forget about and let go.
We all experience events that seem too overwhelming to deal with, and there is a great deal of valuable information available to help in these situations. But in almost any situation, no matter how bad it may seem, there is usually something positive that can be found.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Well, I don't know how true this is - only a woman passenger can know. But I do know that in being afraid of asking questions, one loses out on the opportunity to learn something, to improve oneself, to make things better.
Asking questions is an essential way we all learn - after all, a Chinese proverb goes "He who asks is a fool for a minute. He who doesn't ask is a fool forever". But the power of asking questions goes beyond simply asking other people questions. Asking ourselves the right questions can also have a dramatic impact on our self improvement, success and happiness.
Abha Banerjee (known as the Asian Oprah) was on my talkshow recently and shared the 5 essential questions we all should ask ourselves when trying to work through difficult issues:
1. What is the issue? Is it real or imagined?
2. What action can I take to resolve it?
3. What are the resources I can use (media, internet, people)?
4. What results am I anticipating?
5. Was it so important?
The first and last questions are especially useful because we often make events out of trivial issues. Learn what to deal with and what to forget about and let go.
We all experience events that seem too overwhelming to deal with, and there is a great deal of valuable information available to help in these situations. But in almost any situation, no matter how bad it may seem, there is usually something positive that can be found.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Grievances of the Mind
In life, there will be great misfortunes that require immense effort to deal with. And we sometimes suffer grave injuries that take a long time to heal.
For some of us though, the grievances that exhaust our energy, spirit and time are trivial ones - petty hurts that are really any bites on the soul, yet can cause a lot of physical harm and mental anguish.
Perhaps we find a co-worker irritating. We expect something of our partner and he or she does not deliver. Someone we help turns out to be unappreciative, some insult about our appearance or intelligence is passed, or some reward we think we deserve is denied us.
Our mental tranquility is upset, our work gets affected, we lose appetite and sleep, we sulk and become listless. And because these little hurts are common, they quickly accumulate in our minds, and grow huge and irrepressible from constant brooding.
As a result, we lost many precious hours pondering and fretting over things that have no real bearing on the quality of our lives - things, that in a month, a day or even a second, may matter little, if at all.
Besides, if we take the time to contemplate these perceived trespasses, we will come to realise that most of them only happen in our minds.
Think about the last event, situation or person that upset you. How much of that stress was really just taking place inside your head? How much of it was over-embellishment and loss of focus due to hours of excessive analysis?
Instead of indulging a mind on overdrive, force yourself to distil what's truly stressing you and write it down. What is the thing that upsetting you?
Once you have that written down... ask yourself... is it true? For example, if what your partner said this morning made you question his or her love for you, think about it rationally. Is it really true? Do you absolutely know it's true? How did imagining this "truth" make you feel? How would you be feeling if you didn't indulge this negative thought?
Would you be happier, more loving, more forgiving, more capable of appreciating the good?
I wouldn't go to say that all our grievances happen only in our minds. But most of them do. The next time you find yourself getting upset with something or someone, do yourself a favour. See the truth... don't over-think it.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
For some of us though, the grievances that exhaust our energy, spirit and time are trivial ones - petty hurts that are really any bites on the soul, yet can cause a lot of physical harm and mental anguish.
Perhaps we find a co-worker irritating. We expect something of our partner and he or she does not deliver. Someone we help turns out to be unappreciative, some insult about our appearance or intelligence is passed, or some reward we think we deserve is denied us.
Our mental tranquility is upset, our work gets affected, we lose appetite and sleep, we sulk and become listless. And because these little hurts are common, they quickly accumulate in our minds, and grow huge and irrepressible from constant brooding.
As a result, we lost many precious hours pondering and fretting over things that have no real bearing on the quality of our lives - things, that in a month, a day or even a second, may matter little, if at all.
Besides, if we take the time to contemplate these perceived trespasses, we will come to realise that most of them only happen in our minds.
Think about the last event, situation or person that upset you. How much of that stress was really just taking place inside your head? How much of it was over-embellishment and loss of focus due to hours of excessive analysis?
Instead of indulging a mind on overdrive, force yourself to distil what's truly stressing you and write it down. What is the thing that upsetting you?
Once you have that written down... ask yourself... is it true? For example, if what your partner said this morning made you question his or her love for you, think about it rationally. Is it really true? Do you absolutely know it's true? How did imagining this "truth" make you feel? How would you be feeling if you didn't indulge this negative thought?
Would you be happier, more loving, more forgiving, more capable of appreciating the good?
I wouldn't go to say that all our grievances happen only in our minds. But most of them do. The next time you find yourself getting upset with something or someone, do yourself a favour. See the truth... don't over-think it.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Managing Disappoitnment
We often create expectations concerning what we will receive from others, life or even from ourselves. And when we don't get them, as sometimes the case, we are disappointed. Occasionally, when what we want is something we deeply desire, we can be mortally upset.
We can also feel that we've been "had", been "used" or cheated.
