Expressing Your Expectation

Let's be honest - we all have our own expectations of our relationships, of our partners. Some of us demand less, but we all require certain events to happen and conditions to be met before we consider the relationship viable or worth maintaining.

Now this is not an unreasonable thing. We all have needs and it's our relationships that fulfill some of these needs - like the need for a supportive voice in tough times, the need for a hand to hold on a drafty early morning walk, the need for someone to kiss us even when we look like the back of a truck at the end of a grueling day.

The problem is some of us often don't make these needs known to our partner, and when he or she fails to meet these expectations, we begin to doubt the value of the relationship. It sounds silly but some of us expect our partners to already know. Now that's an unreasonable demand - to expect our partners to know our expectations. No matter how close two people get, no two human beings behave or think in the same way. Very often, your perceptions of what is good or bad in a relationship will differ radically from your partner's views.

So how are you managing your expectations in your relationship? Do you find that your partner's intentions often elude you? Do you question if he or she truly cares for you? Do you find yourself getting into regular arguments because your partner didn't do something you expected a partner would do? Like calling you at least once a day to ask how you are? Like remembering your birthday? Or like giving you a massage after you hinted that your shoulders are aching?

These expectations are reasonable and simple enough to you. But how would your partner know if you don't say anything? Expecting our partner to guess the response we're after is unfair. Loving you doesn't make someone magically psychic.

So express your expectations. Discuss them with your partner. But your expectations should not be unrealistic that nobody can consistently achieve them. Expectations that are too low can also invite a below-average result. And expectations should be positive. They should nurture the relationship. They should encourage the cultivation of joy, loving and success-achieving qualities in both parties.

So the next time your partner seems to be reacting in a detached or unfeeling way, don't presume, don't jump to conclusions. Talk about your needs and ask him or her to let you know their desires as well.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Cheering Yourself Up

When you're feeling down, it's great to have a partner or a friend who will try almost anything to make you smile. But most of the time, the only person we can count on is ourselves. So here are some ways you can cheer yourself up!

One of the simplest ways to pick yourself up when you're down is to dance! Make a compilation of mood-elevating songs that you can put on whenever you feel blue. Gives the term "elevator music" a whole new meaning, don't you think?

Or, spend time with children. When the world becomes too complicated to handle, kids so effortlessly help us to make things seem so much simpler. I remember visiting a friend recently. I didn't get enough sleep the night before and was actually quite grouchy when I arrived. But after a few minutes of trying to converse with my friend's two-year-old son. I was right as rain. Words didn't matter. He giggled, I babbled like a complete idiot, he jumped up and down, and I made silly faces. It was a blast.

Another great way to take your mind off your troubles is to indulge yourself. Forget about cost or responsibility for a while, and just do what you love. Buy the special edition DVD of one of your favourite films and watch it plus all the bonus features at one sitting. Go for a massage. Have a dark and rich chocolate cake. Buy your own cue and go shoot some pool.

I don't know about you, but clearing clutter alleviates stress for me. I know some people actually find comfort in disorder but if you're not like that, take a day off to go through your stuff and get rid of what you don't need. Emphasise space and delete waste. Physical baggage can be just as frustrating as emotional baggage.

Identify the things you've been procrastinating about and take action. Few things are more liberating than checking off your "To Do" list. Just ask the Bride in the movie "Kill Bill". Just kidding.

And speaking about kidding, have more fun! At work, at home, anywhere! Lighten up! Don't care what others think of you. Be corny, flippant, and outrageous. Get out of your shell and have a party!

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

Self Reflection

In a world teeming with external stimuli, it's very easy to get swept up in a tidal wave of media messages, corporate targets, financial goals, or popular notions of how we should be living our lives.

We're always pursuing someone else's idea of success and happiness - often regarded as good for us as well as simply because it's so widely-accepted.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to simply be yourself, to shut out the noise of the world, and just listen to inner voice?