We feel this way when things do not happen the way we expected, or more often, when others are not who we expected them to be. We develop expectations, and then feel cheated when we they are not fulfilled.
When we succumb to such emotions, we often give up making any further effort, which stunts our growth. Sometimes, these feelings of "injustice" can lead us to destructive thoughts or behaviour.
In order to manage disappointment, we have to first understand that we are all in a process of evolution and that no one is perfect. It is unreasonable to expect or demand perfection from ourselves or others. We would not be here in this... let's call it "work in progress" if we did not have much to improve.
Have faith in the flow of life. There is a greater wisdom that drives this world... in fact, other "world" as well.
We may never fully comprehend how that wisdom works, but there's no doubt it's here. What we know as chemical science today was once deemed magic or witchcraft. Many of our gadgets today would make us appear like gods to ancient societies. And what we sum up to "positive thinking" or new age hocus-pocus today could one day reveal themselves to be the work of actual brain waves or physiological energies that are perfectly grounded in science and fact.
When we are independent, we need less from others and will expect less from them And when we expect less, we appreciate more. And we naturally experience less disappointment.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
We can also feel that we've been "had", been "used" or cheated.
We feel this way when things do not happen the way we expected, or more often, when others are not who we expected them to be. We develop expectations, and then feel cheated when we they are not fulfilled.
When we succumb to such emotions, we often give up making any further effort, which stunts our growth. Sometimes, these feelings of "injustice" can lead us to destructive thoughts or behaviour.
In order to manage disappointment, we have to first understand that we are all in a process of evolution and that no one is perfect. It is unreasonable to expect or demand perfection from ourselves or others. We would not be here in this... let's call it "work in progress" if we did not have much to improve.
Have faith in the flow of life. There is a greater wisdom that drives this world... in fact, other "world" as well.
We may never fully comprehend how that wisdom works, but there's no doubt it's here. What we know as chemical science today was once deemed magic or witchcraft. Many of our gadgets today would make us appear like gods to ancient societies. And what we sum up to "positive thinking" or new age hocus-pocus today could one day reveal themselves to be the work of actual brain waves or physiological energies that are perfectly grounded in science and fact.
When we are independent, we need less from others and will expect less from them And when we expect less, we appreciate more. And we naturally experience less disappointment.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Pitfalls to Communication With Your Partner
It'd be nice if we could read out partners' minds, wouldn't it?
Then we wouldn't have to guess or presume.
Telepathy though doesn't come naturally to most of us, and the inability to see our partner's point often results in many a harmless conversation turning into an unsightly quarrel.
What are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want while also giving our partners what they need?
Dr Brenda Shoshana give us the top three communication problems that most couples have, and the solutions to them in their article "The Relationship Saver".
Pitfall number one is communicating to manipulate. Sometimes we communicate solely to get what we want, regardless of whether the person can fulfill the request or not. We sulk, cajole, pout and do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, though temporarily effective, has a terrible effect on the health of the relationship in the long run. Give it up, and respect what the other person has to offer. Try and see whether you can meet your own need.
Pitfall number two is communicating to deceive. Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication as it destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games, and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the foundation of a relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it, for when you are honest and forthright, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others.
Pitfall number three is communicating with double messages. Saying one thing and doing another is a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something either with actions or words and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to a person's actions. Actions are always more aligned with the truth than their words. Try and understand people who don't deliver what they promise as they are probably just as confused as you are at their reactions.
Love cannot build a strong foundation when it's trying to set up camp in an earthquake zone. Keep the eruptions to the minimum when possible, talk in love, and be truthful and sincere. Then you will see a relationship being built out of mutual respect of each other's flaws and a gracious partnership based on true knowledge of your other half.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
Then we wouldn't have to guess or presume.
Telepathy though doesn't come naturally to most of us, and the inability to see our partner's point often results in many a harmless conversation turning into an unsightly quarrel.
What are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want while also giving our partners what they need?
Dr Brenda Shoshana give us the top three communication problems that most couples have, and the solutions to them in their article "The Relationship Saver".
Pitfall number one is communicating to manipulate. Sometimes we communicate solely to get what we want, regardless of whether the person can fulfill the request or not. We sulk, cajole, pout and do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, though temporarily effective, has a terrible effect on the health of the relationship in the long run. Give it up, and respect what the other person has to offer. Try and see whether you can meet your own need.
Pitfall number two is communicating to deceive. Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication as it destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games, and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the foundation of a relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it, for when you are honest and forthright, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others.
Pitfall number three is communicating with double messages. Saying one thing and doing another is a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something either with actions or words and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to a person's actions. Actions are always more aligned with the truth than their words. Try and understand people who don't deliver what they promise as they are probably just as confused as you are at their reactions.
Love cannot build a strong foundation when it's trying to set up camp in an earthquake zone. Keep the eruptions to the minimum when possible, talk in love, and be truthful and sincere. Then you will see a relationship being built out of mutual respect of each other's flaws and a gracious partnership based on true knowledge of your other half.
Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd
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