Too many of us have lost the ability to reflect - to search inwards for answers. We look to other people and outside influences as if this imperfect world had the ability to miraculously improve our lives.

But after a time of chasing these ideals, we realise that we're not fulfilled after all. Sure, that image makeover may have earned you more friends and lovers, but a genuine relationship is still lacking. You're finally top dog in your company but your only real friend is the fawning Jack Russell at home. You've broken your bank account for that shiny new car, but your sales record remains lacklustre. And you keep getting your loved ones the best things money can buy, yet have hardly anything to say to each other.

One of the biggest traps in life is to work for money. Many people falsely assume that once they've amasses their wealth, once they've accumulated a certain amount of assets, then they will be happy. The truth is, if you can't be happy now, you won't be happy even when you have more money. In fact, money can even be a source of stress - fear of losing the wealth, and the constant desire of even more riches.

And instead of looking outward for revelations, try searching within yourself. The society you live in may expect you to be a certain way and do certain things, but is that what you really want? If you lived in a world where money, reputation, and other people didn't matter, how differently would you be living your life?

Make no mistake, you time is a perishable commodity, and the more you waste it on things that don't fulfill you, the more empty and regretful you'll feel.

So learn to respect your own opinions and feelings more. Meditate deeply about who you are and what you truly want out of life. By bringing more self-reflection into your life, you learn to rely less on external influences and make the choices that will being you true joy.

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

A New and Different Day

Many people today lead very hectic, but amazingly routine lives. We may think that each day is different; after all, we wear different clothes to the office, we work on different assignments, we have something different for lunch, we listen to a different number one song on the Top 40 countdown radio show.

But these are all cosmetic differences. The truth is, many of us are enslaved by the rhythm of a certain lifestyle we constructed for ourselves. There is comfort in knowing that there is a pattern we can follow with hardly any thoughts or effort. We become so addicted to this predictability that every little deviation from the path causes us much distress. We become too weak to pursue our dreams, and too fearful to believe that change can be positive. Each day feels like a carbon copy of the previous day.

But how can life be lived fully if every day feels the same? How can we be said to be alive when we lead such a torpid and mundane existence?

Have you ever woken up and truly marvelled at just how much opportunity the ne day brings? That each new day allows us to do something different, create something good and beautiful, help someone in need, cherish a loved one, or work towards fulfilling a dream?

Many of us hold back from leading more eclectic and colourful lives because we feel defined by our past, are feaful of failure, are crippled by guilt, or place too much importance on how others evalutate us.

Do you act, dress and respond in a certain way because that's what others expect you to do based on past experience? Do you blame yourself for every little thing that goes wrong? Do you restrain yourself from doing something differently because you are afraid of ridicule or disapproval? Did you avoid taking up a new hobby because you felt you were too old or that people would laugh at you?

I'm not saying that we should all quit our jobs and travel the world. We all have unique personalities and responsibilities. And I'm not proposing that we should go skydiving without parachutes. There is a difference between courage and insanity.

Each new day can and should be different and exciting. Dare to have some fun. Try something new. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Show your love more freely and creatively.

The days can slip away without notice or consequence. Do you want to live yours half-asleep, hesitant and full of worry? Or do you want to live a life that's fully aware, and brimming with intention and expectation?

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd

The Art of Love

Some people believe that love is a spontaneous emotion that springs forth from each of us to unfaillingly soothe and heal. While love does have that potential, it is a delicate art that requires constant nurturing, understanding and dedication to truly blossom. As jazz singer Michael Franks wrote, "homework never ends (when) learning the art of love".

Many of us think we are in love, when we are really in love with the idea of being in love. We are besotted with the image of ourselves being with someone. As a result, our so-called love is actually self-centered, possessive, fettered and false. This can lead to relationships that satisfy us only superficially, or to a vain search for that "perfect" partner while oblivious to the love that's all around us.

For love is not limited to its romantic sense. Romantic love, especially in the early stages, energises us, makes us generous and forgiving, fills us with hope and makes every moment seem wonderful. But how long does it last? Why aren't we in love all the time?

The art of love, if perfected, enables us to love all of life. Romantic love can only thrive if it's supported by this kind of all-embracing, all-encompassing love. Let me clarify myself here and say that we should not, needless to say, love things like power, adulation, money or violence. What I'm referring to is love and respect for oneself, for example, love for preservation rather destruction and waste, love for nature and creation, love for fellow human beings, and a deeper appreciation of the people who love us.

The art of love is a lifelong endeavour. It's seldom perfected, if at all, but the greater the semblance we achieve, the fuller and richer our lives will be. For it was once said, that "we never ask the meaning of life when we are in love".

Indeed, love, if practised in the way it was meant to be practised, has the power to engender a constant sense of well-being, peace and happiness. It has the ability to create, perserve and heal.

Let's look as some reasons why we sometimes fail to find love, why the euphoria of love is often shortlived, and how we can open up our hearts to find and give love wherever we may be.

Have you heard people saying how they've tried searching for the right person for such a long time when he or she was right there under their noses? Sounds like a cliche? Or a cheap movie script? Well, yes and yes. but it is true that we are often so engrossed in our search for the "perfect" partner that we are oblivious to the people around us who do love us for who we are. Everyone has the potential to love. Most of the time though, we are simply too blinded by our own expectations and ideals that we fail to see the potential for love in them.

I'm not saying you should jump into a relationship with anyone who might express a liking for you. I'm saying do not simply dismiss someone whom you feel is not right for you. Allow time to reveal if love can indeed flourish. Do not make commitments you cannot fulfill. Do not make empty promises. But don't always push people away either. The move we can open up to people, the more we can appreciate what is being offered now.

Most of us feel compelled to play roles - both in relationships and in society. We think that these interpretations of us a re desirable and acceptable, and that the real "us" will not able to attract love.

The opposite is true. Most of the time, we are unable to find love because we're so busy playing oles and games that our partners never get to know who we really are. Notice how you are when you are with someone you have feelings for. Are you comfortable? Are you the real you? Or are you trying to present a version of you that you think is more impressive? People like people who are comfortable with themselves. you are most loveable and beautiful just the way you are. It's the roles that get in the way.

We human beings have the tendency to hold on. We want to hold on to our youth, we want to hold on to our possessions, and we want to hold on to the people we love. But love between two people has a life of its own, a freedom that no one can chain down. We must allow this love to arise and descend freely.

When people come into our lives, we should accept and cherish them while they're with us. When it's time for them to go, let them go. Do not turn the departure into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. The person's leaving has got nothing to do with you. Practise doing this with yourself as well. Do not let your love be unnecessarily shackled. when we allow love to ebb and flow naturally, we love more freely and truly.

Many of us bring a lot of emotional baggage into a relationship. Our own expectations and demands, the fear from past failed relationships, the criteria that we feel a relationship should hae. These are all obstacles to creating a free, fulfilling and loving partnership.

Take a look at what you feel is crucial for a relationship. The expectation of marriage, perhaps. maybe the person has to be intellectually-stimulating, emotionally-sensitive, humourous, caring and charming. The need to have the person available anytime you need support. The approval of your friends. The need for the person to find no one else attractive besides you. The need for the other person to appreciate and share your interests. Are these things keeping people and possiblities away? Are they wearing down your relationship?

Try putting some of this baggage down. You don't have to become selfless, generous, forgiving, emotionally-independent, confident, and understanding in one day. Practise it little by little. You will find that not only did you not need the baggage, it was preventing you from finding real happiness and love. Over time, you will feel lighter, happier, less resentful and more accepting and loving of yourself. What's more, you'll discover new people and opportunities you never noticesd before.

As someone once said, "When there are no unnecessary thoughts in your mind, everyday is a good day."

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Eugine Loh, 938Live, MediaCorp Pte Ltd